I can kind of breathe.
This week was hard. Really, really hard. After only 2 weeks, I am so tired of pretending. So tired of putting on a smile and acting silly and trying to trick my students into thinking that I am still myself.
So, I have no idea what is going on with my body right now. I blogged before that we tried to conceive this month. Well, earlier this week I started to feel really weird things-sore breasts, some headaches, a little nausea. Then yesterday I woke up and thought, "I have a urinary tract infection." So, after school I headed to urgent care. The lady there said that since it was still business hours, I would need to go upstairs to my family doctor's nurse and have her ask me some questions so I could get a test.
So, I went up. Up to the family practice, which is right next to pediatrics. And right next to obgyn. I felt sick. I resented it.
So I wait, and then a nurse comes to get me. And she is the nurse, I realize immediately, that was there for my very first pregnancy appointment when she goes over all the basics.
I'm so mad.
So she is going throw this flow chart of questions and gets to, "Could you be pregnant?"
And I don't know what to say. It's really too early for me to say yes, but I can't say no, but I don't really want to answer.
So I say yes.
She insists I take a blood test before she treats me.
I don't want to.
I don't want to hear that negative. Even if I am, it's way too early to tell. Seriously. Only day 21 of a 31 day cycle.
So she makes me.
I listen to the voicemail, "Christine, the blood test results came back negative...." and I crumble. Crumble to the floor. Of course it's negative. Of course by the time I got it I had somehow convinced myself it could actually be positive. I hate this. I hate that they made me. And then I hear her say, "But, actually, you would have gotten teh same treatment whether or not you were pregnant."
WHAT? I so did not need to even take that test!!!! ARGGGH!
So here I am today, my breasts are SO sore. They hurt just to touch them. I have headaches. I'm tired. And now all I can think is, what is wrong with me? What is making this happen? I'm not pregnant. Am I imagining it because I want it so bad? Stress can cause a lot of this, I suppose.
Then, I made the decision tonight that I have to stop the met.formin. I haven't really said much about it, but over 6 weeks later, it is making me sick. I tried to give it as much time as I could, but seriously-every day I have to run to the bathroom between classes. The weight is melting off of me, which is welcomed, but I'm too sick. My stomach is starting to hurt from going to the bathroom in that fashion so much. I have to call the doc but in the meantime, I just can't handle it. This is mostly bad because I do not want to take clo.mid and the met is my only other option at this point.
This week was so, so hard. I'm so glad for the weekend. I'm so glad to have a little time.