Oh, 2010. I don't even know how I feel about you. Of course, I love you because you brought me my beautiful Rainbow and all of the hope and happiness that has come along with her. But you brought me further from my gorgeous twins, and a lot of interesting challenges along with that.
When I look at last years year in review, I'm thinking that it is going to look a LOT different. My life is a lot different. From an outsider's perspective, it looks pretty darn good. And it is. But it is still complicated, and twisty. Dark yet light.
Well, enough. Here we go.
January: I was in the second trimester of my pregnancy. I started seeing a psychologist again as the ptsd kicked into overdrive approaching the different milestones in my pregnancy.
February: Had our anatomy scan to find that we were having a healthy, beautiful baby girl. I was terrified beyond belief, yet not very relieved after the scan. I had a perfect scan with the twins, too.
March: Found out we sold our house!!!!! Passed the 21 wks 3 days milestone (when my water broke). Immediately started looking for a house to buy. Passed the year mark of when my water broke (march 29th)
April: Passed the 23wks3 days milestone (when the twins were born). Had a French teacher come to stay with us, along with 15 French students in our school district. Raised over $2,000 for the March of Dimes and walked 6 miles (me in a wheelchair since I was too nervous to walk!). Celebrated (mourned) Sophie and Aiden's first birthday in Heaven. Moved into our new house.
May: Finished up a challenging school year. Got situated in the house. Finally began buying things for the baby and working on a nursery.
June: Spent waiting in anticipation. Walked miles each day trying to start labor. Visited garage sales. Tried to stay calm.
July: Avery is born!
August: Learn to care for miss Avery.
September: Hubby is back to work.
October, November, December: Struggle to get through the holidays without Sophie and Aiden, but also enjoyed Avery's firsts. I went back to work in November and hubby took the month of December off. We visited friends and family.
I have such a hard time putting into words what this year has been like. In certain ways, I can't even remember parts of it. Other parts are crystal clear. So much of it was unlike anything I ever dreamed of. Motherhood (to a living child) is not lost on me-I am SO grateful. So often I find myself crying at the prospect of the most simple things. I still most times cannot even believe that Avery is here, safe, and that she's mine. I often have to pinch myself. I am so grateful.
And then sometimes I'm still so bitter and full of resentment. I wonder why my babies had to leave; why I had to be the one to experience this.
I've met so many friends through this blog. A few of whom I would consider my best friends (don't know if that's creepy or not, but it's true). A few who I feel such a bond with.
My life is full of so much good and still so much sadness. I don't anticipate this changing in the next year.
Or ever, really.
Be safe ringing in this New Year. Wishing you all a peaceful and happy 2011. :)
The Quiet Zone
16 hours ago
7 comments:
Thank you for sharing your year, the happy and the sad. The roller coaster of emotions has to be so draining. ((HUGS)) Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Have a beautiful New Year.
that made me tired just reading it ;) just kidding.. it is interesting how from the outside looking it, everything is perfect, but there is a 'secret' outsiders do not know about.. the pain of missing our babies is still there.. even with a rainbow..it still remains.. anyway.. big hugs friend.. I truly pray that 2011 brings you, B and certainly little miss Avery much joy and happiness!! xoxo
ps..nevermind all of the typo's, apparently my hands aren't in sync with my brain ;)
I am so with you in not even knowing how to feel about 2010. Weird for me because I'm usually not too at a loss for my feelings!
Praying that 2011 continues to bring so, so much joy in that sweet little Avery, and is gentle to you and your heart as you miss and mourn (and always will) the twins...navigating through each day the best you can.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxox
I can't imagine going through that much in a year. I hope 2011 brings more happiness and peace!
I just found your blog and wished I'd had the courage you do seven years ago when my Jade was stillborn @ 37 weeks. Today is the anniversary of the day we found out she died. I carried her for another week until she could be safely (for me) delivered. I had two rainbow babies in the 2 years that followed (my second was due on this date. She was born 2 days after her sister's birthday). Even now, this life is so filled with the joy of my babies and the sorrow of missing my angel. But I have found so much peace in realizing that I get to love her just the same as if she were here. I hope you find peace as your journey continues. And thank you for this blog.
Our feelings or expressions of joy can't help but be compared along those of pain and grief. After losing a child, everything that would normally be bright and happy feels a little bit dimmer. I can't think of joy without sorrow - I hope that in time as the wound (okay, let's be real- the giant, gaping hole in my chest) heals a little bit that I'll be able to do the reverse: see the joy when I think about the sorrow. Until then, I remember that every day I had Claire was a blessing and every day without her is blessed by my love for her.
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