Saturday, January 16, 2010

Barnes and Noble

Last night I walked around this store for 30 minutes.
The whole time I held a book of baby names.
Then as I left, I set it back on the shelf.

My maternity clothes are still in the rubbermaid tub. If I dig through them that way and don't take them out, it'll be really easy for me to store them away (hide them) again. If I don't buy any books...if I don't make a single to-do list, then there will be nothing for me to have to put away (hide) again.
If I don't come up with a name, there will be nothing for me to doodle when I'm talking on the phone, thus there won't be a paper trail.

This year, my calendar is online. You see, I won't be able to come across scheduled doctor appointments and classes because they can all be deleted by someone else and are all in one place.

I have dreams where I am standing, in the baby section of a store-debating. Should I buy this? It's on such a great sale. I had one the other night where I was in Paris in this neighborhood that I've certainly never been to, and there was a big with French writing on it that I thought was so adorable. In my dream I knew that it would be my only chance to get it. But I wrestled with myself. Should I let myself buy it? In the end I woke up and bought nothing.

I am just so, so scared.

9 comments:

Tina said...

Me too Christy. I totally get it. This pregnancy is just so different from any of my others. I wish I were naive and could carelessly buy whatever and plan it all, but I just can't. I didn't even know my due date or how many weeks along I was until about 2 weeks ago. Big sigh...and hugs. xx

Bree said...

Same here. This time around, the u/s pics are in a drawer in my nightstand. I didn't sign up for any online week by week updates. No calendar. No purchases. People keep wanting to give me stuff- like cribs. Heck no! I feel like I'm waiting to start living. My goal is 28 weeks- 3/26. Being where I'm at now- so close to when I lost her, is Hell.

Kristy said...

It IS scary, everything you do or everything you want to do you hesitate on. I've said it before, all you can do is enjoy the mooment. Don't let this pregnancy go by without enjoying. No matter what the outcome is, good or bad you will regret it. I know from experience this journey is long and tedious. Its hard, its scary, its nervewracking, and at moments its exciting. Live in the moments, live in the hapiness you feel when you hear babies heartbeat, see baby on an ultrasound. Just let yourself be happy. Its hard, you know I know this first hand. But its a magical time, even through the fear. There IS a baby, a miracle inside of you. xoxo

Missing Kasey said...

((hugs)) I agree with Kristy. I too am scared to death,but want to also have faith that she will come home and she will be healthy!! Try and enjoy your miracle as hard as it is it is so worth it!!

Catherine W said...

I wish I could take the fear away for you Christy. I know I can't really understand but I'm thinking of you and I'm sending hugs through the computer screen (if that doesn't freak you out too much!)

Carol said...

I am so sorry you have to go through this. I wish I could say the right thing, like it will get better with time, but I really don't know. I only do know that it is ok to talk and to cry and to feel and to grieve and to remember. Blessing to you. Lean on God. He will always be with you.

Bluebird said...

Thinking of you, honey. I totally understand.

Akul's mama said...

I understand. If I ever try again, I will hide the fact that I am pregnant even from myself. Then I will not have to call people and tell them that I lost my child and then people will not avoid being around me or looking at me ...I will buy nothing ...we have closets full of Akul's stuff anyway. Many many hugsss and lots of luck.

Holly said...

It is scary, not knowing what could happen. ((hug))