Trust

Last night I wrote my Aunt J. She had her son D at 24 weeks gestation 24 years ago. He is alive and healthy-has some delays and needs some help on a day to day basis, but definitely what you would call thriving. She had him early due to an incompetent cervix. She had the same doctor as I do now. With her second pregnancy, she had her son T at 37 weeks, thanks to a cerclage that Dr. P put in for her. I'm sure that she is fluffing it up a bit, but she basically says, "Eh, they stitched me up and when I was ready, they pulled out that stitch, and bam! Out he came." Heaven knows it is NOT that easy.

Anyway, she not only has (somewhat of) a similar experience to me, but had the same doctor and is one of the smartest people I know. She's actually my husband's aunt, but out of anyone in the family, I relate to her best.

She wrote me an e-mail that made me sob crying. I will copy in my favorite part:

"The trust and whatever you have endured or are going to endure prepares you, teaches you and allows you to carry on for whatever comes next - the trick is to firmly plant that seed, file it, rely on it - know it's there when you need it but don't dwell on the happenings that brought you to that preparedness - take each and every moment of joy that comes and relish it - look forward - not what if - but what is."

I have read these few lines over and over and over today. I want to be there. I want to trust. I need to trust.

But trust in who? In what? Who do you trust in when it seems like everyone has let you down? I recently had an experience where someone, in not so many words, inferred that it was a good thing the twins died because they either would have been very ill or perhaps murderers or in jail-so it's pretty much that God did it to save us agony in the longrun.

Is this helpful? And how do I trust anything then? If that is the case (which I certainly do NOT believe-I couldn't believe that), then what if all my children are future mass murderers?

It is not just this pregnancy that I don't have trust in. I'm so sorry for continuing to go on and on about being pregnant. I know some of you have stopped reading because of it. The thing is, my grief just feels like it's getting worse because of that. I'm having a hard time trusting anything.

"It's not what IF, but what IS."

Can I live be these words? Can I let the what ifs go? Can I let the should've beens go? The could've beens?