"watched the ultrasounds, super excited! you are in my prayers, just remember God chose you for a reason, and that reason is because you and hubby are great parents and He knows that you will be wonderful parents to these two little ones! He knows He wants you two to raise these Children of God because He knows your hearts and knows you will do an amazing job! love you bunches!"
So, I read this and I am totally offended. And I know I've mentioned before that I definitely do have faith, and I believe in God, and while I am not a typical every-Sunday church goer, I do believe that God is a warm and loving and compassionate God. I believe that I pray to him for strength. And I know that none of us out there have the same beliefs about religion at all-and part of why I'm sometimes hesitant about it and organized religion in general is because I respect everyone's different beliefs and don't at all think that one could possibly be better than another.
But, seriously? If this were true-if we all get pregnant because God knows our hearts and knows we will be great parents-then why do crackheads get pregnant? Why would he create life in someone that will abort it because of whatever circumstance? Why are there a billion kids in foster care? And why did my children DIE?
I am at a hotel right now-I came with my husband to a teaching conference. The other teachers here know our story and I have had a few run ins that I really didn't think I'd have to face anymore.
And one of the biggest ones is at least two people have looked at me so compassionately and said, head tilted, "I am so happy for you." And it's nice to hear, I suppose. But then the look straight in the eye and say, "It all happens for a reason, you know."
And I know some of you all believe that it did/does happen for a reason-and if you believe that, I respect it-and I'm certainly not saying you are wrong. And honestly, I wish I did. I wish I could believe that someday I will find out there was some thing I just didn't know, like they had to die so that something would happen that would save the world or soemthing-maybe it would make me feel better.
But I just don't believe it.
I mean, when you don't get a new job. Perhaps that is a time for "Oh, it all happens for a reason-a better job will come along."
But, anyway. I wasn't expecting it, and on top of the twin news I just feel very off kilter, very weepy, very ready to crack. I go back to work in 24 days and my stomach is tying itself slowly into little knots.
Ups and downs, right? Ups and downs.