The doc is in!

Soooooo....Aunt Flo came for a visit today.

I don't know whether to be relieved or sad. Both, I guess.

I was at work today, and I had this little cramp, and I was like, Oh-guess I'm getting my period-huh-I guess I knew that was coming, ya know...eventually.

So, then at lunch I got really mad. This period took 41 days to come! My appointment at the fertility doctor is not until oct. 19th, so I'll just waste this dumb very long cycle because I'm not on metformin, or clomid, or anything. I could have sex every other day until next year and it wouldn't matter!

So, I decided to call. I left a LOOOOONG, rambling message for the nurse of the fert. doc I've been assigned to.

It went something like,

"I started my period today and so I was wondering if the doctor even though she hasn't met me could just prescribe me the clomid i've taken it before ya know so yeah and then she could just make me an appointment to have an u/s cause all i really need is an u/s because, well, i've been pregnant before but I conceived twins but I can't have twins this time because it's too dangerous because you see they were born prematurely and they didn't live and see my cyles are like 40 or 50 days long sometimes and ohhhh and I'm rambling oh and my birthday is 5.31.81 and yeah. Ok, thanks!"

Deep breath.

Then, after school, I heard my cell phone buzzing. I look and it's the clinic!!! I was shocked actually. Just a few hour long turn around. It was the NICEST nurse EVAR. No lie. She started OFF by saying, "Honey, I just want you to know right away how sorry I am for your loss. We want to get you started down a good path again and we want things to end wonderfully this time."

And she was SINCERE.

And then she said that I was lucky (HA) because my doctor is never in on Tuesdays, but she was there today and so she was able to ask her about my message.

SO!!! She (the doc) didn't feel comfortable prescribing me anything without meeting me (I knew that would happen, I guess I'm actually glad about that) BUT she was going to fit me in at 2:00 on Friday. THIS FRIDAY!!!!! Just a half hour, more directed appointment. And she has a new medication in mind, letrozole (femara brandname-anyone familiar with this?) that works like clomid but has a less chance of multiples! I have to go tomorrow to take a pregnancy test at the clinic (trust me, I have so many negative pregnancy tests it's not even funny) because a study showed it caused birth defects if taken AFTER conception (it is a breast cancer drug as well).

She's fitting me in after her work hours are over on a FRIDAY!!!!!

I'm way, way excited, right? I call my husband and I'm psyched because it's homecoming parade here on Friday so we don't even have to take off work. It'll be day 4 of my cycle, which is the day you start taking the medicine. I don't know what it will all involve or how the u/s will go or anything.

Then, it sinks in. I could take this medication on Friday and then ovulate and then I could be pregnant again. In a few weeks! What if!?!?!?

And this could happen again.

But it won't.

But it could.

Whoa. So excited to be "officially" trying again. Even though I know it could be a long road just to even get pregnant and then what's after that is....well, terrifying. I am feeling a little hopeful today!

A million years

After filling out the one zillion page questionnaire (read: one zillion equals 6 double sided pages), the fertility clinic called me today to make an appointment.

October 19th.

It seems a MILLION years away. I just wanted to be pregnant before the time I got pregnant last year. Not gonna happen. Why am I whining about this? Who knows how long it will take anyway!?

I just want to call my nurse practitioner and have her give me the clomid-she's who gave it to me before-but in order to have the transvaginal ultrasound after to check for the nuber of follicles (to avoid multiples), I have to go to the fertility clinic. ALL I need is a dumb u/s!!!!!! (well, I hope. I really, really hope).

Over the weekend we found THE house. Not even kidding. It was so much better than the other one that I loved and only 5,000 more. It already has an offer but they have a contingency on selling their house. oooooohhhhhhh I want this house!

I feel it will take (you guessed it) a million years for our house to sell.

Please help-how do you regain your patience? How do you not feel like every single thing in life you have to wait so much longer than everyone else for?

ARGH!!!!!!!!

