Aiden and Sophie were born 7 months ago.
How can that be? Just HOW CAN THAT BE?
This is the time of year when I remember that I dislike winter in the midwestern United States. By 5:00 pm it is midnight dark-so pitch black that you feel like it is time to go straight to bed. I come home from work and feel like I should just plain go to sleep. It doesn't help that 1)I am semi-depressed because I come home and feel like I should have SO much to do and instead I have nothing to do and 2) early pregnancy makes you pretty tired.
Next Friday's ultrasound seems like a thousand years away. How much do I hate the word "viable?" Well, as any mom of premature labor, it's all about getting to "viability." Only in this case, we have to see if the pregnancy is "viable" first before you can even get to "viability." It doesn't seem real at all to me that I am even pregnant. I am tired, and super hormonal, and my breasts are sore, and I have headaches, and I get a little queasy here in there. Got that. But it's already so different from how it was with the twins. I was SO sick with them. I was obnoxiously tired. This time I feel like my uterus is already stretching out. Only, maybe that is a bad sign. Who even knows? I only can talk about this with a few other baby-lost mamas-I can't really tell anyone in real life. I could, but I guess I don't really want to. I am afraid I won't get the reaction I want-and the funny part is, I don't even know what reaction I want!
I feel like I just want this so, so badly. Well, duh. I know we all do. We are all begging. Please, please, please. Let us get pregnant. Let us keep that baby. Let that baby's heart continue to beat. Let them stay inside long enough/don't let them stay inside too long. Let the birth go smoothly. Please, please, please. If only it worked, right? The begging? I wish it worked.
It's Friday night, and it's 6:30, and it's so dark and cold and I am already in my pajamas. Blogging. Reading. Going to bed.
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