Saturday, January 2, 2010

ARGH.

Thursday I started having a weird feeling in my va-jay-jay area. I called the doc, and the nurse told me that it was probably nothing, but if it persists, take myself to urgent care and have an "infection check."
Well, there you have it.
She said that word.
You know, that one word.
{infection}
So, I proceeded to freak out.
Which is fruitless, I know.
So New Year's Eve was fine, I tried to ignore it. But the problem was, it wasn't getting worse but it wasn'y getting better either.
So yesterday morning, New Year's Day, I took myself to Urgent Care. B was still sleeping but I thought I'd be fine. And I was, until I sat in the examination room and the doctor came in and then I started sobbing hysterically.
Seriously. Shouldn't have gone alone.
Anyway, I have a urinary tract infection. Got some antibiotics. It's apparently very common in pregnancy. But what is unsaid is that it could have been something like this, unnoticed and untreated, that caused my water to break. It's just an overall feeling of uneasiness that will never go away.
I have had a UTI before. It hurts like HELL. There's burning and that feeling like you have to pee RIGHT THEN or...well, or else. But I had none of this. My vajayjay was just irritated, that's all. It just was a little annoying. Barely any different from everyday.
I also got scolded for being dehydrated, which is hard for me to understand because ALL I do is drink.
AND she wouldn't even get the doppler for me just to hear the heartbeat. How rude.
So today, I am drinking gatorade, and nursing my antibiotics, hoping they don't in turn give me a yeast infection.
I just read Bree's post about anxiety and what people have to say about it. I have had the exact same issues so far. They just will say, "Oh, you need to stop worrying. It will hurt "the baby." Who would say that to someone? Because obviously if we could stop worrying, we would. Duh.
I wish it helped when people say "It's all going to be great this time, you'll see!" Or when they say that my new year is going to be the "best.one.ever."
Because, really, we all want that. BUT we certainly don't know that it's going to happen. And we, more than anyone, know that just because something shitty happens doesn't mean you "deserve" or "earn" something good to happen in return. And bad luck doesn't come in threes-it just might come in FIFTEENS or really, while we're on that-would you really put cancer and death under the category of "bad luck" because I'm thinking bad luck is more like getting a flat tire and the stomach flu on the same day.
I am trying different things. Yoga, meditation. Trying the whole "scheduled worrying time". But it's just not that easy-I'm going back to see the family counselor, just to have someone to talk to (besides you all) who isn't going to just tell me, "It'll all work out this time."
This is hard, yo.

9 comments:

Bree said...

I'm currently on my fourth round of ab since the cerclage. I take probiotics to try to keep yeast infections at bay. Of course, this is just one more thing to worry about, right? Like we didn't have enough anxiety. I feel comforted to know that I'm not the only one going out of my mind. Hang in there!

Marie W said...

Oh no. I am sorry about the UTI. Bree had an awesome suggestion. Lots of probiotics help. Wishing you well.

Jayme said...

It's so hard, isn't it? I just wanted someone to put me into a coma and wake me when it was over.

Lea said...

Oh, I hear you. It's all so overwhelming. So sorry about your UTI.... sucks at the best of times let alone pregnant and paranoid. Take care of yourself. Cranberry juice helps too!

xo

Wendy said...

Understand. Infection caused my water to break too. I'm pregnant again and freak out about everything. Here's to a healthy pregnancy and baby!

Holly said...

Hope the antis help and that you dont get a yeast inf from it. You don't need that too!

Catherine W said...

Oh Christy. How awful. I'm not surprised you freaked out. I'm not a fan of the i word either. I'm sorry they wouldn't get the doppler for you. How mean.

I'm with Lea on the cranberry juice.

Sometimes I wish that bad luck came in finite amounts and we all know that there are no guarantees but I can't help but feel hopeful for you my dear. xo

Just Breathe said...

I wish you didn't have to have the worry, I will pray for your peace of mind. I can't believe she wouldn't let you listen, what don't they get? People really need to feel more and relate more!!

Nan & Mike said...

It seems to never end huh. Why??? I am sorry hon, you dont deserve one ounce of anxiety, no one who is prego after loss deserves that! Hang in there, thinking of you xo N