Wednesday, December 30, 2009

A Year in Review

January: Find out we are having TWINS! My favorite memory: sitting at a sub shop with Brian after our ultrasound, listening to him run through ALL of the things we will have to buy for two babies-in HIGH SCHOOL! He totally skipped the first 15 years of their life and started worrying about prom and class rings and letter jackets.

February: Spent most of this month reading pregnancy books, looking at baby stuff online (especially during my prep time at school-oops!), freaking out about having two babies at once, and in general, just floating along on cloud 9, wondering how my life had gotten so lucky. Got my first maternity clothes and started cleaning out the extra bedroom, which would be a baby room!

March-Had our 20 week ultrasound to find out that we had two perfectly healthy babies, one boy and one girl! Started really picking out names. I had my first real gut feeling that something was really wrong when the DVD they give you of your ultrasound was broken and did not work-twice. I had real worries all along, but after that I started to feel funny. That very day of the ultrasound we drove and bought a Dodge Grand Caravan. After all, our little car can't hold two babies, us, and a very spolied dog! Bought two cribs, two gilders, and a changing table. Painted the nursery "dancing green" and picked a Twinkle Twinkle Little Star theme.
29th: went to bed feeling very uncomfortable. Rolled around like crazy. At 9:40 pm, my water broke. It is actually not at all like it is in the movies. It is a waterfall gushing down your legs. I will never, ever, forget that drive to the hospital.

April: Spend two weeks terrified to move. Pray that the babies will stay put. Pray that there will be no infection. The birth and death of my first two children. Instant depression. I laid in bed, surfing on the internet to find other stories like mine. I made myself shower every day. Barely left the house. Only spoke to my husband and mom for the most part.

May: Quite similar to April. Getting up for a shower each day gets harder. Refuse to go anywhere. Spend the days alone while B goes to work, crying and blogging, reading books about grief. avoiding phone calls.

June: Decide to go to France. Decide not to. Decide to put our house on the market. SO thankful that Brian is home with me now.

July: This month is a blur to me. I remember watching fireworks and bawling my head off. I think I was in sort of a numb state

August: Anxiety sets in about going back to work. Celebrate our 3rd wedding anniversary and try to run away from the babies' due date by going to Las Vegas. First meeting back was horrible.

September: Meet with high risk doctor. Go back to work. Survive.

October: First cycle trying for a new baby. Take a new drug and have a few ultrasounds. October 31st, one year after we conceived Aiden and Sophie, we find out we are pregnant again.

November: Find out it is for sure one baby. 1st anniversary of Rudy's death. Survive. Thanksgiving was horrible.

December: Anxiety for this pregnancy sets in. Feel like no one in real life remembers the twins besides me. Mostly because if people think of us or them they tell us afterward. Which is well-meaning, but a little after the fact. Struggle. Survive.

This is my life. It's so focused on this that I don't remember a single other thing that happened this year. I seriously don't. I know my friends had very important life events, which I have tried to be a part of, but for the most part, I am wrapped up in myself. B is gone tonight, out with friends. I haven't been alone in a very, very long time. He left and I was overtaken by a giant wave of grief. I sobbed and sobbed. Louis tried to lick the tears away as quickly as he could. He always attacks me when I cry :) I know I will never have answers. But I just cannot understand how this happened. How they are not here. How I do the rest of this. How I bring a real, live baby into this world.
Please, please God let me bring a real, live baby into this world.

A year in review: Survival. Desperation. Grief.


Hope's Mama said...

I'm just so glad you survived. Strength in numbers, that's how we do it. Wishing you all your heart desires in 2010.

Tina said...

Oh boy I can relate to so much of this. There was so much joy in the beginning of the year and then it all turned to crap so quickly. That is all I can remember, the very happy times and the very, very sad times. Everything else is a blur. I don't undertand how it all happened eiother for you , for me, for any of us. I wish I could take all the sadness away, and give us only our happy days back.

Marie W said...

I had a similar year. Thinking about and praying for you and the little one. Praying that he/she stays put until at least 37 weeks. Praying for your peace of mind.

Jen said...

different story/timing..same theme..same ending.. praying so hard for a better 2010..

btw, everyone always tells me how they thought about her, and talked about her etc. etc. after posts, but again..after the fact.. I don't get it either.. hugs

margaret said...

I don't know how we survive it either but miraculously, most of us do. The unfortunate reality for us is that we are the ones who remember our angel babies. For some reason most people are afraid to bring them up for fear of upsetting us yet there is nothing that warms my heart more than having my son remembered. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers for a successful pregnancy with a healthy screaming baby at the end of it all...Sending you hugs

Krista said...

Wow- change the months around a bit, take out the minivan, and you have my year in 2008! Time to say goodbye to that horrible year and start a year full of new and wonderful gifts!

Courtney said...

It just amazes me, the women I met who go through the same thing as my husband and I and yet here we are .... surviving. It breaks my heart that we have to survive without our children here.

I wish I could take the pain away dear friend. *hugs*

Just Breathe said...

((HUGS)) I am so sorry.

niobe said...

When you describe your 2009, it sounds an awful lot like my 2006-2007.

You and all your babies are in my thoughts.

Holly said...

I am saying prayers for all the rainbow babies and that they will be ok and meet their mommas and bring them so much joy.

Bluebird said...

Ah. This makes me miss our babies so much. We never bought a caravan. And we went to a Chinese buffet rather than a sub shop :) But otherwise so much of your post is familiar.

My MFM is so thrilled that there's just one baby this time. It hurts my heart every time he mentions it. But he believes it's a large part of the reason things are going well this time, and hopefully will continue to go well. So I remind myself that, in this moment, that is the goal.

((Hugs)) honey. Wishing you a 2010 with more high points and less low. With a real live baby to bring home :) (Although I could insist that our babies were "real", which they were, DH and I use that expression often, too.)