Mystery

Here are the two main mysteries of my life (ya know, for today):

1. Still no period. Finally let myself test again today. Could not be more negative. And since it's about a million days past ovulation (well, actually it's more like there was no ovulation, I'm guessing), it's a negative for sure kinda negative. I hope the fertility clinic calls me soon to schedule my appointment. I'm wondering if it could hurt to take a week of birth control to make my period come. Although, since I don't have the clomid yet, that's rather pointless.

2. The mystery of selling a house. So, we had a house showing on Thursday. We were sort of annoyed because our realtor called at 4:30 and said...so, I forgot to call you last night-could you have a showing tonight between 5:30 and 6:30? I was annoyed, but honestly, I can't say no to a showing, so I ran around sweeping and vaccuuming. Anyway, we get home, and on the counter, there is this little, um...package? I guess you'd call it. Instead of the realtors business card, there is a little package. It has a ribbon, and a little tag that says "many thanks" and a poem (something about the sunshine in my heart) and it is attached to a granola bar.

Yes, I said granola bar.

What?

Have any of you ever left a "treat" at a home you went through????

So, this is what is keeping me up at night. That, and so much more, of course :) I'm so frustrated with my body, so frustrated with having to keep to myself at school so often. I like being alone right now, but I resent the fact that I have to. I don't know if that makes sense.

We spent the whole night last night with our friends K and M, who just adopted a baby boy. They looked so, so, so happy. Every single thing he does makes your heart melt. I just, so desperately want to feel that happiness. I know it won't erase this pain, but I just...I'm so desperate. I feel SO desperate....

Well, off I go to do laundry, go grocery shopping...ya know, the fun fun fun weekend stuff we have to do when we grow up!

Fragile

Sunday night after I finished my post, my husband and I were climbing into bed when the phone rang. It was after 10 pm and so we voted (unanimously) to ignore the call. A few minutes later it rang again and we reluctantly answered.

It was a colleague from school.

A girl, a senior at my husband's high school, whose litter brother is an 8th grader at my school, had been up on a bluff near our house and went outside of the fence at the lookout area. She slipped and fell.

To her death.

Her boyfriend was with her and he lost sight of her and started screaming for her but couldn't find her so someone called 911.

School has been full of tears. The meeting before school to discuss a tragedy. The guidance counselors instructing us on "tips for grief."

It brought everything back so strongly.

As much as I am hurting for this family, I couldn't help but be brought back into the very depths of my grief.

Last night was the visitation. I saw hundreds of students, ones that I have had in past years, with faces of fear and pain and grief. It just broke my heart over and over again.

Too much. Too much pain. This beautiful, beautiful girl with her future still ahead of her.

Then I think, my beautiful babies with their whole future ahead of them.

It's all to close to home. I really struggled. I felt guilty for thinking about MYself when this family is going through something so, so, terribly tragic.

A misstep. A bad choice. The end.

The boy that was with her, her boyfriend, I had as a student 3 years in a row. He has an amazing heart. He's so polite, so kind. So funny and fun.

He stood there, in front of the casket, for minutes at a time, sobbing. Sobbing from down in his core.

He blames himself, I thought. Of course he does.

I hugged him tightly and tried to say something, like-I know the guilt. In such a different way, but I know it. Please know it's not your fault.

He's only 17.

I am clinging to my husband. These constant remembers that life is SO fragile. That you never know.

I am on what would be cycle day 33. Still no period. Last Thursday night, I was lying in bed and I felt my period coming. Cramping. I looked at my husband and teared up. "Period coming, I said." In the middle of that night, I wiped and saw tiny twinges of pink blood. This confirmed that AF was on her way and I felt so bummed out.

Then it didn't come.

And didn't come.

So on cycle day 31, I tested. Negative.

I HATE THIS. I hate that the test says negative and my period doesn't come. I hate that my husband will just say, "Don't give up! Maybe the test was wrong."

But really, is the test wrong? No. It's cruel for me to keep thinking that it might change.

But my brain, it doesn't listen to me.

You see, my periods used to be SUPER irregular (pcos). Like 90 days long sometimes. But ever since giving birth, they have been between 30-31 days each and every month.

Maybe what you felt on Thursday night was implantation? You o'd late, then? It wouldn't even show up for a few more days! Remember when the nurse said never to test until day 40? Or wait a week a test.

I HATE IT.

