Wednesday, November 24, 2010

You

I have SO much to be thankful for.
Seriously-I am one lucky, lucky person. I'm sitting here, in my warm, beautiful house with my husband who, in my opinion, happens to be the best husband on this Earth (at least for me!), I'm looking at the baby monitor while A sleeps peacefully. I'm full of yummy food. Tomorrow we are packing up to go to B's aunt's house, and then heading to a hotel with a waterpark with my sister and my nephew.
On Monday I go back to my job-a job that I enjoy, that I am good at, that pays me enough to keep my house and my car and buy cute, fun things for A for Christmas.
I have the best mom a person could ever, ever have.

And I sit here, crying.

Because I miss them. Because holidays bring that grief right back-it hardens the edges at first and then soon I am a mess.

I know that people are sad when they have to go back to work after maternity leave. But it is different for me, and I am slowly realizing that what's going on is I always feel like it's going to be the time when I have to say good bye to Avery. I'm still waiting for that other shoe to drop. I'm still just not sure that this happiness is mine. I'm more depressed about it than I should be and I feel guilty and selfish.

Why, when I tell myself over and over that I need to just be happy and thankful for what I DO have, do I still let myself wallow?

Because-no matter what great things happen to me from now on, it doesn't change the fact that Sophie and Aiden are dead. That I will carry this with me forever.

And I am so thankful for them and for everything that I have-I'm so happy. I feel warm and fuzzy.

And yet I feel incomplete.

All of you out there-I have a hunch you know what I mean. So full, but so empty. So happy, but so sad.

And maybe some of you don't have a whole lot to be happy about right now-and I am so sorry. Sometimes these holidays remind us of everything that we are missing.

At any rate, I want you all to know that I'm so thankful for all of you. Thank you for supporting me. For listening, and commenting, and understanding. For reading my journey even when it's hard for you-or makes you feel sad.

Thank you.

11 comments:

crystal theresa said...

thank you for this post. i feel the same way - thankful for what i have, but in tears over what i am missing. blogland has definitely made things less lonely, has made me feel less "alien," and it helps to know that that there others who understand our hearts hold space for both gladness and devastation. ((hugs))

Angie said...

Yep. Yep to all of it. I am full but empty, and happy but sad. With our house being so empty I only wish for my baby boy to be here for his first Thanksgiving. Although, I am grateful for my husband and the home we call our own, I am still so empty.

rebecca said...

I think all of us BLM's know exactly what you mean and although we'll feel joy in this life it will always be tinged with sadness at those we wish were with us to experience it. Thankful for you too & this incredible group of women who help me to know I'm not alone. Love and strength to you my friend.

Hope's Mama said...

I'm thankful for you, too.
xo

Brianna said...

You're right. I know exactly what you mean as I miss O, B and T, while watching G asleep in his swing on his first Thanksgiving. Loving him, but missing my other 3.

Jill said...

I am so thankful for you... Wishing you peace. HUGS!

AKD said...

Oh, sweetie, I totally get this. I was crying earlier today thinking the same thing. We are so blessed to have our angels, but so hurt that they're gone. Sending you love.

Holly said...

So get it! I know we all do!

Michele said...

Oh how I understand those feelings so well... Hugs...

Lori said...

It's that waiting for the other shoe to drop....I'm right there with you...sort of like you are grateful you are happy and able to experience the joy of the blessings in your life--but still suffering from the sorrow---knowing how much it hurts even in the middle of such joy and not wanting for ANYTHING to have any more events bring even close to those feelings again.

I feel like once you truly experience tragedy, you'll always wait for the other shoe to drop because you know it DOES happen and it DOES happen to you.

Praying for some peace for you in this next week and throughout he holiday season. As joyful as it is, it is still so hard.
xoxoxo

iamstacey said...

I'm thankful for you, too!
Don't feel bad about feeling sad. It doesn't mean you're any less grateful for the wonderful things you do have.