Friday, November 13, 2009

7 months.

Aiden and Sophie were born 7 months ago.
How can that be? Just HOW CAN THAT BE?

This is the time of year when I remember that I dislike winter in the midwestern United States. By 5:00 pm it is midnight dark-so pitch black that you feel like it is time to go straight to bed. I come home from work and feel like I should just plain go to sleep. It doesn't help that 1)I am semi-depressed because I come home and feel like I should have SO much to do and instead I have nothing to do and 2) early pregnancy makes you pretty tired.

Next Friday's ultrasound seems like a thousand years away. How much do I hate the word "viable?" Well, as any mom of premature labor, it's all about getting to "viability." Only in this case, we have to see if the pregnancy is "viable" first before you can even get to "viability." It doesn't seem real at all to me that I am even pregnant. I am tired, and super hormonal, and my breasts are sore, and I have headaches, and I get a little queasy here in there. Got that. But it's already so different from how it was with the twins. I was SO sick with them. I was obnoxiously tired. This time I feel like my uterus is already stretching out. Only, maybe that is a bad sign. Who even knows? I only can talk about this with a few other baby-lost mamas-I can't really tell anyone in real life. I could, but I guess I don't really want to. I am afraid I won't get the reaction I want-and the funny part is, I don't even know what reaction I want!

I feel like I just want this so, so badly. Well, duh. I know we all do. We are all begging. Please, please, please. Let us get pregnant. Let us keep that baby. Let that baby's heart continue to beat. Let them stay inside long enough/don't let them stay inside too long. Let the birth go smoothly. Please, please, please. If only it worked, right? The begging? I wish it worked.

It's Friday night, and it's 6:30, and it's so dark and cold and I am already in my pajamas. Blogging. Reading. Going to bed.

14 comments:

Courtney said...

*hugs*

Wishing you tons of peace for the upcoming months

Catherine W said...

Wishing the very best for you
Hugs xo

Akul's mama said...

I wish you could get that innocence back..the one you lost when you lost your twins. It would have made everything so much easier. I wish I had that innocence so I could support you better. Hugging you.

Tina said...

I wish the begging would have worked the first time around for us and our twins were here in our arms. Thinking of you and hoping for the best of news on Friday! xx

Just Breathe said...

I am praying for you. ((HUGS))

Holly said...

Thinking of your babies. ♥

I think I've commented to my hubby several times at how it always seems later than what it is b/c it gets dark so early. Feels like I should be in bed when it's only 6pm.

I hope your US goes well and that all looks good. I know the wanting it so badly. It's what I want right now. Praying, begging, crying to get pregnant. Hoping and wishing that when I do that I can bring my baby home.

Once A Mother said...

praying and begging with you...

Jen said...

yes..the begging..if it only worked..:( hopefully the time between now and the US flies by.. and for great news while you have it..hugs!

Bluebird said...

I started joking (but not really!) that I had SAD (seasonal affective disorder, or something) when the time changed - I hate hate hate leaving work and having it be pitch black. I'm like you - incapable of doing anything other than going home and sitting around. . . thinking about everything I need to do!

This pregnancy for me is, physically, so very different than my pregnancy with the twins. I think it's a good thing but, when that's all you know, it's also very surreal. And you may well be stretching already :) You know that whole thing about second pregnancies being larger? Um, yeah. Apparently than can apply even if the first is not full term!

You are so much on my mind honey. Can't wait till that u/s to learn that the first "viable" can be checked off the list :)

Missing Kasey said...

Many hugs and good thoughts going your way.

cowgirltn said...

Wishing you peace and warm jammies on old cold nights.

Julia said...

This time two years ago, I was nine months out, and it was kicking my ass. The early dark is hard, especially your first fall of grieving. This year I feel strange with it, like I am still surprised every evening when it's already dark and it's still only 5:30 or something.

Waiting for ultrasounds is hard. Counting days in X many days until appointment. May this week go quickly for you, and may the news be good when you get to Friday.

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Kristy said...

I spent every day of my pregnancy with L wishing I felt more, wishing I felt less, wishing I could fast forward time, wishing I could freeze time because L was inside and healthy. Its SO hard not to question every ache or pain you do or don't feel. Wondering why you are uncomfortable or wondering why you aren't since you were last time. Every day of pregnancy is about waiting, and for most the waiting is just annoying. For us, its scary. You will get through this, you are strong and brave. xo