I want to drink caffeine. Say F it and give up.

But the tiniest part of my brain says, "What if...?"

And it is so cruel.

25 months ago I threw away the birth control. I know people wait much longer, go through more treatments, more or different losses.

But you just don't ever imagine this happening when you are a little girl.

You just can never guess :(

So, anyway, I'll have to be moving on to the clo.mid since I had to stop taking the met.formin. This is not good for me because now the risk of multiples increases. Not by much, I realize, but I conceived twins on one dose of 50 mg, so...yeah. Anyway, in order to do this, it involved me calling the fertility center. So I called and said I needed a new patient appointment. She asked, "Do you know what you need? Like, IVF, or what?"

This question took me off guard.

So I told her what happened. That I had conceived using clomid, but lost the twins, and multiples is too dangerous for me now.

She said, "Oh."

This is my LEAST FAVORITE ANSWER. I don't know, sometimes, why I expect anything different from "Oh." I don't know what I want. Do I want them to fall all over me, expressing their sadness and condolences and concern? Not really. But "Oh" always gets me :(

I'm thinking of all of you ladies out there tonight. Wishing we were meeting on a different part of the internet. Wishing you all had your little ones. Just thinking of you.

crumbling

negative pregnancy test. still no period. must be creating my own symptoms.

house that we really, really wanted-sold. drove by to see them packing up their moving van.

first time seeing family since babies died=no one even mentioned a thing. like it didn't even happen.

middle schoolers=stressful.

really, really want to run far, far away.

trying so hard to see the "light" instead of the "dark." I promise-I'm trying.

Friendship Award

Nan, at Remembering our Triplet Angels, nominated me for an award! It is the Friendship Award! Nan-you are the sweetest. You are so kind and supportive and always thinking of others. Thank you for thinking of me!

Ok, so here are the rules:

"This award is bestowed on to blogs that are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in self-aggrandizement. Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers. Deliver this award to six bloggers who must choose six more and include this cleverly-written text into the body of their award."

It is so hard to pick just 6! Here I go:

Kristy @ I love you to the moon and back

Tina @ Living without Sophia and Ellie

Akul's mama @ Aaajaa Akul

Catherine W @ Between the Snow and the Huge Roses

Niccole @ Missing Kasey

and

Bluebird @ Little Bluebirds Fly

You are all so sweet and have helped me through so many hard spots early on in this grief. Thank you! :)

Musings

Conversation* today, in my room after school is over, with the custodian.

We see E walk by, who yells, cheerfully, "Good night, Christy!". She just recently got engaged to another teacher in my school.

S, the custodian says, "Someone should tell her that she shouldn't be so happy. Tell her that it's getting married that really begins the aging process."

I say, "Yep."

S says, "Heh. Then comes kids. You reaaaaallllly start to age once you have kids."

I say (in my head), "Then those babies die. You really, really start to age once they die."

I say (aloud), "Yep."

*if conversation means that he complains about life and how bad the students are while I try like crazy to get my work finished so that I can go home and nod or grunt at appropriate pauses in said conversation

this song is amazing-it's where someday I hope I will be (though I'm not so confident!)

Guilt

So this morning, I get to school and I can think is, "exactly 5 months ago to the minute I was on the way to the NICU to visit Aiden, only to find out that he was going to die. 5 months ago I held my son for the first and the last time. I had a son. I had a son."

I thought, "How can I focus on work? How can I do this?" I started to break. I started to panic. Who could I call? What do I do? I can't do this, I can't do this.

But I did it. And so I got ready for the day, pulling out games/flashcards that I'd need, changing the date, writing the days activities on the board. Turned on the French music (a little too loud) and sat at my desk, pulling up attendance and the daily announcements.

E-mail pops up.

From my dad.

E-mails from my dad always make me feel a little funny (we haven't had any sort of relationship since 7 years ago when my parents divorced suddenly-he left us for the lady across the street-and did a lot of nasty things after). Today it makes me sort of nauseous.

"Dear Christy,

I was scanning some pictures over the weekend and thought I'd send them to you to see."

I open them up, and it's about 30 pictures of me when I was a little baby/toddler with my dad.

