A re-do

I'm not sure if I've mentioned this before, but I feel often lately that my life is eerily some sort of creepy re-do of last year. 2008-2009 were horrible years for us, obviously. Starting in 2008 because that's when my father-in-law was diagnosed with lung cancer. It went like this:
Nov 2: Rudy dies from complications from lung cancer
Nov 5: Funeral and, oh, right, begin clomid (what was I thinking? obviously I wasn't!)
Nov 21: discover hubby has missed getting his national board teaching certification by less than 10 points (this was a huge deal-we paid a lot of money for the process and he was so proud and we were both SO sure he had passed)
Dec 6: find out we're pregnant
you know the rest just goes downhill from there

Now...
Nov 2: one year anniversary of rudy's death
Nov 2: find out we're pregnant
nov 20: yes, on the same day-have ultrasound to check for growth AND receive the scores from the re-do that hubby took to receive his national boards

It feels like my life is on a rewind, back again, screech to a stop, do that over. I am so totally aware that you can't "do over" a pregnancy/a child/a birth, but if I sit back and pretend, I feel like my life is completely repeating itself (in an eery, unwanted way).

So the "what ifs" begin.

What if it's all going to be great this time?
More importantly, what if it's truly a repeat?

I am so beyond nervous for Friday. I have no reason to think it will be anything but good news for the ultrasound, except that alarming statistic about how often a fetus implants and then doesn't grow. Boy, I love statistics.

I am SO beyond nervous for my husband. I can't explain how much I want this for him. This excitement, this pride, this honor. There is no way to get you all to understand what a devoted, hard working teacher he is. It is beyond control how hard he works. I work nowhere near as hard as him. He deserves this so much. He needs it.

Here I go again.

Begging. Who am I begging, exactly?

The Universe? God? Since when are they involved in these small details?

Did I mention that for this retake of the test hubby took he had to turn all of the stuff in exactly during the time that I was in the hospital on bedrest? During the two weeks between the time my water broke and I gave birth. It is burned into my brain. My lying there, watching bad TV and knitting (BEGGING) and Brian working on his laptop, trying to get it done.

It's so much agony. So much pain. So much disappointment.

Too much.

Now it's a do over. What will happen?

What if it's neither. No heartbeat. Fail the test.

Or maybe just one for two? (do I get to pick?)

Could we even get two for two? That seems like a LOT for the universe to hand me.

Have I mentioned that I am nervous.

Praying for peace, for calm, for strength, for patience...