Monday, November 1, 2010

My heart hurts.

Can I just say this:
I have two very close friends where I live.
One of them is pregnant, and I've been SO at peace with it-so proud of myself.
At a routine u/s, she found out she is having...
you guessed it-
boy/girl twins.
I can't stop crying. My head is pounding. I cried on the phone when she told me. She cried, too. That's the kind of friend she is. She's been there through it all.
I hate this.
I cried so hard I threw up.
The thought of having to see them-makes me ill. Cute little pink and blue. Twin baby pictures.
I don't know how to do this.
I suck.

I got the call right before we were leaving for the cemetery because it is the 2 year anniversary of when my father-in-law died of cancer.

I thought of them so much yesterday. They would be 18 months old. Trick or Treating in fun costumes.

Of course I am so thankful for A and so glad that she's here and I love her more than anything-just really, really down.

Would love any advice on how to do this-with my friend. Anything you've used mentally to get through?

Bad, bad day.


Bree said...

I'm so glad you could cry openly and be honest with her. I experience the same thing with my best friend after losing Ella. I don't really have any advice other than not to feel ashamed for being sad or upset. Sending lots of love. xo

Melissa said...

My heart breaks along with yours. That must be so difficult. =(

rebecca said...

I'm so sorry, that must have been impossibly hard. I think that fact that you were able to cry with your friend in that moment speaks volumes to the friendship that you share and that somehow you two will navigate these waters in whatever way you find most fitting in each moment. As you know none of us knows what lies ahead, try to take each moment as what it is and approach that particular thing as needed. Sending hope for peace, love, and strength to you & your friend as you find your way through this most recent chapter in your lives.

Jan said...

Well at least she is a friend that understands and is there for you through this too. That is so important that she can understand. God Bless you and Your friend may God protect her and her babies.

DeniFay said...

That is obviously a very strong friendship that she would share with you and feel your pain alongside you! I can't imagine and I'm so sorry you're hurting! I had a friend tell me she was having a girl and used my middle name (which is a family name for me and her) and not bat an eye. The friendship isn't the same, not sure it ever will be!

crystal theresa said...

oh, sweetie, i'm so sorry for how painful this must be for you. i am glad that your friendship is strong enough that you could cry together. just do what you can to take care of yourself and don't force yourself into anything you don't feel ready for. i know your friend will understand. ((hugs))

Jen said...

I am sorry, it is so hard.. I went through the same thing ((a few times actually)) my BFF was bawling when she told me she was pregnant, I cried til I puked and cried myself to sleep that night.. I think it is a very dear friend you have to be considerate of your feelings..((most act like I am insane for being upset)) I honestly don't have any advice, I just keep my distance from the ones that 'get me', even though I have little miss, it hurts the same..I know the same for you..I wish I had something to for now I am sending huge freaking hugs and a special prayer for you tonite..

Tina said...

Oh Christy...I think I would react the same way. Whenever I hear of someone IRL who is pregnant I am always okay with it, but then I ask myself what if she is having twins? I just couldn't deal with having to watch someone elses babies...I just don't know what to say...I am so sorry. Your friend sounds wonderful and I hope she understands just how incredibly hard this is. You do what you have to do to get through this. You need to put yourself first even if that means pulling away from the situation a little. I'm sorry, it's just so unfair. xx

Heba said...

I've lost two babies, a boy and a girl, but a couple years apart. Not too long after I lost my son, my sister became pregnant with twin boys. While she was pregnant I couldn't deal with it very well. Also because it was twins and I know how many people have lost their twins I was so worried. That made me resentful because I felt I had enough stress with my grief for her to go and get pregnant with twins was just so horrible of her (like it was her fault lol). Everything that went through my head was completely irrational, and I knew it, but I couldn't change or reason away the way I felt.

When she had the babies, it happened to be on the day of my daughter's birth/death 5 years earlier, which really made me crazy. I just had to step away at that point and hope she wouldn't take it personally. I saw the babies alot of times, but couldn't bring myself to have anything to do with them or hold them.

Eventually I got used to them though and especially after they got a little bigger and didn't look like newborns anymore. I was able to hold them then, and now they are just my nephews and I love them, no resentment there.

My sister never mentioned anything about my strange behaviour though, I think she knew I would work it out in my own time.

I wish I had some technique to get through, but there isn't anything really. I don't think you should pressure yourself though to be there 100%. It's ok to be there 50% and hopefully your friend will understand.