I couldn't breathe. I couldn't do anything. This. This is what Sophie might have looked like. At least a little. She would have looked like this a little. At least. If not just alike.

I was in a panic the whole rest of the day.

Why would he send those? Typically I feel like it's guilt. He signed it "Miss you, Dad."

I haven't seen him for a couple of years now. And it was a couple of years before that the last time. He certainly wasn't scanning pictures over the weekend-the album was in picasa and marked march 2007 (he must think I'm a moron).

The guilt eats away at me, a little bit each day. I should be a better daughter. I'm his only daughter. What if, what if, what if. I should, I should, I should.

HE did it. He left us. He yelled at us-he pushed me into a closet-he threw things and swore at us and my mother. HE DID IT.

But the guilt is mine now. And it will be until I initiate some kind of contact with him beyond e-mail.

Maybe he wasn't perfect. Perhaps he deserves another chance. Maybe these pictures are to remind me that he was such a good father. Perhaps I am remembering wrong. Perhaps this is propaganda.

But the guilt eats at me from another direction-if I initiate contact with him, my mom and my sister (not his biological daughter-honestly what the h does that matter) get angry with me. I can't tell them. "He'll just hurt you again, " my mom says.

"You're talking to THAT psycho?" my sister asks. Doesn't call for a few weeks.

Mostly, I think-why today? Why today, of all days? Doesn't anybody know? Doesn't anybody know that on the 13th and 14th I grieve harder? My babies died on these days. They left me and my arms that ache for them ache harder on these days.

Mostly, I wonder-how can I survive this? How can so many people I love leave me? How can I look past all of this? How can I carry this guilt and sadness but still hold on to some hope? How is my heart ever going to heal from this?

On this day...

5 months ago,

Sophie and Aiden made their way into this world.

They made their way into this world much, much too early.

I sit here this morning, not being able to sleep. Thinking of this day 5 months ago. The pain, the blood, the fear, the sickness.

The choices.

The hushed voices.

The despair.

The delivery room haunts me. Dr.P holding my knee, just chatting with the other doctor on staff. "You just can't trust the second twin, ya know." He'd say, and then rub my belly with the ultrasound wand.

Brian, not saying anything. No happy daddy here. Just one that is terrified.

Babies are whisked away. Blood is cleaned up. We are left alone.

Alone.

Sophie and Aiden,

It is impossible for me to believe that you're not still coming. That you're not just still on your way. I think I will always, always be waiting for you to arrive. I miss you more than any words I could put on this screen. I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to live this.

Today I am filled what what-ifs and what-should have beens.

But Today I am filled with love you for, and pride. I am so proud that you existed. I hear your names and I crumble because you did exist.

I wish I could tell you so many more things.

I wish so, so many things.

I love you.

Breathe

It's the weekend.

I can kind of breathe.

This week was hard. Really, really hard. After only 2 weeks, I am so tired of pretending. So tired of putting on a smile and acting silly and trying to trick my students into thinking that I am still myself.

So, I have no idea what is going on with my body right now. I blogged before that we tried to conceive this month. Well, earlier this week I started to feel really weird things-sore breasts, some headaches, a little nausea. Then yesterday I woke up and thought, "I have a urinary tract infection." So, after school I headed to urgent care. The lady there said that since it was still business hours, I would need to go upstairs to my family doctor's nurse and have her ask me some questions so I could get a test.

So, I went up. Up to the family practice, which is right next to pediatrics. And right next to obgyn. I felt sick. I resented it.

So I wait, and then a nurse comes to get me. And she is the nurse, I realize immediately, that was there for my very first pregnancy appointment when she goes over all the basics.

I'm so mad.

So she is going throw this flow chart of questions and gets to, "Could you be pregnant?"

And I don't know what to say. It's really too early for me to say yes, but I can't say no, but I don't really want to answer.

So I say yes.

She insists I take a blood test before she treats me.

I don't want to.

I don't want to hear that negative. Even if I am, it's way too early to tell. Seriously. Only day 21 of a 31 day cycle.

So she makes me.

