Sunday, December 13, 2009

My (dis)appointment

This is going to be a jumbled one, and for that I am sorry. Today marks eight months since the babies were born. Each month that passes I tell myself, "This month, this will be the one that I celebrate and honor them instead of crying all day. I can do this. I will look at their photos and rememberance items with love instead of pain." Well, I'll tell ya, this is not the month, either.
Friday I had an appointment with my perinatologist. I was dreading/looking forward to this appointment for 3 weeks. I don't know how much I've mentioned before about my peri. The first time I met him, I was 20 weeks and some change pregnant with the twins. The first thing he said to me was, "11 % of twins in this country are born weighing less than 3 pounds."
The irony was I laughed later on thinking about it. Less than 3 pounds! That's ridiculous. I wonder if I was too cocky? Maybe I needed to be knocked down a notch.
Anyway, he is, what we might call, the "creme de la creme" of doctors. He's widely known, written books, etc. But what I have accepted about him is that his bedside manner is almost non-existent. He is very scientific, very by the book. But he's a genius, and his concentration is pre-term labor.
So, I digress.
We get to the appointment and meet with M, his nurse. M is the first person to speak the word "funeral" to me. I dread seeing her. She tells me that I'm not eating enough. I need more protein. I might be dehydrated. Gotta eat more. Asks me all sorts of questions. Then says, "Well, Dr. P will be in to talk to you and give you a pap smear/exam. Just so you know, I'm thinking you won't be considered high-risk for long and we'll probably graduate you back to your regular OB as long as everything is going normal."
No, I am high-risk. I have two dead babies. That makes me risky, doesn't it? I start panicking.
He comes in. He wants to talk about the "normal pregnancy stuff first."
So, he tells me two things. 1. I don't need to gain ANY weight during this pregnancy. No one will mind if I don't even gain a pound. 2. If I don't want to take my prenatals because they make me sick, I just need to keep taking the folic acid.
So then he gives me a pap smear (which holy CRAP does that hurt way more when you are pregnant) feels my uterus and says, "Feels about 10 weeks. How far along are you?" (10 weeks). Tells me I probably will have some spotting.
Leaves so I can get dressed. Comes back, do I have any questions?
I just said, "I just feel like I should be doing something different this time. I'm scared and I want to know that we're taking precautions."
He said, "Oh, we are doing something VERY different. We are watching over a singleton pregnancy instead of a multiple one. That makes ALL the difference."
And then he leaves.
And I am left to think, what in the world do I do?
Do I try to switch doctors to find someone more caring/who can tend to my severe emotional needs? Do I stay with the "guru", the "big guy."?
So, no ultrasound, no heartbeat, he wants to start measuring cervix at 18 weeks but is "very sure" it was not my cervix, that it was an infection which is a "one time thing."
I'm going totally nuts. I picked a fight with my husband all weekend. Perhaps I need to find a therapist. Perhaps I need to be put in a coma until this is all over.
Tomorrow night is a candlelight ceremony for babies at the hospital. We've had it on the calendar forever. I don't know if I can do it. I feel myself spiraling down, backwards, away from the goal. I've had a draft of an e-mail asking friends if they'll do the march for babies with us sitting in my e-mail for 2 weeks. Why am I not sending it?
Holidays, pregnancy, hormons, emotions, grief. Frustrations at work.
I need to relax. I went and bought a prenatal yoga DVD. Looked up stuff about meditation. Looked into places I can go walk in the winter. Looked into buying a treadmill.
I can do this.
I can do this.
I can do this.


Courtney said...

Although I am not in your shoes yet, (pregnancy after loss) I can only imagine the rollercoaster of emotions you are going through. They had a holiday memorial ceremony at our hospital where we had the boys ... we just could not go. Instead we are having a small and intimate ceremony on their 1 year angelversary in January with family and friends.

Oh my dear friend, I wish you nothing but peace for the upcoming holidays and months of your pregnancy.

In regards to your Dr, that is a big decision .. with me, I thankfully have a peri who has both excellent bed side manner as well as being a guru. I could not imagine going into our next pregnancy without someone who will comfort my husband and I, but thats just me. I wish you all the best in your decision!


Bree said...

You can do this! I disliked my peri very much when I met him a few weeks ago. Same thing, doom and gloom. But, I knew he was the best. He was actually better the next time I saw him. So who knows how he'll act next time. I'm actually seeing my OB and the peri at the same time. I love my OB. She is the one who codles me. She actually came to assist with my cerclage and invited me to come by her office today for a check up. Is it possible for you to see both, too? I think it would be nice to stay in touch with the top guy, but you need and deserve someone who will listen to and console you along the way. That's not too much to ask.
I've been fussing about the weight thing too. I'm 13 weeks and feel like I'm losing weight. I might actually start some protein shakes.
Please be careful with the exercising. It worries me a bit. If you do have IC, it could be too much for you.

ForeverElliot'sMommy said...

