My (dis)appointment

This is going to be a jumbled one, and for that I am sorry. Today marks eight months since the babies were born. Each month that passes I tell myself, "This month, this will be the one that I celebrate and honor them instead of crying all day. I can do this. I will look at their photos and rememberance items with love instead of pain." Well, I'll tell ya, this is not the month, either.

Friday I had an appointment with my perinatologist. I was dreading/looking forward to this appointment for 3 weeks. I don't know how much I've mentioned before about my peri. The first time I met him, I was 20 weeks and some change pregnant with the twins. The first thing he said to me was, "11 % of twins in this country are born weighing less than 3 pounds."

The irony was I laughed later on thinking about it. Less than 3 pounds! That's ridiculous. I wonder if I was too cocky? Maybe I needed to be knocked down a notch.

Anyway, he is, what we might call, the "creme de la creme" of doctors. He's widely known, written books, etc. But what I have accepted about him is that his bedside manner is almost non-existent. He is very scientific, very by the book. But he's a genius, and his concentration is pre-term labor.

So, I digress.

We get to the appointment and meet with M, his nurse. M is the first person to speak the word "funeral" to me. I dread seeing her. She tells me that I'm not eating enough. I need more protein. I might be dehydrated. Gotta eat more. Asks me all sorts of questions. Then says, "Well, Dr. P will be in to talk to you and give you a pap smear/exam. Just so you know, I'm thinking you won't be considered high-risk for long and we'll probably graduate you back to your regular OB as long as everything is going normal."

WHAT?

No, I am high-risk. I have two dead babies. That makes me risky, doesn't it? I start panicking.

He comes in. He wants to talk about the "normal pregnancy stuff first."

So, he tells me two things. 1. I don't need to gain ANY weight during this pregnancy. No one will mind if I don't even gain a pound. 2. If I don't want to take my prenatals because they make me sick, I just need to keep taking the folic acid.

So then he gives me a pap smear (which holy CRAP does that hurt way more when you are pregnant) feels my uterus and says, "Feels about 10 weeks. How far along are you?" (10 weeks). Tells me I probably will have some spotting.

Leaves so I can get dressed. Comes back, do I have any questions?

I just said, "I just feel like I should be doing something different this time. I'm scared and I want to know that we're taking precautions."

He said, "Oh, we are doing something VERY different. We are watching over a singleton pregnancy instead of a multiple one. That makes ALL the difference."

And then he leaves.

And I am left to think, what in the world do I do?

Do I try to switch doctors to find someone more caring/who can tend to my severe emotional needs? Do I stay with the "guru", the "big guy."?

So, no ultrasound, no heartbeat, he wants to start measuring cervix at 18 weeks but is "very sure" it was not my cervix, that it was an infection which is a "one time thing."

I'm going totally nuts. I picked a fight with my husband all weekend. Perhaps I need to find a therapist. Perhaps I need to be put in a coma until this is all over.

Tomorrow night is a candlelight ceremony for babies at the hospital. We've had it on the calendar forever. I don't know if I can do it. I feel myself spiraling down, backwards, away from the goal. I've had a draft of an e-mail asking friends if they'll do the march for babies with us sitting in my e-mail for 2 weeks. Why am I not sending it?

Holidays, pregnancy, hormons, emotions, grief. Frustrations at work.

I need to relax. I went and bought a prenatal yoga DVD. Looked up stuff about meditation. Looked into places I can go walk in the winter. Looked into buying a treadmill.

I can do this.

I can do this.

I can do this.