I listen to the voicemail, "Christine, the blood test results came back negative...." and I crumble. Crumble to the floor. Of course it's negative. Of course by the time I got it I had somehow convinced myself it could actually be positive. I hate this. I hate that they made me. And then I hear her say, "But, actually, you would have gotten teh same treatment whether or not you were pregnant."

WHAT? I so did not need to even take that test!!!! ARGGGH!

So here I am today, my breasts are SO sore. They hurt just to touch them. I have headaches. I'm tired. And now all I can think is, what is wrong with me? What is making this happen? I'm not pregnant. Am I imagining it because I want it so bad? Stress can cause a lot of this, I suppose.

Then, I made the decision tonight that I have to stop the met.formin. I haven't really said much about it, but over 6 weeks later, it is making me sick. I tried to give it as much time as I could, but seriously-every day I have to run to the bathroom between classes. The weight is melting off of me, which is welcomed, but I'm too sick. My stomach is starting to hurt from going to the bathroom in that fashion so much. I have to call the doc but in the meantime, I just can't handle it. This is mostly bad because I do not want to take clo.mid and the met is my only other option at this point.

This week was so, so hard. I'm so glad for the weekend. I'm so glad to have a little time.

I don't have a title for this and I don't want to decide one

Ok, so I used to like to be in control(ish). I liked being a part of the decision-making-giving input, talking things out, looking at pros and cons and then making an educated decision.

I remember that one time in my life, I freaked out because I was so sick of hearing my name-it was my wedding day. We were all in the "dressing room" at the church and I swear-all anyone was saying was, "Christy! Do you want..." "Christy! Is this ok?" "Christy! Did you notice..."

I remember completely losing it, bridezilla style.

"I SWEAR IF ONE MORE PERSON IN THIS ROOM SAYS MY NAME I AM GOING TO GO COMPLETELY CRAZY. YES, I KNOW, YES I WANT, YES I NOTICED-I AM GETTING MARRIED IN 3 MINUTES AND I AM NERVOUS!!!!!!"

Total, complete silence ensued.

I've had a few of those freak out moments in my classroom-mostly around the time that Brian's dad was dying/died, but I immediately apologized and the kids, thankfully, realize that it's not me all the time, just then.

Then the babies came, and left. And I had to make all the decisions. God bless my husband-I love him so, so much. But in a NICU (in my experience), they looked to me, the mother.

Quick decisions. You have only seconds.

The most important decisions.

Life changing decisions.

Sophie and Aiden were barely in the NICU for 24 hours.

What if I would have told them to try again to resuscitate Aiden.

What if I would have insisted on a head xray, even though they told me with all the blood he was losing, he was surely bleeding on his brain.

What if I wouldn't have said, "Turn off the machines, I just want to hold him."

What if I wouldn't have held them both-I really just wanted to run away. To pretend.

Now, I hate making any kind of decision. What's for dinner? Which way should we take? Which grading system should we use? I resent being asked. What does it matter, anyway?

I DON'T GIVE A DAMN.

I don't care.

I don't give a shit what we are having for dinner. My babies are dead-what does it matter?

I feel incapable of making decisions. It makes me feel like less of a person-like I'm somehow less than I was before. I wonder if this will go away.

I think I may have ovulated about 7 days ago.

My breasts are sore, I have a dull ache down low. Since I've been on met.formin, I haven't had any pms symptoms at all-just a sudden, heavy flow of blood.

It feels suspiciously the same as the last time.

It must be a trick. I must be imagining it. My brain says, "Slow down." My fingers type to Dr. Google, "How soon after ovulation could you feel pregnancy symptoms?"

I get a bunch of random responses from what must be 17 year olds that, for some reason, do not know how to spell anything.

Honestly, I have no hopes for this. We tried on a whim-literally decided that morning and then had sex every other day for a while. Nothing really planned out. No meds to assist us.

And even if, for some reason, it worked-I have it in my head that I will have a miscarriage-it seems like the thing to do after a loss. It seems like if you lose a baby, you certainly must be inflicted with another loss.

I am so pessimistic, I am so bitter. My brain wins out with this, but cannot handle the decision making function. Not being a great decision maker might not make for an amazing middle school teacher. They have so many questions. I hear my name so many million times a day.

