Clueless? Ignorant? Blind?

I feel ok.

I feel ok. I am 16 weeks and some change. I feel completely fine. My nausea is gone. I'm not having headaches. I'm not all that tired. I have no itching or unusual discharge (I mean unusually unusual), I have no pains, cramping, blood.

I'm starting to feel little tiny swishy swishy movements. They come really early in the morning or right before bed.

I don't feel any pressure. I don't feel any pain. I feel like I'm carrying much higher than I did with the twins-I don't know if that's necessarily true, but it just feels so different.

So, all I can wonder is, what am I missing? Because last time I certainly didn't "know" anything was wrong.

But, if I wanted to be honest, I wondered. But it was my first pregnancy, and it was twins, so how was I to know? Was I clueless? Just dumb?

And now, am I blind? Am I turning my eye to something that I should be seeing? Is there something I should be noticing and telling my doctor about? Is it there and I just don't want to notice?

This time there is a 5 week wait between doctor appointments. I read a lot of other blogs and there are a few of my people that are pregnant again, around the same gestation as me. I read that they are getting cerclages, and ultrasounds, and medicine, and lots of doctor appointments.

Please don't misunderstand. It's not like I want a cerclage. I don't want all of this stuff if I don't need it. I'm trying to trust my doctor and my second opinion.

What happened was a "fluke." But since they can't tell me exactly WHAT happened, I would like to know how they know that.
I would like to know how I just get treated like a normal pregnancy this time. Starting at 18 weeks my doctor said I would get transvaginal ultrasounds to check my cervix. He is so certain that it is not my cervix. But my next appointment is made for 19 weeks because I'm having the anatomy ultrasound at the same time.

I'm not positive, but I'm guessing that it is like this for whatever kind of loss you had. If your precious child was stillborn, you are constantly wondering if their heart is beating. For me, my water broke early. Whenever I cough, or sneeze, or roll over in bed, I brace myself. I get ready for that horrible popping sound (the doctor says you can't hear it, but I have a distinct memory of that sound so whatever) that feeling of water gushing down your legs. I have yelled at my husband for driving too fast in the car going over a bump. I mean, going over a bump? Come on-a bump isn't going to make your water break.
Or is it?

I have nightmares. Ones where I peek into the toilet and see my mucous plug and realize it's too late. Nightmares with lots of blood-which is weird because I haven't had (knock on wood) a drop of blood in either pregnancy. Even in my water breaking and for the two weeks after where I leaked I didn't see any blood.

I think a lot about those two weeks I spent on bedrest, after my water broke on baby A (Sophie). There was a prayer I said every night. I was fighting for hours, minutes. I just needed to make it to 23 weeks when my hospital would at least try to save them. I couldn't stop crying and people were saying " You have to be strong, it's not good for the babies."
Right, I'm laying here knowing my babies are dying and you're telling me not to cry?

I am so anxious. I feel as though time is literally standing still. I got new students today as its the beginning of a new semester. I had some students mention that they had French class at the end of last year when I was gone and they joked about how they didn't learn anything at all. There's some guilt in that, of course-there's a lot of guilt in education, I think. Anyway, all I could think was -Oh, what if I leave these kids again. What if I'm out again because another baby dies. They will be so disappointed and they won't learn.

Ok, now, let's get realistic here. If they don't learn any French in middle school, it's going to be OK. Really. They will live. For real.

But it's how my brain works. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I'm trying so hard to focus on teaching myself to relax. But I'm scared of everything. I love warm baths and they are so relaxing but I've read that if you are dilating at all, it could cause infection. I'm scared to exercise. I'm scared to not exercise.

This is so ridiculously hard. Please tell me that what I'm feeling is normal. That I'm not going crazy.