Catherine W said...

Oh Christy. I dread this happening. I don't know how I would cope with it either, probably cry so hard I throw up too. You don't suck. Or if you do, I'm just as bad. I would react in exactly the same way.

I don't know. As you know I have b/g twin niece and nephew and one of my best friends has b/g twins. I don't know if it helps that they are b/g rather than two girls. It hurt to see them at first but it got easier as I started to see them as just two individuals rather than TWINS. But they were older than my girls, I don't know how I'd handle new born twins. I really don't. So no advice but lots and lots of sympathy. xoxoxo

AKD said...

Oh, sweetie. My heart hurts for you, and for your angel twins. I don't think there really IS a way to do this gracefully, unfortunately. You're honest and open, which is all you can do.


Anonymous said...

Argh, so many reminders in such a short time! It's so sweet of you to remember your friend's baby who died. And to go again to remember your father in law. And then news like that right on the heels of a rough run ... it's just too much.

Jill said...

It is so hard. I think we want to be happy for our friends, but it just stings and hits us so extremely hard. My heart breaks for you and I know this pain. Happy you were able to cry with your friend and express your feelings.

Jewls said...

I clicked on your blog from my sisters. My little nephew died last November. I don't understand child loss at all, but I do understand how hard it is when your friends are pregnant. Me and my husband are infertile, and our son is adopted...all of the children that come to us will be adopted.

Such a hard, hard thing! I hope that this trial will bring you closer to your friend and that her joy can be joy for you as well, and maybe help in your grieving process! Hugs!

Lori said...

I don't have any answers for you either....but wanted to let you know that you aren't alone in feeling like you just don't know how you'll be able to live with such in-your-face reminders...and it's even harder when it's such a good friend and you want nothing but to be happy for them.

About a month after Matthew died, a new family moved into the house two doors down. I saw them taking a baby carrier in. I told John, 'I bet it's a boy. And he was just born. And I'll get to watch HIM grow up and play in these woods and run around instead of Matthew."

Sure enough, he was a boy, born about a month after Matthew died (he was a newborn as they moved in) and when they came down the driveway the other night to trick-or-treat, I thought I'd throw up. He was wearing, of course, a little monkey costume. His sister (about 3) kept poking my stomach saying, "What's in there? A baby's in there?" and I tried, tried, tried to smile and not cry..."Yes, a baby boy like your baby brother!"

It stunk. And I think it always will...and I hardly even know them, so I can only imagine how it will be with your friend...but sending you love and strength!

Susan said...

Just blogging around this afternoon and found your blog. I read alot of blogs, it's fun, some make you laugh, some inspire you. But last night I came across the first one that actually made me cry. My husband is 20 year retired Air Force, so I was reading military wives blogs. Now for the one that bought some tears. And keep in mind I am 60 years old and I have emphysema and panic disorder, not much makes me cry at this stage in my life. Since my diagnosis, when I see the sun shining through the window each morning, I think God gave me another day to do with whatever I please.
But this blog I found tears running down my face. A 23 year old beautiful young girl had a blog, complete with her wedding pictures to her marine, and one of her sitting there receiving the American Flag all folded up. Her 26 year old husband died on his first deployment to Afhganistan. There was one picture of him kissing her belly, ( her very pregnant belly), right before he boarded his plane. She had pictures also of her beautiful little girl. I found tears running down my face.
I can tell you are very sad, and my heart goes out to you, my fellow blogger. So I will tell you what I did her last night. When I was just a mere 21, I met a young man and his wife at a chicken festival here in Dover Delaware. I had a little baby (my first in a stroller). The lady handed me a card which on one side had a picture of her family. Her, her husband, their 2 sons and their baby daughter which was the same age as my little boy in the stroller. On the other side of the card was her recipe for fried chicken. It was the first time my husband and I voted, we voted for him and he won, the race for United States senate.
Shortly afterwards, one evening I heard on the evening news how this young senator elect's wife was out getting a Christmas tree with her three children was struck by a tractor trailer and his wife and baby daughter were killed. If you google Joseph Biden, you will read articles of his journey, and it was a tearful journey. Yes, our own vice president. It tells you how he temporily lost his faith, had to raise two little boys hiself, and the long journey to fell better again.
He felt that his departed wife sent him someone to love him and heal his pain.
Also sometimes time is needed to heal those wounds. I will be praying for you.