I had an interesting conversation with a coworker/friend yesterday. She came to my room at lunchtime and said, "Come on. You're having lunch with us. Let's go."
I just kind of looked at her. I tried as quickly as I could to come up with some excuse as to why I couldn't.
I just kinda said, "I think I'll just stay here-maybe tomorrow?"
Since the beginning of the school year, I've been eating lunch at my computer, where I eat and simultaneously read blogs. I just click, click away and sit there by myself.
Maybe it's not healthy, I don't know. Maybe I do know that it's probably not.
But I used to eat in the teacher's lounge with a really, really fun group of ladies. All really super nice-all people who I like to be around. They are funny, and kind, and they care about me. But- BUT- 3 of them just had babies. One in March, one in April, and one in July.
There are two reasons why I feel reluctant to go in. 1. I don't want to sit there, just waiting for someone to slip up and say something that makes me freak out or cry or want to run out, and 2. I really don't want THEM to have to spend their lunchtime with the "broken" person, watching what they say, trying not to slip up in front of me.
I mean, I don't want them to NOT be able to mention their new, beautiful babies. Babies are blessings. Why wouldn't you want to talk about them?
But I don't know if I want to hear it. I don't know if I CAN hear it.
I told this to my friend.
She looked at me and said, "Christy. You can't do this forever. You can't avoid people forever-you're going to have to do this sometime. When you're ready, I'm here for you. I want to eat lunch with you. I miss you! "
I said back-"I know. You're right. Ok, come get me tomorrow and I'll go down with you."
I immediately I wondered if I really agreed with what I had just said. Is she? Is she right?
I mean, I know. I can't avoid people forever. But I sort of want to. But maybe it's not exactly healthy to seclude myself, looking at blogs, and never having any social contact.
It just hurts so. bad. I don't have anything to share. I could talk about my dog or something. How he peed in the bedroom, maybe. But I have nothing. I don't have any tips to share about being a mom, most of the time I have no clue what they are even talking about.
The thing is, they barely mention their babies. Really. I'm sure they talk about the students at school, and what's going on, and the new administrator in our building.
I feel like I should do this. But am I ready? Do I really want to do this?
What if they think that by coming back, I'm ok? What if they equate this with the fact that I am pregnant again? Because I am, I feel a lot better and all of the sudden I come back?
She stayed and ate with me in my room that day. She told me everyone missed me and just wanted to see me!
What if they miss the old me? What if they realize that I'm not the same anymore and wish they would've just left me in my room with my salad and the Internet. What if I immediately start crying?
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