I remember that one time in my life, I freaked out because I was so sick of hearing my name-it was my wedding day. We were all in the "dressing room" at the church and I swear-all anyone was saying was, "Christy! Do you want..." "Christy! Is this ok?" "Christy! Did you notice..."
I remember completely losing it, bridezilla style.
"I SWEAR IF ONE MORE PERSON IN THIS ROOM SAYS MY NAME I AM GOING TO GO COMPLETELY CRAZY. YES, I KNOW, YES I WANT, YES I NOTICED-I AM GETTING MARRIED IN 3 MINUTES AND I AM NERVOUS!!!!!!"
Total, complete silence ensued.
I've had a few of those freak out moments in my classroom-mostly around the time that Brian's dad was dying/died, but I immediately apologized and the kids, thankfully, realize that it's not me all the time, just then.
Then the babies came, and left. And I had to make all the decisions. God bless my husband-I love him so, so much. But in a NICU (in my experience), they looked to me, the mother.
Quick decisions. You have only seconds.
The most important decisions.
Life changing decisions.
Sophie and Aiden were barely in the NICU for 24 hours.
What if I would have told them to try again to resuscitate Aiden.
What if I would have insisted on a head xray, even though they told me with all the blood he was losing, he was surely bleeding on his brain.
What if I wouldn't have said, "Turn off the machines, I just want to hold him."
What if I wouldn't have held them both-I really just wanted to run away. To pretend.
Now, I hate making any kind of decision. What's for dinner? Which way should we take? Which grading system should we use? I resent being asked. What does it matter, anyway?
I DON'T GIVE A DAMN.
I don't care.
I don't give a shit what we are having for dinner. My babies are dead-what does it matter?
I feel incapable of making decisions. It makes me feel like less of a person-like I'm somehow less than I was before. I wonder if this will go away.
I think I may have ovulated about 7 days ago.
My breasts are sore, I have a dull ache down low. Since I've been on met.formin, I haven't had any pms symptoms at all-just a sudden, heavy flow of blood.
It feels suspiciously the same as the last time.
It must be a trick. I must be imagining it. My brain says, "Slow down." My fingers type to Dr. Google, "How soon after ovulation could you feel pregnancy symptoms?"
I get a bunch of random responses from what must be 17 year olds that, for some reason, do not know how to spell anything.
Honestly, I have no hopes for this. We tried on a whim-literally decided that morning and then had sex every other day for a while. Nothing really planned out. No meds to assist us.
And even if, for some reason, it worked-I have it in my head that I will have a miscarriage-it seems like the thing to do after a loss. It seems like if you lose a baby, you certainly must be inflicted with another loss.
I am so pessimistic, I am so bitter. My brain wins out with this, but cannot handle the decision making function. Not being a great decision maker might not make for an amazing middle school teacher. They have so many questions. I hear my name so many million times a day.
I know that all of you reading this are going, "I know, honey-I know."
I wish we didn't know. I spend my days wishing. For me, for all of us.