I know that all of you reading this are going, "I know, honey-I know."

I wish we didn't know. I spend my days wishing. For me, for all of us.

Today, on facebook:

"Baby S made their way into the world today! What a great reminder that all is right in the world!"

Yeah. Maybe in your world.

Not in mine.

Fuck.

We are everywhere

So, the first few days of school have been....well, good. If I were just looking at it from a job perspective, I would say great. When you mix in the life stuff, it goes down to just good.

Ok, I have to stop and say I feel so guilty about posting anything at ALL because I just start thinking about Mirne and Craig....but I will keep going because I guess that's all I know how to do!

Anyway, my classes are good. I have two 7th grade classes that had my long-term sub at the end of last year and have me now. The good part of this, is that they all absolutely swear that I am the greatest teacher ever and that they feel so lucky to have me now. The bad part of this is that since it was pretty much an emergency, the sub for me really wasn't a French teacher and so I have to start all over with them. In the scheme of life, this doesn't matter. Really. So, anyway, I'm having fun getting to know the 180 students I have at once!!!!

So, last night we had open house. This is a time when parents can come in with their children and meet their teachers, see their classrooms. I actually wasn't too worried about it. I was so tired and not looking forward to being at work from 7 am until 7 pm, but that was about it. I guess I wasn't really prepared for how it would affect me.

Parents with their kids. The pride they show on the faces. The smiles they get when you're speaking about them. That look. You know the look-the one they get when they look at their child, the love of their life. It gets me right down deep. Sophie and Aiden won't make it to middle school and that is something that I just find hard to believe. Part of me is still waiting for this to be a nightmare that I will wake up from. Part of me, I think, will always be waiting.

Then, I realized that WE are everywhere. Babylost mamas. We're hidden in places that you just don't know. A boy and his mom came in. He is a 7th grader, a boy that I should have had last spring but was out on my maternity leave. His mom came up to me and introduced herself. There was a language barrier; she was a native Spanish speaker. Typically, I only see 6th graders, new to the school, on open house. I told her that I enjoyed having her son in class and she nodded and smiled. We talked a little more, but it was clear that the language barrier was making it hard, there was a natural pause in the conversation and I thought she'd walk away-there were other parents waiting. She started to walk away and then she said, "How are you?" which I thought was kind of odd, because we had already been talking. I just looked at her and said, "I'm doing well, thank you." She and her son started to walk away and then he stopped. He said, "My mom wants to tell you she's sorry about your babies."

My pulse quickened and my mouth turned dry. I couldn't lose it now, not in front of all of these parents-I felt like they were all listening in.

She leaned close into me and whispered, with a thick accent, "I lost one, too. I had twins and one died. Every time I look at her I feel so bad that I can't see the other one. It hurts me bad. I'm so sorry for you."

I thought immediately of Catherine W and tears sprang to my eyes. I looked into this woman's eyes and I could see a little of ME.

She hugged me tight. And she left.

I don't know how to explain how this left me reeling. I don't know how to explain how this made me feel. Such utter sadness, way down deep. Such love for this woman I did not know. Such gratitude for her taking the time to talk to me. Such, such, such sadness.

I am making through this week, begrudgingly. I feel such resentment that I have to be there. I feel so tired. I feel like I don't have the time anymore to grieve. I feel like I'm just pretending, walking through life on autopilot. I'm having fun, but it's not the same. I guess I'm just getting by.

A cruel joke?

I have been checking Mirne's blog like a crazy woman.

Today, on my first day of school, at lunch time- the first thing I did was come here to check for pictures.

I almost threw up.

Someone must have hacked into Mirne's account and made a horrible, untrue post about her new baby, Jet. There's no way this is true. It's impossible.

All afternoon I thought, there is no way. No way at all.

I will never, ever, ever understand.

I just don't get it.

If you haven't already, please send your love to Mirne and Craig:

http://freyja-kees-lovedsomuch.blogspot.com/

I am sending you ALL my love tonight, from Wisconsin in the US. I hope it makes it there. I'm thinking of baby Freyja, and baby Kees, and hoping they are taking good care of baby Jet.