Friday, November 5, 2010

I guess I just suck, then.

My friend, who is having the twins, hasn't responded to my e-mail. Which is ok-I told her I needed space in order to get my mind around things. But, to punish myself, I am stalking her, which she doesn't use very much. Anyway, I know she is scared to have twins, and worried about being able to afford it and all that. So this is a post on her wall:

"watched the ultrasounds, super excited! you are in my prayers, just remember God chose you for a reason, and that reason is because you and hubby are great parents and He knows that you will be wonderful parents to these two little ones! He knows He wants you two to raise these Children of God because He knows your hearts and knows you will do an amazing job! love you bunches!"

So, I read this and I am totally offended. And I know I've mentioned before that I definitely do have faith, and I believe in God, and while I am not a typical every-Sunday church goer, I do believe that God is a warm and loving and compassionate God. I believe that I pray to him for strength. And I know that none of us out there have the same beliefs about religion at all-and part of why I'm sometimes hesitant about it and organized religion in general is because I respect everyone's different beliefs and don't at all think that one could possibly be better than another.

But, seriously? If this were true-if we all get pregnant because God knows our hearts and knows we will be great parents-then why do crackheads get pregnant? Why would he create life in someone that will abort it because of whatever circumstance? Why are there a billion kids in foster care? And why did my children DIE?

I am at a hotel right now-I came with my husband to a teaching conference. The other teachers here know our story and I have had a few run ins that I really didn't think I'd have to face anymore.

And one of the biggest ones is at least two people have looked at me so compassionately and said, head tilted, "I am so happy for you." And it's nice to hear, I suppose. But then the look straight in the eye and say, "It all happens for a reason, you know."

And I know some of you all believe that it did/does happen for a reason-and if you believe that, I respect it-and I'm certainly not saying you are wrong. And honestly, I wish I did. I wish I could believe that someday I will find out there was some thing I just didn't know, like they had to die so that something would happen that would save the world or soemthing-maybe it would make me feel better.

But I just don't believe it.

I mean, when you don't get a new job. Perhaps that is a time for "Oh, it all happens for a reason-a better job will come along."


But, anyway. I wasn't expecting it, and on top of the twin news I just feel very off kilter, very weepy, very ready to crack. I go back to work in 24 days and my stomach is tying itself slowly into little knots.

Ups and downs, right? Ups and downs.


Trena said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my twin boys almost 12 weeks ago.

That comment is kind of offensive. So what, we all lost our children because we weren't going to be good parents to them? I don't think so.

I am a religious person, not to the extreme or anything but I do believe in God. but even so...I can't say, "Oh, it happened for a reason." Because what I am thinking is..."What the hell reason could there be for my sons to die?"

I don't know.


stumbull said...

That sucks! It sucks that anyone has to go through losing a child or children. Some people just don't get it. And they say things that they think will make you feel better because they have never been there. And if it were true (about the whole God giving/or taking away your children) then why would he then grant you another child? I wish people could always know what to say and what not to say, le sigh.....

Loumary said...

Hi, I have been reading your blog for a while now. I lost my son 10 weeks after pprom almost 4 months ago. Your post really struck a chord with me.

There is no reason for this to happen to any of us as far as I am concerned. It really is just unfair.

Oh and Facebook is always frustrating me... So many scan photos, so many references to pregnancy, I swear I didn't do that when I was pregnant!

Whittney Tomczyk said...

I lost my son 5 months ago... and when someone tells me "everything happens for a reason" I really just want to punch them in their face. IT just isn't true. I always say back that you can give purpose to a tragedy and live your life in an admirable way because of it... but the tragedy did not happen for that purpose... sometimes, sh** just happens.

crystal theresa said...

i am sending you big, big hugs. even if there is a reason (which i think i believe), it doesn't make it any better and it definitely is not comforting to hear.

Tina said...

Sometime you take the words right from my mouth...that is all I can say. love u!

Catherine W said...

I don't believe that everything happens for a reason. I honestly don't. Personally, I think that's a cop out.

