Wednesday, December 16, 2009


Last night I wrote my Aunt J. She had her son D at 24 weeks gestation 24 years ago. He is alive and healthy-has some delays and needs some help on a day to day basis, but definitely what you would call thriving. She had him early due to an incompetent cervix. She had the same doctor as I do now. With her second pregnancy, she had her son T at 37 weeks, thanks to a cerclage that Dr. P put in for her. I'm sure that she is fluffing it up a bit, but she basically says, "Eh, they stitched me up and when I was ready, they pulled out that stitch, and bam! Out he came." Heaven knows it is NOT that easy.
Anyway, she not only has (somewhat of) a similar experience to me, but had the same doctor and is one of the smartest people I know. She's actually my husband's aunt, but out of anyone in the family, I relate to her best.
She wrote me an e-mail that made me sob crying. I will copy in my favorite part:

"The trust and whatever you have endured or are going to endure prepares you, teaches you and allows you to carry on for whatever comes next - the trick is to firmly plant that seed, file it, rely on it - know it's there when you need it but don't dwell on the happenings that brought you to that preparedness - take each and every moment of joy that comes and relish it - look forward - not what if - but what is."

I have read these few lines over and over and over today. I want to be there. I want to trust. I need to trust.

But trust in who? In what? Who do you trust in when it seems like everyone has let you down? I recently had an experience where someone, in not so many words, inferred that it was a good thing the twins died because they either would have been very ill or perhaps murderers or in jail-so it's pretty much that God did it to save us agony in the longrun.

Is this helpful? And how do I trust anything then? If that is the case (which I certainly do NOT believe-I couldn't believe that), then what if all my children are future mass murderers?

It is not just this pregnancy that I don't have trust in. I'm so sorry for continuing to go on and on about being pregnant. I know some of you have stopped reading because of it. The thing is, my grief just feels like it's getting worse because of that. I'm having a hard time trusting anything.

"It's not what IF, but what IS."

Can I live be these words? Can I let the what ifs go? Can I let the should've beens go? The could've beens?


Bree said...

I wish I had the answer or some profound wisdom. But, I'm right there with ya! xoxo

ForeverElliot'sMommy said...

Christy, I can only imagine what you are going through as we are not pregnant again yet...But I have a feeling that EVERYTHING you are feeling is normal...I am actaully preparing myself to feel these feelings if and when I do get pregnant agaain, and let myself feel them and know it's okay. That is the one thing this greif has taught me, no matter what I feel, it's okay to feel that way...No I do not act on some things I feel, or I would be in the looney bin for digging up Elliot a few months ago...
And for someone to even think this world would be better or your children would be better off dead than in your arms is just HORRIFIC! I am so sorry you have pple in YRL that feel this way and actaully express this to you, what an aweful person. They have not been down our road, and God help them if they ever do have to take it!!
Thinking of you lots!! Hang in there!!

Akul's mama said...

What could have been is a dream we all lived..what could have been is something makes us what we are and is very hard to let go. I understand your anxiety and your pain. Hugging you.

Catherine W said...

I know that is what I should do. But I can't. It's just to hard at the moment. Perhaps one day in the future? Your Aunt is very wise.

And as for that stupid comment. Ach. People don't understand. Of course it wasn't for the best that Sophie and Aiden died. I don't think it was. How dare this person presume to think that they can second-guess what the future held for your children. Murderers indeed. What on earth? Or to say that it is better for ill or disabled people to die? Even though I knew G would not have had a healthy life had she survived, I still loved her and I still wanted her. I can't speak for G but I hope she would also have wanted the life that she nearly had.

Holly said...

Oh your aunt. I don't think it was quite that easy (cerclage) like she makes it seems and I had to chuckle at her words.

It's not easy to let those things go. It certainly takes work, especially when your mind goes there a lot but I do believe it is possible eventually.

Christy said...

She sounds like a wise woman and I think you are lucky to have her and her insight. Trying to relish in the "what is" instead of the "what ifs" myself...