Sunday, September 13, 2009

On this day...

5 months ago,
Sophie and Aiden made their way into this world.
They made their way into this world much, much too early.
I sit here this morning, not being able to sleep. Thinking of this day 5 months ago. The pain, the blood, the fear, the sickness.
The choices.
The hushed voices.
The despair.
The delivery room haunts me. Dr.P holding my knee, just chatting with the other doctor on staff. "You just can't trust the second twin, ya know." He'd say, and then rub my belly with the ultrasound wand.
Brian, not saying anything. No happy daddy here. Just one that is terrified.
Babies are whisked away. Blood is cleaned up. We are left alone.
Alone.

Sophie and Aiden,
It is impossible for me to believe that you're not still coming. That you're not just still on your way. I think I will always, always be waiting for you to arrive. I miss you more than any words I could put on this screen. I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to live this.
Today I am filled what what-ifs and what-should have beens.
But Today I am filled with love you for, and pride. I am so proud that you existed. I hear your names and I crumble because you did exist.
I wish I could tell you so many more things.

I wish so, so many things.

I love you.

13 comments:

Elise said...

Oh WOW, this is a great post & you have the most gorgeous site here. I had to stop by to leave this comment for you – and to say hello of course ! Your posts are creative and original and you have interesting pictures. It's all perfect ! Thank you for sharing your site and best wishes....

Tina said...

I completely understand. I am so sorry they are not her with you, I wish I could change it for all of us. I hope you are able to find some peace and comfort today. xx

Catherine W said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Just Breathe said...

Sending you hugs. ((HUGS)) Please know that I care.

Missing Kasey said...

Thinking of you (hugs)

Lea said...

Christy - remembering you precious Angels today with you. I relate to so much you say.

xo

Kristy said...

Thinking of Sophie and Aiden and SO wishing this wasn't happening. I wish this was all a nightmare, for all of us. I wish you weren't in any pain, I wish your heart was happy. Many many *hugs*...your beautiful babies are looking down on you EVERY.SINGLE.DAY and smiling at you.
xoxo

Catherine W said...

Oh Christy. I'm so terribly sorry. So sorry.

I still sometimes wake up in the morning with this feeling of anticipation, as though I am still waiting for my babies to be born. And then I remember.

Sophie and Aiden did exist. I don't believe that they could be more loved. I wish they were with you. xo

Christy said...

I wish it was a nightmare, too. It feels like one. I am so sorry the twins are not here for you.
xxoo

MK said...

I'm so sorry. I know your pain and I know what it's like to want your babies to be here so badly, you can almost imagine it. I'm here to listen and please know, your babies will not be forgotten.

Akul's mama said...

Thinking of Sophie and Aiden. I understand how hard it is to live without them. Hugsssssssssss

iamstacey said...

"I think I'll always be waiting for you to arrive" just breaks my heart. It's all there, the hope and the loss. I'm so sorry.

Jen said...

Hi there. I just happened to come across this by accidient and it touched me so much. I has a stillborn baby in March of this year and it has been a blur since. Reading your blog has touched me. Your honesty is appreciated. I will be sure to follow this more often. I am so sorry for the loss of your two babies. You are in my prayers. And like I have been praying for myself, I hope a postive pregnancy test is in your NEAR future.
God Bless

Jen