I'm not surprised that comment offended you. What does that person imagine happened in cases like ours then?! God thought, yes these women look like good mothers, I will give them twins. Then he changed his mind?! Saw that we had some terrible flaw that meant we could only raise one child competently?! I don't believe that God works that way myself.

Bit like the argument that used to really p*** me off that J was an answer to prayer. Because my prayers for her sister were obviously substandard?!

I know that some people truly believe these statements and that's fine. Lucky for them in some ways. But I'm with you, I just can't.

Jen said...

I don't know how to respond to the comments about 'it being God's plan' or 'there is a reason for it all' I have learned to control my tongue and am not as snippy as I were, but it being 'gods plan' is bull shit, plain and simple. Gods plan for my baby to suffer, to seize constantly having to be sedated until the sedation meds eventually caused respiratory failure..really? I always heard of God being just, how the hell is that just?
I am not going to lie, sometimes it would be 'easier?'(not sure if that is the right word) and for a long time I felt continually let down looking for reasons.. and it sucks, its not fair, but there is no reason..Life sucks sometimes, sometimes it doesn't so much.. but I want to ninja kick people who say such things to me.. your twins died because life isn't fair, Ella died because life isn't fair...its not because we don't have big enough hearts or because we didn't deserve happiness.. Everyone and there dog has had babies and is having babies, and it kills me to read comments like the one you read.. we all deserved our babies, just as much as any one else..

DeniFay said...

I'm so sorry and I hate that "It happened for a reason". People tell me all the time one day I'll know why. I don't believe that. I don't believe that everyone who has had a child or children since I started trying are better parents than I would be. I don't believe that God intended for my children to die. I do believe firmly that He will bring good about from it, but I don't believe that's His plan! Sending you so much love!

Mirne said...

You are right. Completely.

That FB wall-post was completely offensive. What a bunch of absolute crap.

What you wrote about crackheads and people choosing to abort is completely true.

I used to believe in god but I don't any more. For various obvious reasons.

I wouldn't worry about your friend responding to your email. People who haven't lost a baby simply have no clue. Seriously. Her problem, not yours.

Mirne said...

oh, and one more thing.


AKD said...

That post on their wall is kind of awful - so, people who weren't chosen for twins, or whose twins passed... God didn't like them enough? That's just so... fundamentally wrong.

I am sending you huge hugs, sweetie.

Christa said...

Ugh. So sorry. I'm thinking of you, and totally get what you're saying. I have the same reaction to that FB post, and the sentiment overall of "everything happens for a reason."

Lori said...

I'm sorry that you had to come across that post...certainly, as a Christian, you know that I absolutely believe that there are things that happen on this earth that I will never, never, never understand.

But I also know that God very clearly tells us that His plans for us are for us to prosper and not to harm us...and when those bad things DO happen, it's because of the horrible world in which we live--not because God is playing puppet strings and tearing our hearts apart for some bigger lesson. His plan for us was NOT a broken world...but in giving us the ability to choose things for ourselves, there was no way to maintain perfection and allow free-will at the same time.

Which is all theology and differs from person to person. What DOESN'T differ is that the loss of your child or children is NOT dependent on the type of Christian you are or aren't. My entire church, on a regular basis, constantly tells me that of all the people, they can't believe WE suffered what we did. I always say, "Why not? We're not any more special than the country of Haiti, where people are SO suffering for NO reason. Or Indonesia. Or poor little 13 year-old girls being sold into prostitution sex rings."

Suffering and tragedy is not discriminating. Nor is the ability to be pregnant with and give birth to beautiful babies, when ALL ODDS are against them (the term "Crack Whore Mama" comes to mind.)....

I am sure those people were truly trying to 'comfort' and encourage in the best way they know how...and the intention was well-purposed. But for those of us who know that God loves us (even when we feel SO abandoned) and hurts for us (again, even when we feel like He may have purposed our hurt)...for those of us who know there were no BETTER parents for those sweet little miracles we've lost...we know better.

Sorry I always end up giving a novel in your comments!
Lots of love!!!!

rebecca said...

Ugh, people make some of the stupids comments that are so offensive and show how obviously they have no freaking idea what they're talking about! So sorry you've had to deal wish such insensitivity towards your losses. Thinking of you and sending love ((hugs))