Seriously. My emotions are up and down, swing around. Cry, feel hopeful. Throw a fit, rejoice. Optimism, denial.
You may have noticed the background on my blog changed. This is because I am a basketcase. When I first created this blog, in the horrid, horrid, bleak days surrounding Sophie and Aiden's death, I already had a family blog. I first started writing on there, and then when my close friends were calling to make sure I hadn't slit my wrists, I decided that it wasn't the greatest idea to post my "real" feelings there because, while I was certainly not suicidal, my deep, dark thoughts scared the bejeebers out of them. I guess that's understandable. How could they know?
So, anyway, I wanted to make a new blog, and around the same time I stumbled across Our Own Creation. I could not believe it. I read every single word from every single entry. I couldn't sleep until I had read every bit of the story. I felt so horrible that someone else had a similar experience to me, but so comforted at the same time. I, nervously, wrote the blog owner an e-mail. She more than graciously sent me a long response, which started me off. I began to crave this interaction with people that really understood me.
So then I got nervous that my family would find me, especially if this public blog was linked under the same profile as my private blog. So I created a new blogger account.
In the depths of my grief, for some reason, I chose the log-in name "babylosttimes2."
Ya know, two babies. Twins.
But as time creeped on, because I am a total basketcase, I started getting nervous about that login name. By the time I found out I was pregnant a while ago, I was convinced that my log-in name was going to jinx me. The universe would think I meant that I had lost a baby two separate times.
I realize this is irrational.
But instead, I googled how to change accounts.
So I made a new account "firstname.lastname@example.org" and forwarded everything from that e-mail into a new email.
It took a really. long. time.
Every time someone close to me goes through a tragedy, I wonder if I am their friend because I will go through it, too. I didn't use to think I was the superstitious type, but now I think I might be.
Just what I need!!