Sunday, December 5, 2010

Tears

This week I went back to work. I teach in a middle school. It's a pretty stressful, hectic job. I had been gone for 6 months, since I had the summer off and then 12 weeks of maternity leave with A.
I dreaded the day for so long.

And, seriously, that place has memories. There is a bathroom I can't use-it's where I lost my mucous plug. I have so many painful memories there-and even the happy ones seem to cause me pain. I think of sitting in the teachers lounge having everyone tease me and ask me questions about having TWINS!

The ladies I was pregnant with (there are NINE!) are now starting to get pregnant again. Ya know, to have their babies exactly two years apart (not that there's anything wrong with that, I'm just so jealous!). The office secretary chose my first day back to tell me her son in pregnant with twins.

But it's more than that. It's the holidays. It's just missing them. It's NOT KNOWING THEM. It's the fact that I want to throw a screaming fit where I lay down and stomp my feet and scream and cry and throw things. It's the fact that I have a stocking with their names on it. And they have triple the ornaments on the tree that Avery does. And we took our holiday picture today with two teddy bears instead of two fricking 20 month olds. It's the fact that they are NOT HERE and everyone thinks I'm ok because I have Avery.

And then there are the tears of happiness. Of gratitude. The moments where I'm pinching myself, trying to figure out if this is actually real-that my beautiful daughter is with me and we are going to celebrate her first Christmas.

I had a meltdown at Thanksgiving. Hubby's uncle sits down to dinner, and-no lie-his opener for conversation goes like this:

"So, M (his daughter) loves to baby-sit. She baby-sits all the time. She baby-sits for some twin babies now. There are so many twins being born nowadays, can you believe that? She loves those twins. They are so cute."

Brian: "Not a good subject, M."

Like in the movies, all 14 mouths stop moving, forks clink to the plates. I cry and excuse myself.

What the HECK? Seriously? That's what you're going to try to talk to me about? Although, it was his wife who, while I laid on bedrest before the twins were born, said to me, "Don't worry about it. There will be other pregnancies."

I know this is coming off as bitter, but I think I've been holding it in for a little too long. I am MAD. I am so ANGRY they are not here. That I have this spot in my heart that is so, so empty.

And I am not alright.

And Avery makes my world SUCH a better place-but she can't bring them back.

And that is all. They are not coming back. Never, ever. And sometimes I just.can't.handle.that.

16 comments:

Hope's Mama said...

Seriously. SERIOUSLY!? I can't believe how thick some people can be. I know he would have meant no harm, no one ever does, but it still stings, and especially at a time of year when we're already fragile.
I too am jealous of second pregnancies. And you know what, first pregnancies as well. Oh what the heck, any pregnancy that results in the mum and dad coming home with their baby/ies.
xo

Jill said...

I seem to always have people mentioning twins to me. It always stings a little and sometimes even a lot. Sorry it is so hard for you to go back to school. All the news of pregnancies must be so tough to hear.

rebecca said...

Wow...some people are unbelievable! I'm so sorry you've had such a rough week, people can be so insensitive. Thinking of you and sending love ((hugs))

Lindsey said...

I'm sorry that your husband's uncle said that, it had to be terrible to hear. I have really sad days, too, quite frequently. It was actually one of those really sad days that led me to create my blog. I'm sorry for your loss.

AKD said...

Oh, sweetie - I am so sorry. Those moments when the world stops and their words punch you in the gut... I don't understand how others can be so insensitive.

So much love to you.

butterflymom said...

Wow, that is a lot to go back to at school. I'm so proud of you...you are being very strong in a number of difficult situations. Wishing things were easier...((hugs)0

Tina said...

I know...I'm so sorry. Hugs to you friend. xx

Mirne said...

Oh, people are such FREAKS. Really and truly. I could think of other words to describe them, but some people might be offended. So FREAKS is all I can say.

As for someone telling you "there will be other pregnancies", I wonder if anyone would DARE say such a thing to me today. Oooooh, I almost wish someone would DARE.

Truly, people are just freaks.

Lori said...

I guess in a way, if I am really, really, REALLY honest, I am glad that people are JUST THAT STUPID because it means that they obviously have never had any tragedy even CLOSE to ours and for that, I'm thankful FOR THEM.

But really???? It seems like it is ALWAYS us who have the, "Did you JUST say that for REAL?" look on our faces because we can't believe that people are that insensitive. I mean somethings, NO ONE can get...but some others, they can at least have some idea of.

So, no, I don't think it's too much to expect that people would not talk about all the wonders of twins to YOU at THANKSGIVING. That is just common sense.

You're brave for going back. I shook my head a lot reading this because there are SO MANY memories with my school too...and I'm just grateful that I never had to go back (except for the occasional visit that is on my terms!)...I may have to go back to teaching one day, but just grateful that I won't have to have the memories thrown in my face every day...the call telling me I was pregnant...the shower...all the kids telling Matthew they loved him...my last day, walking out of my classroom thinking my world was going to change FOREVER and I couldn't wait!!!!

Just too hard.

Holding you close to my heart. You are right...Avery is a beautiful, wonderful and amazing blessing...but she can't replace her brother and sister and it's sad that people expect that her life should be responsible for that aspect in yours. She's just precious and fabulous on her own...just like Aiden and Sophie are. They are not interchangeable and having one doesn't mean that you love or miss the others any less.
xoxoxoxoxoxo

Jen said...

wow..what a couple of ASS HATS!! that would piss me off too.. its called tact people, look it up..I am sorry you are having a rough time.. I wish they were here for you too..I wish that it would be easier each holiday. I wish people wouldn't get so damn excited about pregnancy (seriously, I just said that) but I would LOVE to just get pregnant, stay pregnant, have a healthy baby and that is that.. its not an option for me, and for so many others.. people suck, lets dig a hole and bury ourselves in it until January..wanna??

((maybe I shouldn't comment on other blogs today, it seems as though I am a little bitter)

Stephanie said...

OMGosh ~ someone should have thrown a FORK!

iamstacey said...

Wow. I'm so sorry your Thanksgiving was like that. How could that woman ever say something like that to you? Who would think that was an ok thing to say?

iamstacey said...

Wow. I'm so sorry your Thanksgiving was like that. How could that woman ever say something like that to you? Who would think that was an ok thing to say?

Holly said...

It is hard to deal with that they're never coming back. I hate that the time was so short.

I wish there were a way to mute the insensitive things people say

crystal theresa said...

oh, goodness... that is so painful. i'm sorry. it must be so hard to be back at the school. it just adds to to the difficulties of the holidays. ((hugs))

Joanna said...

That sounds sadly so familiar to me. People say the dumbest things!! I try to reason that they don't know any better, that they don't know what to say, that they don't feel the pain as strongly, that they are acting "back to normal"... but then I can't understand why people can't make more of an effort.

A few weeks we had an acquaintance ask us, at a social function, if we "were making babies yet". I was so shocked that I thought I'd pass out. Who the heck are you to even ask something like that? I was also told by a counsellor that we "didn't lose a child per se". All such hurtful things! If they can't say anything positive, then don't say anything at all...an oldie, but a goodie. Wish it was used more. Hugs!!

Joanna
[a new blogger: http://constantly-in-pain.blogspot.com/]