Saturday, September 12, 2009

Breathe

It's the weekend.
I can kind of breathe.

This week was hard. Really, really hard. After only 2 weeks, I am so tired of pretending. So tired of putting on a smile and acting silly and trying to trick my students into thinking that I am still myself.

So, I have no idea what is going on with my body right now. I blogged before that we tried to conceive this month. Well, earlier this week I started to feel really weird things-sore breasts, some headaches, a little nausea. Then yesterday I woke up and thought, "I have a urinary tract infection." So, after school I headed to urgent care. The lady there said that since it was still business hours, I would need to go upstairs to my family doctor's nurse and have her ask me some questions so I could get a test.
So, I went up. Up to the family practice, which is right next to pediatrics. And right next to obgyn. I felt sick. I resented it.

So I wait, and then a nurse comes to get me. And she is the nurse, I realize immediately, that was there for my very first pregnancy appointment when she goes over all the basics.
I'm so mad.
So she is going throw this flow chart of questions and gets to, "Could you be pregnant?"
And I don't know what to say. It's really too early for me to say yes, but I can't say no, but I don't really want to answer.
So I say yes.
She insists I take a blood test before she treats me.
I don't want to.
I don't want to hear that negative. Even if I am, it's way too early to tell. Seriously. Only day 21 of a 31 day cycle.

So she makes me.
I listen to the voicemail, "Christine, the blood test results came back negative...." and I crumble. Crumble to the floor. Of course it's negative. Of course by the time I got it I had somehow convinced myself it could actually be positive. I hate this. I hate that they made me. And then I hear her say, "But, actually, you would have gotten teh same treatment whether or not you were pregnant."

WHAT? I so did not need to even take that test!!!! ARGGGH!

So here I am today, my breasts are SO sore. They hurt just to touch them. I have headaches. I'm tired. And now all I can think is, what is wrong with me? What is making this happen? I'm not pregnant. Am I imagining it because I want it so bad? Stress can cause a lot of this, I suppose.

Then, I made the decision tonight that I have to stop the met.formin. I haven't really said much about it, but over 6 weeks later, it is making me sick. I tried to give it as much time as I could, but seriously-every day I have to run to the bathroom between classes. The weight is melting off of me, which is welcomed, but I'm too sick. My stomach is starting to hurt from going to the bathroom in that fashion so much. I have to call the doc but in the meantime, I just can't handle it. This is mostly bad because I do not want to take clo.mid and the met is my only other option at this point.

This week was so, so hard. I'm so glad for the weekend. I'm so glad to have a little time.

8 comments:

margaret said...

So you might actually be pregnant. It is too early to test. I had a negative lab test come back on the 24th day of my cycle when I had to go in for a MRI. I had done a round of clomid that month. Convinced I wasn't pregnant, when I was late that month I took a hometest which proved positive. Test again at the end of the month. Hugging you.

Akul's mama said...

Hugsssss. I hope you are pregnant.

2Erica2 said...

I just stumbled upon your blog and there are some things that ring so familiar to me... I wish you luck with the school year. I found it was so difficult going through pregnancy struggles and losses as a teacher. You are expected to be smiley, interested and enthusiastic, punctual, and upbeat! Ugh....sometimes it takes energy that doesn't exist to pull yourself up. I just wanted to say that I can empathize to a lesser degree (I only had a miscarriage early on), but it was tough and I hope that it can at least offer you a break from the preoccupations of more painful thoughts!

Tina said...

I can totally relate to all of this post. This week was tough for me too, I found myself in tears throughout the days. Being in the classroom sucks the energy from my body and I have nothing left by the time I get home. It is so hard to be "fake" for all those hours...I really resent being there sometimes. I hope you have a peaceful weekend and next week may be a ltlle better. xx

Just Breathe said...

I am so sorry to hear about how hard it is for you. You shouldn't have to be fake, that is so much pressure on you. Hope your feeling better. Have a nice weekend. (HUGS)

Catherine W said...

I'm so sorry you've had such a tough week. I always think teaching is so difficult in that there is 'nowhere to hide' whereas in other jobs (like mine) you can just lurk behind your computer.

The encounter at the doctor's sounds horrible. It is difficult when it is all treated in such a careless (not quite the right word perhaps) way.

Oh hon, I just hope for good news for you soon. xo

iamstacey said...

Don't be disappointed yet, it's way too early to test. I'm so sorry for the hard week. I wear my emotions on my sleeve, I can't image having to hold up in front of your kids every day. Sending hugs your way.

Bree said...

I agree, it's too early to know. Perhaps you are preggo.... Hope so! The "diet" I'm starting is in the book, "The Fertility Diet." Basically, no sugar and lots of protein. Which is so hard because I love sugar. But, each time I crave it, I'll just think, "baby."