Thursday, January 21, 2010

Am I ready for this?

I had an interesting conversation with a coworker/friend yesterday. She came to my room at lunchtime and said, "Come on. You're having lunch with us. Let's go."
I just kind of looked at her. I tried as quickly as I could to come up with some excuse as to why I couldn't.
I just kinda said, "I think I'll just stay here-maybe tomorrow?"

Since the beginning of the school year, I've been eating lunch at my computer, where I eat and simultaneously read blogs. I just click, click away and sit there by myself.

Maybe it's not healthy, I don't know. Maybe I do know that it's probably not.

But I used to eat in the teacher's lounge with a really, really fun group of ladies. All really super nice-all people who I like to be around. They are funny, and kind, and they care about me. But- BUT- 3 of them just had babies. One in March, one in April, and one in July.

There are two reasons why I feel reluctant to go in. 1. I don't want to sit there, just waiting for someone to slip up and say something that makes me freak out or cry or want to run out, and 2. I really don't want THEM to have to spend their lunchtime with the "broken" person, watching what they say, trying not to slip up in front of me.

I mean, I don't want them to NOT be able to mention their new, beautiful babies. Babies are blessings. Why wouldn't you want to talk about them?

But I don't know if I want to hear it. I don't know if I CAN hear it.

I told this to my friend.

She looked at me and said, "Christy. You can't do this forever. You can't avoid people forever-you're going to have to do this sometime. When you're ready, I'm here for you. I want to eat lunch with you. I miss you! "

I said back-"I know. You're right. Ok, come get me tomorrow and I'll go down with you."

I immediately I wondered if I really agreed with what I had just said. Is she? Is she right?

I mean, I know. I can't avoid people forever. But I sort of want to. But maybe it's not exactly healthy to seclude myself, looking at blogs, and never having any social contact.

It just hurts so. bad. I don't have anything to share. I could talk about my dog or something. How he peed in the bedroom, maybe. But I have nothing. I don't have any tips to share about being a mom, most of the time I have no clue what they are even talking about.

The thing is, they barely mention their babies. Really. I'm sure they talk about the students at school, and what's going on, and the new administrator in our building.

I feel like I should do this. But am I ready? Do I really want to do this?

What if they think that by coming back, I'm ok? What if they equate this with the fact that I am pregnant again? Because I am, I feel a lot better and all of the sudden I come back?

She stayed and ate with me in my room that day. She told me everyone missed me and just wanted to see me!

What if they miss the old me? What if they realize that I'm not the same anymore and wish they would've just left me in my room with my salad and the Internet. What if I immediately start crying?

15 comments:

Tina said...

Oh Christy I totally understand what you are saying. I do eat in the teacher's lunch room often and sometimes people say things that do bother me. Like our speech path...she has been talking nearly everyday about a retired teacher's daughter who is pregnant and is having complications. She is scheduled for a c-secton in about 4weeks, but she is having contractions now. You know what my thoughts are??? (I know you do!) Big effing deal!!! We are talking a 32ish week gestational age here, what is the need to talk about it and ask for prayers everyday? Sometimes I just want to tell her to shut up!

Okay I know that probably isnt what you were hoping to hear...So here is another side to it. Most days are fine, I can get out of my classroom and have some adult conversations with some people I enjoy being around. Most days, i don't want to leave or cry or get angry, it is just lunch. I think you should give it a try when you are ready and give yourself permission to leave early if it is too hard. I hope that helps!! xx

Hope's Mama said...

How ever you chose to grieve is healthy. You want to sit at your desk and eat lunch and read blog - that's fine. You want to do it for the rest of your working life - that's fine too. You do what YOU want to do. Damn everyone else. Just thougth I should say that!

Kristy said...

You can cry, and should never feel like you need to hold back. This is your life, this is how you are in this moment. If they don't like it, if they can't support you then they aren't your true friends. Do what you are comfortable with. Don't let anyone pressure you in to doing something you aren't ready for. If you need more time, take it. Your friend has never walked in your shoes, its not about you isolating yourself forever. When you are ready, you will take the steps you need to make. I'm sorry there are more people who can understand that. xoxo

Courtney said...

