All over the place

Oh my gosh, you guys. I am SO all over the place. I am just seriously so...I don't even know. These holidays were hard. Not anyone, not even my mom brought up Sophie and Aiden. I guess part of this is my fault for having some sort of expectation. At my large family gathering, my grandpa's wife, who only ever talks about her own family, actually got out pictures of her brand new great grandson. That's when I walked out and had a major meltdown outside. I just feel so often like I am battling this all on my own (in real life).

I struggled, like so many of you, with the whole Christmas season approaching. I decided to put up the decorations and go Black Friday shopping like usual, but I also added something new. I made a whole tree just for Sophie and Aiden. Here it is:

A letter S and a letter A at the top:

It felt good, in a way, to have a way to honor them. Now that I know that I will be the only one (besides you all, of course), I should be less disappointed in the future.

So, besides the holidays, I am going crazy with this new pregnancy. I feel so many things all at one. I feel like such a fake. Fake excited. But fake not. Just fake, fake, because I don't even know what it is that I feel (besides terrified, I'm pretty sure about that).

Every day I think something has gone wrong. Haven't felt nauseous in a while, must be over. Or if I don't get up enough in the night, something must be wrong. I am trying so hard. SO hard to stay positive. I have written a few blog posts today that won't be published where I've imagined what my life will be like once this new baby is born, healthy and alive and (hopefully) full term. I sometimes will sneak onto Ba.by Cen.ter and I won't post, but I'll read the forums and pretend like I care about what they care about. "My boobs are so biiiiig!" "How will you announce it on facebook?" (um, I won't). "When should I tell my family?" (I'm thinking...after the baby is born) "Is it too soon to register?" (um, DUH. of course it is too soon-wait until after the baby is at least, oh, born!).

I have to get rid of these toxic thoughts. How do I do it? How do I trust that this time will be ok, and believe that?

I don't know. I feel so lost. And so scared. And I can't talk to anyone in real life about it. My husband is very busy trying to figure out what entry to re-do for his certification (he's decided to try it again-I'm proud of him, but it takes a LOT of time). I think he barely thinks about this pregnancy. My mom is just so excited that she doesn't seem to think I should be worried about anything. See, I am my mom's rainbow baby. She lost my sister, Mary, at full term to stillbirth. So, if anything, I thought she'd be great support. But she's just giddy and joking and just happy and I wish I were there. I wish I could do anything but feel sick when she talks about picking names.

Ugh.

Please, please don't get me wrong-I am so thankful-I have NEVER been so thankful to be expecting again-to have this miracle of life within me. I know, deep down, that it makes me happy and gives me hope. I do not for one second take this for granted. I don't want you to think that I am missing that fact. I just wish I could take this gift and KNOW, fundamentally and permanently, that I will have a living child in 7 months.

Last night, I had a dream for the first time that I was a mom to a new baby. Never once did I dream about that when I was pregnant with the twins. In this dream, I was pouring formula into a bottle and I didn't know how much to put in-I kept asking all these people around me, if you had this baby, how much would you put in? All of the people looked at me funny and then I realized that the baby I had in my arms wasn't the only one. There were two more. I was in a hotel room or something and I was so scared because I had no idea how to be a mom and especially to three babies! Only at some point I realized the other two that I wasn't holding didn't really need to eat. At the last part, my husband came in and said, "Oh! We had the baby! Is it a girl or a boy?" and I was mortified because I didn't even know! So I lifted up their clothes and yelled out, "It's a boy!"

I think some dream analyst would have a hay-day with that dream. Talk about messed up! Yikes. I woke feeling really confused and groggy and at the same time wondering if it was a good sign to have a living baby in a dream.

Well, yeah, like I said. I am all over the place.

Sigh.