I struggled, like so many of you, with the whole Christmas season approaching. I decided to put up the decorations and go Black Friday shopping like usual, but I also added something new. I made a whole tree just for Sophie and Aiden. Here it is:
A letter S and a letter A at the top:
It felt good, in a way, to have a way to honor them. Now that I know that I will be the only one (besides you all, of course), I should be less disappointed in the future.
So, besides the holidays, I am going crazy with this new pregnancy. I feel so many things all at one. I feel like such a fake. Fake excited. But fake not. Just fake, fake, because I don't even know what it is that I feel (besides terrified, I'm pretty sure about that).
Every day I think something has gone wrong. Haven't felt nauseous in a while, must be over. Or if I don't get up enough in the night, something must be wrong. I am trying so hard. SO hard to stay positive. I have written a few blog posts today that won't be published where I've imagined what my life will be like once this new baby is born, healthy and alive and (hopefully) full term. I sometimes will sneak onto Ba.by Cen.ter and I won't post, but I'll read the forums and pretend like I care about what they care about. "My boobs are so biiiiig!" "How will you announce it on facebook?" (um, I won't). "When should I tell my family?" (I'm thinking...after the baby is born) "Is it too soon to register?" (um, DUH. of course it is too soon-wait until after the baby is at least, oh, born!).
I have to get rid of these toxic thoughts. How do I do it? How do I trust that this time will be ok, and believe that?
I don't know. I feel so lost. And so scared. And I can't talk to anyone in real life about it. My husband is very busy trying to figure out what entry to re-do for his certification (he's decided to try it again-I'm proud of him, but it takes a LOT of time). I think he barely thinks about this pregnancy. My mom is just so excited that she doesn't seem to think I should be worried about anything. See, I am my mom's rainbow baby. She lost my sister, Mary, at full term to stillbirth. So, if anything, I thought she'd be great support. But she's just giddy and joking and just happy and I wish I were there. I wish I could do anything but feel sick when she talks about picking names.
Please, please don't get me wrong-I am so thankful-I have NEVER been so thankful to be expecting again-to have this miracle of life within me. I know, deep down, that it makes me happy and gives me hope. I do not for one second take this for granted. I don't want you to think that I am missing that fact. I just wish I could take this gift and KNOW, fundamentally and permanently, that I will have a living child in 7 months.
Last night, I had a dream for the first time that I was a mom to a new baby. Never once did I dream about that when I was pregnant with the twins. In this dream, I was pouring formula into a bottle and I didn't know how much to put in-I kept asking all these people around me, if you had this baby, how much would you put in? All of the people looked at me funny and then I realized that the baby I had in my arms wasn't the only one. There were two more. I was in a hotel room or something and I was so scared because I had no idea how to be a mom and especially to three babies! Only at some point I realized the other two that I wasn't holding didn't really need to eat. At the last part, my husband came in and said, "Oh! We had the baby! Is it a girl or a boy?" and I was mortified because I didn't even know! So I lifted up their clothes and yelled out, "It's a boy!"
I think some dream analyst would have a hay-day with that dream. Talk about messed up! Yikes. I woke feeling really confused and groggy and at the same time wondering if it was a good sign to have a living baby in a dream.
Well, yeah, like I said. I am all over the place.