Monday, September 14, 2009

Guilt

So this morning, I get to school and I can think is, "exactly 5 months ago to the minute I was on the way to the NICU to visit Aiden, only to find out that he was going to die. 5 months ago I held my son for the first and the last time. I had a son. I had a son."
I thought, "How can I focus on work? How can I do this?" I started to break. I started to panic. Who could I call? What do I do? I can't do this, I can't do this.

But I did it. And so I got ready for the day, pulling out games/flashcards that I'd need, changing the date, writing the days activities on the board. Turned on the French music (a little too loud) and sat at my desk, pulling up attendance and the daily announcements.
E-mail pops up.
From my dad.
E-mails from my dad always make me feel a little funny (we haven't had any sort of relationship since 7 years ago when my parents divorced suddenly-he left us for the lady across the street-and did a lot of nasty things after). Today it makes me sort of nauseous.
"Dear Christy,
I was scanning some pictures over the weekend and thought I'd send them to you to see."

I open them up, and it's about 30 pictures of me when I was a little baby/toddler with my dad.
I couldn't breathe. I couldn't do anything. This. This is what Sophie might have looked like. At least a little. She would have looked like this a little. At least. If not just alike.

I was in a panic the whole rest of the day.

Why would he send those? Typically I feel like it's guilt. He signed it "Miss you, Dad."
I haven't seen him for a couple of years now. And it was a couple of years before that the last time. He certainly wasn't scanning pictures over the weekend-the album was in picasa and marked march 2007 (he must think I'm a moron).

The guilt eats away at me, a little bit each day. I should be a better daughter. I'm his only daughter. What if, what if, what if. I should, I should, I should.

HE did it. He left us. He yelled at us-he pushed me into a closet-he threw things and swore at us and my mother. HE DID IT.

But the guilt is mine now. And it will be until I initiate some kind of contact with him beyond e-mail.

Maybe he wasn't perfect. Perhaps he deserves another chance. Maybe these pictures are to remind me that he was such a good father. Perhaps I am remembering wrong. Perhaps this is propaganda.

But the guilt eats at me from another direction-if I initiate contact with him, my mom and my sister (not his biological daughter-honestly what the h does that matter) get angry with me. I can't tell them. "He'll just hurt you again, " my mom says.
"You're talking to THAT psycho?" my sister asks. Doesn't call for a few weeks.

Mostly, I think-why today? Why today, of all days? Doesn't anybody know? Doesn't anybody know that on the 13th and 14th I grieve harder? My babies died on these days. They left me and my arms that ache for them ache harder on these days.

Mostly, I wonder-how can I survive this? How can so many people I love leave me? How can I look past all of this? How can I carry this guilt and sadness but still hold on to some hope? How is my heart ever going to heal from this?


4 comments:

Lea said...

Guilt is such a terrible, self-destructive emotion we force ourselves to deal with.

I am so sorry about the way your father left. Maybe this is his way of reaching out to you - his daughter.

Only you know what you feel in your heart - what you need. Don't let anyone else tell you otherwise.

Thinking of you and your precious Angels today and always.

Just Breathe said...

I'm so sorry for the day you had.
I don't know what to tell you about your Dad. Did this happen today because God wanted it to. I know your Dad was wrong, very wrong. Has he ever apologized?
I wish I could help you make the decision but your heart will lead you. Pray about it and I will pray for God to give you the answers your looking for. You certainly don't need added stress in your life. ((HUGS))

Akul's mama said...

You said, "How can so many people I love leave me?" and I echo that. I do feel that all the people I have loved a lot have left me and gone to the place where souls go after they leave the body. I too wonder how can I live like this...but I do. Hugssss

Catherine W said...

Oh hugs. I'm so sorry. Sometimes things just converge on days like this one. It isn't fair.
You shouldn't have to feel guilty for not contacting your dad more directly. As you say yourself, none of this situation is of your making, none of it is your fault. It's his. He was the adult, he should never have behaved towards you in the way that he did. I wish I could take the guilt away from you. xo