Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Fragile

Sunday night after I finished my post, my husband and I were climbing into bed when the phone rang. It was after 10 pm and so we voted (unanimously) to ignore the call. A few minutes later it rang again and we reluctantly answered.
It was a colleague from school.
A girl, a senior at my husband's high school, whose litter brother is an 8th grader at my school, had been up on a bluff near our house and went outside of the fence at the lookout area. She slipped and fell.
To her death.
Her boyfriend was with her and he lost sight of her and started screaming for her but couldn't find her so someone called 911.
School has been full of tears. The meeting before school to discuss a tragedy. The guidance counselors instructing us on "tips for grief."
It brought everything back so strongly.
As much as I am hurting for this family, I couldn't help but be brought back into the very depths of my grief.
Last night was the visitation. I saw hundreds of students, ones that I have had in past years, with faces of fear and pain and grief. It just broke my heart over and over again.
Too much. Too much pain. This beautiful, beautiful girl with her future still ahead of her.
Then I think, my beautiful babies with their whole future ahead of them.
It's all to close to home. I really struggled. I felt guilty for thinking about MYself when this family is going through something so, so, terribly tragic.
A misstep. A bad choice. The end.
The boy that was with her, her boyfriend, I had as a student 3 years in a row. He has an amazing heart. He's so polite, so kind. So funny and fun.
He stood there, in front of the casket, for minutes at a time, sobbing. Sobbing from down in his core.
He blames himself, I thought. Of course he does.
I hugged him tightly and tried to say something, like-I know the guilt. In such a different way, but I know it. Please know it's not your fault.
He's only 17.
I am clinging to my husband. These constant remembers that life is SO fragile. That you never know.

I am on what would be cycle day 33. Still no period. Last Thursday night, I was lying in bed and I felt my period coming. Cramping. I looked at my husband and teared up. "Period coming, I said." In the middle of that night, I wiped and saw tiny twinges of pink blood. This confirmed that AF was on her way and I felt so bummed out.
Then it didn't come.
And didn't come.
So on cycle day 31, I tested. Negative.
I HATE THIS. I hate that the test says negative and my period doesn't come. I hate that my husband will just say, "Don't give up! Maybe the test was wrong."
But really, is the test wrong? No. It's cruel for me to keep thinking that it might change.
But my brain, it doesn't listen to me.
You see, my periods used to be SUPER irregular (pcos). Like 90 days long sometimes. But ever since giving birth, they have been between 30-31 days each and every month.
Maybe what you felt on Thursday night was implantation? You o'd late, then? It wouldn't even show up for a few more days! Remember when the nurse said never to test until day 40? Or wait a week a test.
I HATE IT.
I want to drink caffeine. Say F it and give up.
But the tiniest part of my brain says, "What if...?"
And it is so cruel.
25 months ago I threw away the birth control. I know people wait much longer, go through more treatments, more or different losses.
But you just don't ever imagine this happening when you are a little girl.
You just can never guess :(

So, anyway, I'll have to be moving on to the clo.mid since I had to stop taking the met.formin. This is not good for me because now the risk of multiples increases. Not by much, I realize, but I conceived twins on one dose of 50 mg, so...yeah. Anyway, in order to do this, it involved me calling the fertility center. So I called and said I needed a new patient appointment. She asked, "Do you know what you need? Like, IVF, or what?"
This question took me off guard.
So I told her what happened. That I had conceived using clomid, but lost the twins, and multiples is too dangerous for me now.
She said, "Oh."
This is my LEAST FAVORITE ANSWER. I don't know, sometimes, why I expect anything different from "Oh." I don't know what I want. Do I want them to fall all over me, expressing their sadness and condolences and concern? Not really. But "Oh" always gets me :(

I'm thinking of all of you ladies out there tonight. Wishing we were meeting on a different part of the internet. Wishing you all had your little ones. Just thinking of you.

9 comments:

Tina said...

Oh how very sad it makes me to hear of the student. It is just heartbreaking. I too relate all losses to mine. If I hear about someone dying I always think of my girls, it brings back all the fellings of my loss. Everything is filtered through it.

I play those mind games with myself too. Well, maybe I could be pregnant, or when I started bleeding during this last pregnancy I thought, well maybe everything will be okay. Really, I knew better, but I guess I was trying to stay positive.

I too wish we would have met on some other forum, maybe a multiples group where we were complaining about being up all night with 2 babies. Oh how wonderful that would be...
xx

Just Breathe said...

How sad for her family and the students at school. I am so sorry for what you are going through.
You are in my prayers. ((HUGS))

Akul's mama said...

How very sad to lose a teen. You have memories as well as dreams when your children are that age. How very sad for the parents and how very hard for the young man who was with her. Life is so hard for everyone. Bad news of any kind affects me much more now. I am sure you feel the same way. Trifles remind me of Akul and I feel his tiny hands against me and his baby legs moving. I see his beautiful round eyes looking at me with wonder and feel so bad that I lost the only treasure I had.

Catherine W said...

How terribly sad. How awful for that poor girl with her whole life ahead of her, her sweet boyfriend, her parents, everyone who loved her. Life is so very unfair.
I've found that any death brings back echoes of all the others, everyone I have lost in my life. I think that is only human.

And I'm so sorry that your period is being so confusing at the moment. It must be very frustrating. My heart breaks for you over the clomid. I would be terrified to have another multiple pregnancy, as much as I would love any pregnancy at all.

I wish we'd met in another corner of internet land. I really do. Love to you xo

Missing Kasey said...

How very sad. I think its natural for us to think of our little ones.

Thinking of you!

Kristy said...

Oh Christy...I felt pain reading about that family. Pain for their loss, their heartache, their rawness. I felt the pain for what is to come. And like you, it brought back what I have lost, twice. The feelings of what I will never have, what you will never have with our babies who left us much too soon. That family will feel that too...just on a different level, as they have already experienced so much with her. I'm crushed for that family. :(

As for you my dear, you need to do what is right for you. IF we decide to have another (we'll decide next week, gulp) i'll be on the Clomid train with you. You aren't alone on any part of this journey, whether you need drugs or your body tricked you last week and you just O'd late. I am here for you...reach out, shout out. I wish the clinic had more then just "oh" to say to you, but I too know that frustration that feelings of what now when someone says that. What do they expect our reaction to be to that? Couldn't they come up with something else clever to say? Hell...i'd even take a simple "i'm sorry" not "oh".

Tight hugs my friend, test again and we'll be waiting to support you with either result.

xoxo

Bluebird said...

Oh my. What a post. Deep, thoughtful, insightful, honest. Everything seems so much confusing now, after our babies, doesn't it? Everything is so much *heavier,* and seems to carry so much more weight.

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with all this. I'm sure it must seem like just too much.

Kristy said...

I'm back....this post has been on my mind all day. When I was 15 one of my very dear friends was killed. Almost 15 years ago now, wow. Your post brought back so much, reading it I remember standing at the funeral home with what felt like half my school paying respects to a life lost so young. Feeling so alone, scared and sad. I cried so much, and for weeks following her death. Facing her siblings, and parents not knowing what to say, or even what their pain remotely felt like. I just knew I hurt, so I imagined they hurt 10 fold. Now being that parent, I know the pain...though on a different level.

I just wanted to come back and share that. I hope you and your husband are doing okay.

*hugs*

niobe said...

What a tragic story. The universe really doesn't make much sense sometimes...