Ok, so, what a week this was. And what a day this was. They are changing my schedule (again? yes, again) at school and now because of it they want me to teach four five week classes for the rest of this year. Are they CRAZY? FIVE WEEK LONG CLASSES?
I said, FINE! That's 25 days. I'll photocopy 20 worksheets and then we'll watch the Lion King in French for the last week. If only I could just let up a little-lighten up a little, maybe I'd be more ok with it. But I'm just not.
So sick of it. I really, really need a new job. I just really do. I let it stress me out too much. Going through a high risk pregnancy after a loss should be just about enough for me. We also had parent/teacher conferences, which were horrible. There is another teacher at my school who had a baby right when Aiden and Sophie should have been born. When I see this baby, it makes me tremble with pain. Excruciating pain. That's exactly what they would look like; the things he's doing would be what they would be doing. And once before school started she brought him into a meeting I was in and I literally had to go have a TOTAL breakdown in the office-I was hyperventilating. So I walk into parent/teacher conferences and WHAM. There she is with her baby. Now, my first thought was, what in the world is her baby doing at conferences? So then she walks him around from table to table, and takes him all around the school. I totally want her to have the attention-I want her baby to be loved and I want her to be able to show him off-but just, please, not in a place where I can't get away. Not where I HAVE to be. And maybe with a little warning????? I don't feel comfortable enough to talk to her about this-and I know she doesn't understand. Right after I lost the babies she wrote me an e-mail offering to "share" her son with me. This was amazing and heartfelt, but she just does not understand. And I don't want her to, honestly-no one should have to feel this way.
Then, this morning, a dift colleague came in this morning, and asked how I was. I just said tired, mainly because I was at work late last night because of conferences. And she said, oh, you ARE pregnant.
This just boggles my mind. I haven't really told too many people at wokr. I know they know. They stare at my stomach region. Duh. But to just blurt it out?
So she says, Aren't you excited???? And I said that yes, I am, but it's hard for me. It's hard to be excited sometimes.
"Well, you need to not be, because your'e going to hurt the baby."
Enough said about that. Not the way to start my day.
So then I had a doctor appointment today. I was nervous, as usual, but I was ok. And I was really glad to go because I finished the antibiotics for the urinary tract infection and I still am not feeling better.
So first of all, overall on the doctor front, this was a good visit. We talked more, he was in a MUCH better mood and he really helped to calm my nerves and explain things.
But they took a urine culture and everything came back clean-except there is a still a presence of hematuria-or red blood cells in the urine. They're invisible to me, but they are there, and apparently they've been there since even a month ago. So I have to go see a urologist now (yikes). I just get nervous about this-because I have no idea what to expect and I don't know what could be causing this . What I DO know is there no infection and there is no bacteria. He gave me an internal *SO SO FUN* and then even felt my bladder. When he pushed on it, it burned-so something is there irritating it, but it's not an infection.
Then, came the doppler.
I laid down and he squirted the gel. Asked if I was about 14 weeks, which I am. Before he started he said, "Now, Christy, this could take a while, it's still pretty early."
So he started moving the doppler all around and he kept finding my heartbeat-but no baby heartbeat. I swear, every second that went by, my heart started to pound harder. I just kept looking at B and I could feel my face getting hot.
It felt like eternity, but I bet he tried for 3 or 4 minutes or so.
Then he packed up the doppler and said, "Well, we're gonna have to do a quick ultrasound, I guess, and see what's going on."
He left the room for me to get dressed and I just stared at Brian. I said, over and over, "This cannot be happening. This cannot be happening."
He looked so nervous-and I just did.not.want. to go into that ultrasound room.
We went in and I just kept my mind blank. He turned on the machine and said, "WHOA! Your bladder is really full."
Yeah, great. Thanks.
So, anyway, he squirts more gel and says, "Oh, yep, there's the heartbeat." Shows me that my cervix is long and closed, flicks off the machine and tells me to meet him back in the room.
I really don't remember anything after that. I just stared at the screen. I sometimes go days in denial of this pregnancy. But, I swear, when you see that baby moving around on the screen, you just can't deny. There is a love and a joy and a pride and even if (which it will NOT) the worst happened again, if lightening struck twice, I am still a mother. This goes for all women who have ever been pregnant-who have ever been a foster parent-who have ever had a match for an adoption-who used s surrogate mother-and I need to remember this and keep it in my brain.
My blood pressure is still up from this. It was my worst nightmare. The thing I thought of all month. What will happen if he uses the doppler and we don't hear anything. And then it seemed like it was happening.
Seriously. I was so scared. I still feel like I'm waiting to fall off that cliff---
BUT I am ok. And we're making it through. And grieving is getting harder as we inch closer to the year mark (it will be 9 months on Wednesday) but we are surviving. And we have SO much to be thankful for right now. There is a baby growing inside of me, and he/she is doing just fine, and I'm going to be ok, even if my bladder falls out :)
Phew. That was a long one. If your'e still here, thank you :)
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