Thursday, December 3, 2009

Basketcase.

I am a complete basketcase.
Seriously. My emotions are up and down, swing around. Cry, feel hopeful. Throw a fit, rejoice. Optimism, denial.
You may have noticed the background on my blog changed. This is because I am a basketcase. When I first created this blog, in the horrid, horrid, bleak days surrounding Sophie and Aiden's death, I already had a family blog. I first started writing on there, and then when my close friends were calling to make sure I hadn't slit my wrists, I decided that it wasn't the greatest idea to post my "real" feelings there because, while I was certainly not suicidal, my deep, dark thoughts scared the bejeebers out of them. I guess that's understandable. How could they know?
So, anyway, I wanted to make a new blog, and around the same time I stumbled across Our Own Creation. I could not believe it. I read every single word from every single entry. I couldn't sleep until I had read every bit of the story. I felt so horrible that someone else had a similar experience to me, but so comforted at the same time. I, nervously, wrote the blog owner an e-mail. She more than graciously sent me a long response, which started me off. I began to crave this interaction with people that really understood me.
So then I got nervous that my family would find me, especially if this public blog was linked under the same profile as my private blog. So I created a new blogger account.
In the depths of my grief, for some reason, I chose the log-in name "babylosttimes2."
Ya know, two babies. Twins.
But as time creeped on, because I am a total basketcase, I started getting nervous about that login name. By the time I found out I was pregnant a while ago, I was convinced that my log-in name was going to jinx me. The universe would think I meant that I had lost a baby two separate times.
I realize this is irrational.
But instead, I googled how to change accounts.
So I made a new account "almostamother@gmail.com" and forwarded everything from that e-mail into a new email.
It took a really. long. time.
Every time someone close to me goes through a tragedy, I wonder if I am their friend because I will go through it, too. I didn't use to think I was the superstitious type, but now I think I might be.
Just what I need!!

12 comments:

Missing Kasey said...

((hugs)) I can say I go through the same emotions, I would venture to guess that they are "normal" I think you need a place to post your real feelings! That is why no one in my "real" life knows that I have a blog... I too think its comforting to talk with someone who has gone through what you have. My husband is very superstitious as well. Sending you lots of positive thoughts and well wishes for this baby.

nan said...

Hi hon. I can honestly say I know how you feel. Some days are harder to get through than others and we muddle through them. Maybe you could create a new private blog like I have but just make sure you ask for all of our email addresses so we can follow you there! It's helpful that I have it private, but I also know I will make it public someday so I feel like I still have to watch my words. If its always private, then no one but invited readers can read it! Good luck sweetie, hope your bean is doing well! Hugs, Nan

JamieW said...

I am so sorry. I have similar feelings of impending further doom. My son started saying "stars" when I was delivering his sleeping brother. That has always meant so much to us but his favorite number is "2" and so he often sees a bunch of stars and says "2 Stars"... you get where I am going with this.

I am sending you positive and calming vibes.

margaret said...

Christy, we're all pulling for you honey. I wish we could give you a guarantee that would make you feel better. Please realize that stress can be harmful and try to do something that will help minimize it if you can. Walking is great for stress, so is meditation or listening to some classical music. Don't fret too much, try and believe. We all want this pregnancy to work out for you so badly. Please know we are all rooting for you and the baby. Hugs

Bree said...

Love the new blog look! I'm very superstitious, too. Always have been, but I actually believe it now.

Tina said...

The new look is GREAT!! The mind does funny things to us. What we know is irrational seems to be perfectly sane in our minds sometimes. Wishing for peace to come your way soon! xx

Akul's mama said...

Lovely blog...very serene colors. After losing Akul I too have become very superstitious. Hugssss

ForeverElliot'sMommy said...

Christy,
I have to tell you, you were the first babyloss mama blog I found. I too stayed up all night reading all of your entries...the whole time I kept thinking, "has she looked into my life or something..." although I didn't have twins, I felt like your blog could have been my own....You gave me the insight and strength to start my blog....
I can only imagine what it'd be like to be pregnant again, I KNOW I'll be such a basketcase!
Here's to hoping your anxiety calms down after bit****
HUGS
Brandy

Catherine W said...

The new blog design is so beautiful. It looks very peaceful to me although I know that isn't how you are feeling at the moment.

It is so hard not to be superstitious isn't it? To question every little thing you do or did, to see if that is the thing that jinxed you.

Hoping and wishing for you and your little one. xo

Kristy said...

I know for me, ever since I lost the boys I am so scared of something happening to my living children, something happening to my husband, something happening to me. I worry about them being taken away from me. I figure, I've been through this twice already, 2 seperate babies, 2 seperate deaths. So why couldn't it happen again? I don't think its being supersitious, I think its part of what happens to our mind, to our soul after such an unthinkable loss.

I too worry about people from my real life finding me. Then some days I want to send everyone I know the link to my blog so they can see that no I am not okay, yes my heart is still broken, that yes I want to hear my babies names, that yes I want them remembered and honoured. That this journey of grief didn't end the day our babies were buried. Instead, that day was the beginning of our new life.

You are never far from my thoughts. xo

Courtney said...

I do love the colors, very peaceful and serene. I truly do know the thoughts and emotions you go through. Sometimes in my mind they can honestly become incredibly overwhelming.

Wishing you peace : mind, body and soul.

*hugs*

Holly said...

I've read many a entry on babylost blogs and I felt quite connected. Everybody and their brother knows about my blog (of course overexaggerating...just a little) so I don't alway sgo into all the details on some things but that's why I'm glad I created an email account that is separate from me and my DH's joint email so that I can email babylost moms and vent when I feel like I can't post on my blog.