I have to tell you just because the Doc is a genius, doesn't mean he doesn't have to have a good bedside manner...I had a singleton, and they think that an infection caused my early delivery too. My OB sent me to a Peri at OSU. Course I googled him before I went...He is wonderful, took so much time to talk to me about the risks of getting pregnant again and has a plan already in place with my regular OB...I will be giving a cleansing round of anti biotics in a few weerks before we start TTC, a round at 23 and 26 weeks, just to be safe, I will be tested often for the infection..I will be checked every week with the US to make sure my cervix isn't shortening, one week I will go to my regualr OB and on alternating weeks to the Peri. I will also be given progesterone shots every week starting at 15 weeks.
If I have learned anything from Elliot's death, BE YOUR OWN ADVOCATE!!! If something doesn't feel right, it's probably not. You have every reason in the world be be scared out of your mind, your babies are dead! Your doc needs to listen to you and speak to you until you feel more comfortable, I'm sure being scared throughout will be normal, but YOU DON'T HAVE TO STAND FOR THIS!!
My Peri's nurse even gave me a card with her number and cell on it and said even if I needed to go in once a week to have peace of mind, I could, I am allowed to call them whenever I want to without being brushed off as being paranoid! I don't know about you, but this gives me lots of peace. And I'm sure mine is not the only Peri like this!!
I didn't mean to go on a rampage, but you have every right to feel how you do and to want answers and having a feeling of some peace with this pregnancy.
Thinkging of you!

Tina said...

Brandy is right you do need to be your own advocate, actually you need to be this new little one's advocate. I know it is easier said than done. I think you should try talking and working things out with this dr one more time. Maybe talk to his nurse and let her know of your concerns and worries. If they are not receptive to your emotional state then I would go elsewhere.

As for the service, we went to one last month and it was very difficult, I sobbed through most of the ceremony, but I felt so much better afterwards. I think maybe you should try to go and just know there will be tears and heartache and take lots of tissues!! xx

Just Breathe said...

Wow, that was a hard appointment. I am so sorry that he isn't giving you what you need. I believe you can do this and each pregnancy is different. I will pray for you and your sweet baby asking God to bring this baby to full term. I am sorry that you have to carry so many burdens of worry. ((HUGS))

Missing Kasey said...

You can do it!!!!!!!!!!!
I personally would prefer someone who has a good bedside manner and is a good peri. Have you tried taking your vit at night before you go to bed?
You are pregnant and your hormones are high and you are emotional, scared and everything else. I completely understand! Think positive, I know its hard and much easier said than done! ((hugs))

Krista said...

Highly recommend yoga- that really helped me relax if even just for an hour!

About the DR- I would look into switching if it were me. My MFM didn't know what happened with our twin loss either, but at least they understood my need to make sure nothing happened in my next pg- singleton or not.

Good luck with your decision.

Jayme said...

I took adult chewable gummy vitamins when I was pregnant this last time since I couldn't keep regular prenatals down.

Do you only see the peri? I saw the peri monthly and the regular OB monthly, so that I was seeing someone every two weeks. I could deal with a bad bedside manner when in between I had someone to cater to me. Also being seen every two weeks helped keep me calm.

Nan said...

Hi sweetie - oh my God, I am so sorry I did not read this sooner, I feel horrible that you were treated this way. Obviously this doctor is so high up on his horse that he wont come down, but maybe you need to be SUPER bold and speak up to him. That is, if you must stay with him or feel you cannot leave. There are doctors out there that will give you the full package and you do not have to "settle" for less than average care, physically and mentally! They should be helping to calm your fears not instill them, especially after a loss of your first children! You have nothing else to compare this to except your angels!!! I am so angry for you sorry!!!! Ok, got to calm down....breathe....I just cant believe what some of these doctors get away with. I hope whatever your decision is, that this doctor gets put in his place. There is an online form that you can fill out and send to your doctor - anonymously or by you personally...think about it - it could help to let him know he is an ass!!! Hugs and love, Nan xo

PS thanks for your blog comment the other day - really helps to know we arent alone in this xoxo

Holly said...

This doesn't sit well with me. Bedside manner aside, this dr should be more concerned. If you think you might want a different dr then look into. There are other good drs out there. I'm sorry that they couldn't reassure you more.

Christy said...

This is hard .... I read everyone else's comments , too, and I had a cocky doctor who did not tend to my emotional needs. Then the pregnancy ended in a very traumatic delivery day and then later, the death of my baby. I have learned to be my own advocate and stand up to the doctor, NO MATTER WHO HE IS. YOU have to feel good with your care. If you don't, then this is your intuition telling you to go elsewhere...and you should listen to yourself. I have learned a very important lesson in my loss of Chase....F_CK the DOCTOR. If you question something, then you by all means question it and get a second opinion. I don't care who the doctor thinks HE is and how acclaimed YOU think he is, he IS NOT GOD. Even though he might think it.
I'm sorry, Christy. I don't mean to upset you, but I only decided how I was going to comment after reading every one else's comments. I just think you need to go with your gut. If I would have, I am SURE that my baby boy would be with me. And that is the worst, most guilty feeling in teh world to have. Trust me. I am sending you so many positive thoughts and hugs. When I started reading the post, I thought, yeah! he doesn't think you are high-risk! good for you! But if your emotions are wired and you don't feel good about his care and attention to you, I really think you need to go elsewhere. I had someone tell a mutual friend that they were "really concerned about my care" under the doctor I was using and I really wish I would have listened closer to that warning.
I'm so sorry that you can't be smiling and in a blissful pregnancy like you so completely should be. Thinking of you.