I work from home thankfully but my friends, my old friends from high school have told me things like this. That I need to NOT block them out forever. I am the only one in my group of friends who does NOT have living children. one of my friends had her daughter the SAME day I was in the hospital giving birth to my sons. I have yet to see her and her daughter, I just can't. I cannot bring myself to see these women again and hang out with them and talk baby stuff when my babies are NOT here.

*hugs*

Ashley D said...

I feel like I could have written that post myself. I too avoid friends & co-workers that just had babies. I feel that they have to censor around me so it's just easier to take myself out of that situation to make everyone comfortable.

Lizy said...

Hi Christy,
Its Horrible.... I too stayed in my room for many weeks and read blogs. Especially since the ladies I was due with are still pg and about to pop soon. All they can talk about in the babies. I would too If I was still pregnant... I wish they would censor around me. 2 do the other likes to flaunt it at me. They are all in 1st lunch and I am in second but they overlap. So now I wait a while then go in with the nonpregnant teachers and it helps most days. When I am having a rough day I just stay in my room and blog.... Or sit at my desk and cry... Hugs amiga.

margaret said...

I think you need to do whatever you are ready for and comfortable with. You are the one who has to live with your feelings and if you're not ready yet, don't let others pressure you into doing something that might hurt. It IS nice to know that people care too, your friend was great to sit and eat with you in your room. Whatever you decide, you'll work it out. Hugs

Megan, Willie, Will, and ^MJ^ said...

((HUGS)) I hope that whatever you decide that it's not too much. Good luck and rest easy knowing that your angels are always with you!

Rebuilding Myself said...

It sounds like you have at least one friend there who is ready for whatever you are able to give!

Know that baby steps out are okay, and that if you immediately start crying, that's okay too. True friends will understand ... whatever steps you can take.

At some point, the world will start to think you are okay - and it will be very hard. But know that we will always be here, understanding that you will always miss what should have been.

Be gentle on yourself hon - take the steps you are ready for, and if you aren't read away at lunch instead :)

Megan said...

*hugs*

Akul's mama said...

I shared my pregnancy with one of my colleagues and I have not been able to meet her daughter to date. Her child is now a year old. The day she brought her baby to school so everyone could meet her, I ran away. But I do spend time with her. We talk about Akul and I always talk about Annalise. It hurts, but Annalise is a beautiful baby and I am so glad Tracy has her. Tracy had two miscarriages before Annalise came into a womb, so Annalise is a rainbow baby too. Many times I cry as we talk and Tracy looks at me with kind gentle eyes. I think she gets it.

Missing Kasey said...

((hugs)) You can do it! I know its hard, but sometimes its the anticipation that is worse... I know when I was working our conversations were not very appropriate for an elementary school ;) We were a wild bunch...If things get too hard, pack up early its ok! Whatever you decide, here for you!!! Sending you lots of love and hugs!

nicolle

Catherine W said...

Aw Christy. Do what you are ready for and what you feel comfortable with. Don't rush yourself.

Sounds like you have some lovely friends xo

Bluebird said...

Well, if you do, then you'll give yourself a pat on the back for trying, go back to your room for a while, and try again later :) It will be okay, either way. Honest.

I'm thankful that my "group" at work consists of two guys and one girl who is single. Not too much baby talk there, even though one guy's wife did just recently have their second child! I gave myself so much credit for helping shop for the group gift for the baby - but never even considered actually going to drop it off. I've seen a few photos, and I've seen a 6 month old. . . but I just can't get past the thought that I want the next newborn I see and hold to be my own.

Sorry for rambling :) Point is - do whatever feels right, right then. And it sounds like you have a good friend there to understand, whatever it is.

Holly said...

It might be hard to do but if you feel up to giving it a try then go for it.