Tuesday, September 8, 2009

I don't have a title for this and I don't want to decide one

Ok, so I used to like to be in control(ish). I liked being a part of the decision-making-giving input, talking things out, looking at pros and cons and then making an educated decision.

I remember that one time in my life, I freaked out because I was so sick of hearing my name-it was my wedding day. We were all in the "dressing room" at the church and I swear-all anyone was saying was, "Christy! Do you want..." "Christy! Is this ok?" "Christy! Did you notice..."
I remember completely losing it, bridezilla style.

"I SWEAR IF ONE MORE PERSON IN THIS ROOM SAYS MY NAME I AM GOING TO GO COMPLETELY CRAZY. YES, I KNOW, YES I WANT, YES I NOTICED-I AM GETTING MARRIED IN 3 MINUTES AND I AM NERVOUS!!!!!!"

Total, complete silence ensued.

I've had a few of those freak out moments in my classroom-mostly around the time that Brian's dad was dying/died, but I immediately apologized and the kids, thankfully, realize that it's not me all the time, just then.

Then the babies came, and left. And I had to make all the decisions. God bless my husband-I love him so, so much. But in a NICU (in my experience), they looked to me, the mother.
Quick decisions. You have only seconds.
The most important decisions.
Life changing decisions.

Sophie and Aiden were barely in the NICU for 24 hours.

What if I would have told them to try again to resuscitate Aiden.
What if I would have insisted on a head xray, even though they told me with all the blood he was losing, he was surely bleeding on his brain.
What if I wouldn't have said, "Turn off the machines, I just want to hold him."

What if I wouldn't have held them both-I really just wanted to run away. To pretend.

Now, I hate making any kind of decision. What's for dinner? Which way should we take? Which grading system should we use? I resent being asked. What does it matter, anyway?

I DON'T GIVE A DAMN.

I don't care.

I don't give a shit what we are having for dinner. My babies are dead-what does it matter?

I feel incapable of making decisions. It makes me feel like less of a person-like I'm somehow less than I was before. I wonder if this will go away.

I think I may have ovulated about 7 days ago.

My breasts are sore, I have a dull ache down low. Since I've been on met.formin, I haven't had any pms symptoms at all-just a sudden, heavy flow of blood.

It feels suspiciously the same as the last time.

It must be a trick. I must be imagining it. My brain says, "Slow down." My fingers type to Dr. Google, "How soon after ovulation could you feel pregnancy symptoms?"

I get a bunch of random responses from what must be 17 year olds that, for some reason, do not know how to spell anything.

Honestly, I have no hopes for this. We tried on a whim-literally decided that morning and then had sex every other day for a while. Nothing really planned out. No meds to assist us.

And even if, for some reason, it worked-I have it in my head that I will have a miscarriage-it seems like the thing to do after a loss. It seems like if you lose a baby, you certainly must be inflicted with another loss.

I am so pessimistic, I am so bitter. My brain wins out with this, but cannot handle the decision making function. Not being a great decision maker might not make for an amazing middle school teacher. They have so many questions. I hear my name so many million times a day.

I know that all of you reading this are going, "I know, honey-I know."

I wish we didn't know. I spend my days wishing. For me, for all of us.

10 comments:

margaret said...

Me too honey....Hugs

Tina said...

For me, I don't care to make the decision for those things in life that don't matter, like: what do you want to eat, which movie do you want to watch, etc. Those things are soooo not important to me anymore. When I say I don't care about these things, I truly mean it...I DON"T CARE!!!

I too spend so much time wishing we all didn't know this pain. xx

Akul's mama said...

I agree. Somewhere deep down we all wonder if we are even capable of giving birth to a baby who will live with us till we die...living with that is such a curse.

Catherine W said...

I know honey - I know.

It is so awful, that time when you are being asked to make some of the most important decision you will ever take but you are still in shock and have just given birth. I know that I will always regret some of the decision that I made. But you made those decisions because you love Sophie and Aiden, I made the decisions that I made because I love my daughters. You held them because you love them. The same love that stopped you running away.

I am worried that when I go back to work and someone asks me to make a decision I will have a bridezilla style melt down. Because I really don't give a damn anymore. Someone else can decide.

As for another pregnancy. Sometimes I feel optimistic, sometimes certain that no pregnancy I ever carry will end happily. Sigh. Hugs, hugs, hugs. xo

MK said...

I know, honey - I know. I understand the desire to want all of the unimportant decisions to be made for you. It's hard to feel optimistic and hopeful, I get that too.

I had to make decisions that continue to haunt me but we did it because we loved our babies. We knew we had to be good mothers to them regardless of how bad the outcome was. We sadly learned the lesson that sometimes, someone you love so much, dies and there is nothing you can do about it regardless of how hard you fight for it.

Kristy said...

PLEASE don't go in to another pregnancy assuming the worst. I know its easier said then done, but one thing I do know is that you need to be happy in the moment. If you are pregnant (happy dance) you need to enjoy it for that moment, for that day. You cannot predict the future, so live in the present. Trust me, its HARD for me to believe what I say. I learned that lesson while pregnant with L, and I only wish I had learned it sooner so I could have enjoyed him more in my belly before it was too late. No matter how scared I will be, should we have another pregnancy I will enjoy every moment just in case its the last.

Regarding your decisions...I think all of us who have lost babies question the decisions we made. We all made the decisions we did based on the information we had at the time. You were in the moment, and you made the BEST decision for Aiden and Sophie. You know it deep down in your heart, and so do your precious babies. The choices you made were FOR them.

PS...remind me of all of this next time I need a kick in the butt. I can give advice, I just can't take my own. ;)

xoxo

Nan said...

(((HUGS)))

Christy said...

I agree with Kristy--that is a really good comment. One for everyone to take heed to. Those pep talks we need...but can only get from those who have been there.

And I DO know how decision making gets so nauseatingly hard...and old. Because it doesn't matter. "Just do it!" I saw your blog title first and I just automatically pittied you cuz I knew what kind of day it was and what you have been through and I have SO felt the same way...you said it all in your title.

But read Kristy's comment a few times. We are here for each other. ANd hopefully you can do the pregnant dance!

xxxoooo

iamstacey said...

I'm so sorry, Christy. I know it's not much, but I think you're doing just fine, you're right where you should be. I can't imagine how hard it is to let go of the "what if's, to stop running through it all and wondering how it could have turned out differently. I wish Sophie and Aiden were with you right now.

Your title was perfect. I know it was just a last minute decision to baby dance, but I'm keepin' my fingers crossed for you.

Sending big {{{hugs}}} and positive thoughts your way.

TJ said...

If it helps I had symptoms just 12 days after ovulation. Actually, I tested positive 12 days after, it was 10 days after when symptoms began.

When there is a crisis with our children, we have to make quick decisions, and they aren't wrong. As moms we make them from the heart and do what's best. That's what you did.