Fragile

Sunday night after I finished my post, my husband and I were climbing into bed when the phone rang. It was after 10 pm and so we voted (unanimously) to ignore the call. A few minutes later it rang again and we reluctantly answered.

It was a colleague from school.

A girl, a senior at my husband's high school, whose litter brother is an 8th grader at my school, had been up on a bluff near our house and went outside of the fence at the lookout area. She slipped and fell.

To her death.

Her boyfriend was with her and he lost sight of her and started screaming for her but couldn't find her so someone called 911.

School has been full of tears. The meeting before school to discuss a tragedy. The guidance counselors instructing us on "tips for grief."

It brought everything back so strongly.

As much as I am hurting for this family, I couldn't help but be brought back into the very depths of my grief.

Last night was the visitation. I saw hundreds of students, ones that I have had in past years, with faces of fear and pain and grief. It just broke my heart over and over again.

Too much. Too much pain. This beautiful, beautiful girl with her future still ahead of her.

Then I think, my beautiful babies with their whole future ahead of them.

It's all to close to home. I really struggled. I felt guilty for thinking about MYself when this family is going through something so, so, terribly tragic.

A misstep. A bad choice. The end.

The boy that was with her, her boyfriend, I had as a student 3 years in a row. He has an amazing heart. He's so polite, so kind. So funny and fun.

He stood there, in front of the casket, for minutes at a time, sobbing. Sobbing from down in his core.

He blames himself, I thought. Of course he does.

I hugged him tightly and tried to say something, like-I know the guilt. In such a different way, but I know it. Please know it's not your fault.

He's only 17.

I am clinging to my husband. These constant remembers that life is SO fragile. That you never know.

I am on what would be cycle day 33. Still no period. Last Thursday night, I was lying in bed and I felt my period coming. Cramping. I looked at my husband and teared up. "Period coming, I said." In the middle of that night, I wiped and saw tiny twinges of pink blood. This confirmed that AF was on her way and I felt so bummed out.

Then it didn't come.

And didn't come.

So on cycle day 31, I tested. Negative.

I HATE THIS. I hate that the test says negative and my period doesn't come. I hate that my husband will just say, "Don't give up! Maybe the test was wrong."

But really, is the test wrong? No. It's cruel for me to keep thinking that it might change.

But my brain, it doesn't listen to me.

You see, my periods used to be SUPER irregular (pcos). Like 90 days long sometimes. But ever since giving birth, they have been between 30-31 days each and every month.

Maybe what you felt on Thursday night was implantation? You o'd late, then? It wouldn't even show up for a few more days! Remember when the nurse said never to test until day 40? Or wait a week a test.

I HATE IT.

I want to drink caffeine. Say F it and give up.

But the tiniest part of my brain says, "What if...?"

And it is so cruel.

25 months ago I threw away the birth control. I know people wait much longer, go through more treatments, more or different losses.

But you just don't ever imagine this happening when you are a little girl.

You just can never guess :(

So, anyway, I'll have to be moving on to the clo.mid since I had to stop taking the met.formin. This is not good for me because now the risk of multiples increases. Not by much, I realize, but I conceived twins on one dose of 50 mg, so...yeah. Anyway, in order to do this, it involved me calling the fertility center. So I called and said I needed a new patient appointment. She asked, "Do you know what you need? Like, IVF, or what?"

This question took me off guard.

So I told her what happened. That I had conceived using clomid, but lost the twins, and multiples is too dangerous for me now.

She said, "Oh."

This is my LEAST FAVORITE ANSWER. I don't know, sometimes, why I expect anything different from "Oh." I don't know what I want. Do I want them to fall all over me, expressing their sadness and condolences and concern? Not really. But "Oh" always gets me :(

I'm thinking of all of you ladies out there tonight. Wishing we were meeting on a different part of the internet. Wishing you all had your little ones. Just thinking of you.