Wednesday, November 18, 2009

A re-do

I'm not sure if I've mentioned this before, but I feel often lately that my life is eerily some sort of creepy re-do of last year. 2008-2009 were horrible years for us, obviously. Starting in 2008 because that's when my father-in-law was diagnosed with lung cancer. It went like this:
Nov 2: Rudy dies from complications from lung cancer
Nov 5: Funeral and, oh, right, begin clomid (what was I thinking? obviously I wasn't!)
Nov 21: discover hubby has missed getting his national board teaching certification by less than 10 points (this was a huge deal-we paid a lot of money for the process and he was so proud and we were both SO sure he had passed)
Dec 6: find out we're pregnant
you know the rest just goes downhill from there

Nov 2: one year anniversary of rudy's death
Nov 2: find out we're pregnant
nov 20: yes, on the same day-have ultrasound to check for growth AND receive the scores from the re-do that hubby took to receive his national boards

It feels like my life is on a rewind, back again, screech to a stop, do that over. I am so totally aware that you can't "do over" a pregnancy/a child/a birth, but if I sit back and pretend, I feel like my life is completely repeating itself (in an eery, unwanted way).

So the "what ifs" begin.

What if it's all going to be great this time?
More importantly, what if it's truly a repeat?

I am so beyond nervous for Friday. I have no reason to think it will be anything but good news for the ultrasound, except that alarming statistic about how often a fetus implants and then doesn't grow. Boy, I love statistics.

I am SO beyond nervous for my husband. I can't explain how much I want this for him. This excitement, this pride, this honor. There is no way to get you all to understand what a devoted, hard working teacher he is. It is beyond control how hard he works. I work nowhere near as hard as him. He deserves this so much. He needs it.

Here I go again.

Begging. Who am I begging, exactly?

The Universe? God? Since when are they involved in these small details?

Did I mention that for this retake of the test hubby took he had to turn all of the stuff in exactly during the time that I was in the hospital on bedrest? During the two weeks between the time my water broke and I gave birth. It is burned into my brain. My lying there, watching bad TV and knitting (BEGGING) and Brian working on his laptop, trying to get it done.

It's so much agony. So much pain. So much disappointment.

Too much.

Now it's a do over. What will happen?

What if it's neither. No heartbeat. Fail the test.

Or maybe just one for two? (do I get to pick?)

Could we even get two for two? That seems like a LOT for the universe to hand me.

Have I mentioned that I am nervous.

Praying for peace, for calm, for strength, for patience...


Once A Mother said...

sending you lots of good thoughts that you get a heartbeat and a passed test.

Lea said...

Praying with you, my dear. Does sound eerily familiar. It's only natural to play the 'what it' game... even if it does drive us mental. Will be thinking of you and sending positive vibes on Friday!

Just Breathe said...

Praying for you and sending hugs.

Tina said...

You deserve two for two and let's just hope that is what you get. I am in your corner rooting you both on!!! xx

margaret said...

It's definitely not too much to ask that you get both. I'll keep my fingers crossed that you do. Hugs

Catherine W said...

You definitely deserve both. Thinking of you and sending prayers and thoughts xo

Missing Kasey said...

Sending you lots of positive vibes. Prayers there is a very strong and fast heartbeat and your hubby passes with flying colors! Its not too much to ask, not at all. Big hugs and lots of prayers.

Holly said...

Praying for two of two.

Nan & Mike said...

I think we are doomed to put "what ifs" in the picture for the rest of our lives...Im sorry :( I feel the same way that you do, we are around the same time also. This back and forth with emotions and begging for everything to be ok, its a beast...but Im glad I have you and all of these other lovely ladies to go thru it with - big hugs. Love, nan xo

ForeverElliot'sMommy said...

So I bought a bracelet from the other day. Inscripted on it, "expect a miracle." I find this phrase comforting for some reason...I guess because I too feel that when we TTC again, it's going to be too much to ask God or the Universe for a healthy pregancy this time. Like for some reason I don't deserve it.... I am hoping this phrase will remind me to expect a miracle, not the worst.
I will be praying for your family, your hubby's test scores, your rainbow baby and for you, I hope you will find something that will help you to expected a miracle, not the worst.

cheryllookingforward said...

I hope you get two great pieces of news today. I'm sending you all the good luck vibes I have.

Here from LFCA

Bluebird said...

Oh, honey, don't I know. Different circumstances, of course, but I so understand the feeling of a "re do." For me I think it complicates the emotions of an already difficult situation.

I will be thinking of and praying for you all day today - hoping with all my might that you get your two out of two :)

Let us know asap!

Anonymous said...

I hope you get wonderful news today. Sending you lots of good luck vibes.


Tina said...

Thinking of you today with crossed fingers!

Akul's mama said...

Hugsssssss. Sometimes things do turn out right. You never know.

Mikenjane said...

A lurker from L&F&CA here to wish you the very best. Sometimes the second try works! Keep your nerve and your spirits up!