Thursday I started having a weird feeling in my va-jay-jay area. I called the doc, and the nurse told me that it was probably nothing, but if it persists, take myself to urgent care and have an "infection check."
Well, there you have it.
She said that word.
You know, that one word.
So, I proceeded to freak out.
Which is fruitless, I know.
So New Year's Eve was fine, I tried to ignore it. But the problem was, it wasn't getting worse but it wasn'y getting better either.
So yesterday morning, New Year's Day, I took myself to Urgent Care. B was still sleeping but I thought I'd be fine. And I was, until I sat in the examination room and the doctor came in and then I started sobbing hysterically.
Seriously. Shouldn't have gone alone.
Anyway, I have a urinary tract infection. Got some antibiotics. It's apparently very common in pregnancy. But what is unsaid is that it could have been something like this, unnoticed and untreated, that caused my water to break. It's just an overall feeling of uneasiness that will never go away.
I have had a UTI before. It hurts like HELL. There's burning and that feeling like you have to pee RIGHT THEN or...well, or else. But I had none of this. My vajayjay was just irritated, that's all. It just was a little annoying. Barely any different from everyday.
I also got scolded for being dehydrated, which is hard for me to understand because ALL I do is drink.
AND she wouldn't even get the doppler for me just to hear the heartbeat. How rude.
So today, I am drinking gatorade, and nursing my antibiotics, hoping they don't in turn give me a yeast infection.
I just read Bree's post about anxiety and what people have to say about it. I have had the exact same issues so far. They just will say, "Oh, you need to stop worrying. It will hurt "the baby." Who would say that to someone? Because obviously if we could stop worrying, we would. Duh.
I wish it helped when people say "It's all going to be great this time, you'll see!" Or when they say that my new year is going to be the "best.one.ever."
Because, really, we all want that. BUT we certainly don't know that it's going to happen. And we, more than anyone, know that just because something shitty happens doesn't mean you "deserve" or "earn" something good to happen in return. And bad luck doesn't come in threes-it just might come in FIFTEENS or really, while we're on that-would you really put cancer and death under the category of "bad luck" because I'm thinking bad luck is more like getting a flat tire and the stomach flu on the same day.
I am trying different things. Yoga, meditation. Trying the whole "scheduled worrying time". But it's just not that easy-I'm going back to see the family counselor, just to have someone to talk to (besides you all) who isn't going to just tell me, "It'll all work out this time."
This is hard, yo.
19 hours ago