Monday, January 25, 2010

Clueless? Ignorant? Blind?

I feel ok.

I feel ok. I am 16 weeks and some change. I feel completely fine. My nausea is gone. I'm not having headaches. I'm not all that tired. I have no itching or unusual discharge (I mean unusually unusual), I have no pains, cramping, blood.

I'm starting to feel little tiny swishy swishy movements. They come really early in the morning or right before bed.

I don't feel any pressure. I don't feel any pain. I feel like I'm carrying much higher than I did with the twins-I don't know if that's necessarily true, but it just feels so different.

So, all I can wonder is, what am I missing? Because last time I certainly didn't "know" anything was wrong.

But, if I wanted to be honest, I wondered. But it was my first pregnancy, and it was twins, so how was I to know? Was I clueless? Just dumb?

And now, am I blind? Am I turning my eye to something that I should be seeing? Is there something I should be noticing and telling my doctor about? Is it there and I just don't want to notice?

This time there is a 5 week wait between doctor appointments. I read a lot of other blogs and there are a few of my people that are pregnant again, around the same gestation as me. I read that they are getting cerclages, and ultrasounds, and medicine, and lots of doctor appointments.

Please don't misunderstand. It's not like I want a cerclage. I don't want all of this stuff if I don't need it. I'm trying to trust my doctor and my second opinion.

What happened was a "fluke." But since they can't tell me exactly WHAT happened, I would like to know how they know that.
I would like to know how I just get treated like a normal pregnancy this time. Starting at 18 weeks my doctor said I would get transvaginal ultrasounds to check my cervix. He is so certain that it is not my cervix. But my next appointment is made for 19 weeks because I'm having the anatomy ultrasound at the same time.

I'm not positive, but I'm guessing that it is like this for whatever kind of loss you had. If your precious child was stillborn, you are constantly wondering if their heart is beating. For me, my water broke early. Whenever I cough, or sneeze, or roll over in bed, I brace myself. I get ready for that horrible popping sound (the doctor says you can't hear it, but I have a distinct memory of that sound so whatever) that feeling of water gushing down your legs. I have yelled at my husband for driving too fast in the car going over a bump. I mean, going over a bump? Come on-a bump isn't going to make your water break.
Or is it?

I have nightmares. Ones where I peek into the toilet and see my mucous plug and realize it's too late. Nightmares with lots of blood-which is weird because I haven't had (knock on wood) a drop of blood in either pregnancy. Even in my water breaking and for the two weeks after where I leaked I didn't see any blood.

I think a lot about those two weeks I spent on bedrest, after my water broke on baby A (Sophie). There was a prayer I said every night. I was fighting for hours, minutes. I just needed to make it to 23 weeks when my hospital would at least try to save them. I couldn't stop crying and people were saying " You have to be strong, it's not good for the babies."
Right, I'm laying here knowing my babies are dying and you're telling me not to cry?

I am so anxious. I feel as though time is literally standing still. I got new students today as its the beginning of a new semester. I had some students mention that they had French class at the end of last year when I was gone and they joked about how they didn't learn anything at all. There's some guilt in that, of course-there's a lot of guilt in education, I think. Anyway, all I could think was -Oh, what if I leave these kids again. What if I'm out again because another baby dies. They will be so disappointed and they won't learn.

Ok, now, let's get realistic here. If they don't learn any French in middle school, it's going to be OK. Really. They will live. For real.

But it's how my brain works. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I'm trying so hard to focus on teaching myself to relax. But I'm scared of everything. I love warm baths and they are so relaxing but I've read that if you are dilating at all, it could cause infection. I'm scared to exercise. I'm scared to not exercise.

This is so ridiculously hard. Please tell me that what I'm feeling is normal. That I'm not going crazy.


Bree said...

I hear you on all of this. Even on the school stuff. I have guilt leaving my students, too. I guess that makes us good teachers. This is a crazy process. I wish I had something to say that would help. Just know you're not alone. Talk soon!

withoutmypunkin said...

I too can relate... my kids didn't learn anything I can guarantee that. You too are not alone and I hope that you will have a beautiful baby in your arms. ((hugs))


Courtney said...

I am VERY early in my pregnancy and already I am going crazy with every twinge, cramp, leakage, headache EVERYTHING. Ahhhh. I honestly do not know how many appointments we will get but if I feel uncomfortable with ANYTHING you better believe I will DEMAND an appointment lol.

Wishing you peace dear friend.


Rachel said...

Yep, you are normal. From being there where you are now I think waiting until you are 19 weeks should be fine. Incompetent cervixes normally start to show up around then so it should be caught in time "if" something happens. However, I really feel in my gut that it will be fine. If it still bothers you (which I am sure it will) can you take a week off and put yourself on bedrest during week 18. Bedrest is a wonderful thing for cervixes. Just a thought. I am hoping for a very long, uneventful pregnancy for you. :)

Akul's mama said...

I am sure it is normal to worry worry worry. Hope your beautiful healthy baby is in your arms on his/her due date and has a very full and healthy life.

ForeverElliot'sMommy said...

I can still remember the sound of my water breaking, and now it's like nails on a chalkboard. And I'm not pregnant again, but trying to use the restroom is a chore for me, that's when my water broke, I hold it until I'm ready to go in my pants just because of anxiety, and I'm not even pregnant, but I can totally relate there. I hope your anxiety gets better and I pray that your doctor would do more to at least try to help calm your nerves. And about the kiddies, not to worry. I had an excellent latin teacher in High School, I was even the Latin Club Vice President and can only remember like 3 things from Latin class!! LOL don't beat yourself up about it, you did what was right for you and your family!

Franchesca Cox said...

I don't know that there is a normal for us, but I can relate to everything you are feeling. Even the teacher stuff. My baby is due the last week of school and I just keep wondering if I will be leaving them sooner than that b/c of bedrest and other complications. What is it like to have a normal pregnancy? I wouldn't know either. I think all your worries are validated by what you have been through. Much love


Catherine W said...

Oh sweetheart, for some reason I'm just crying and crying over this post. I also wonder, I wonder if I missed something. Something that I didn't realise was wrong because it was my first pregnancy and it was twins. Whenever I questioned anything people would say that it was because it was twins.
And if I ever fall pregnant again, I will be in the same boat. The doctors will treat me as a standard pregnancy, no cerclage, no meds, nothing. Yup, not entirely sure what happened but a 'fluke', it won't happen again. Unless it does? I'll just get appointments with a high risk doctor. Again I don't want this stuff if I don't need it but . . .

Please don't feel guilty about the kids in your class. I bet you are a superb teacher and I know how much you care about them. I bet that whatever you can give them right now is heaps more than they get from some teachers.

Hoping that everything continues to go well. Glad you're feeling better and I hope for more of those reassuring swishy movements for you. xo

Just Breathe said...

I know your not alone. I read it on every post of a baby lost mother who is pregnant. ((HUGS))
I will pray for your comfort. How can you not worry, not because something will happen but because of your last experience. I wish I could make this better for you. I look forward to the day your baby comes home with you and the fears will be gone.

Megan said...

*hugs* of course you are going to be scared. That is very normal. However, I wish you didn't have any reason to be scared in the first place. I pray that you will have a beautiful healthy baby in your arms from this pregnancy!

Bluebird said...

Totally, totally and completely normal.

We are not "normal" patients after our experiences and I'm really rather sorry that they're treating you as one. Although I will say this - in my experience, it really does get better with time, especially the further away you get from the gestational age when everything went wrong last time. It really does. And, in my case at least, it's helped me realize that probably much more than we understand was a result of carrying twins. Twins are much more complicated than people realize.

Carrying a single is proving to be a much different experience. But it's hard, like you said, because now we don't know what's normal. And here we thought we knew what was normal last time, right? :)

It will get better honey. And you are totally normal in your feelings.

Once A Mother said...

when you are on the receiving end of a "fluke" it is so hard to ever feel at ease again. sending lots of good thoughts and prayers your way.