Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Signs and Symbols

So. I have always been a little envious of other loss mamas who see signs/symbols that either remind them of their little one or perhaps even feel a communication through this sign. Butterflies, ladybugs, dragonflies, etc.
I have desperately wanted to dream of Aiden and Sophie.
I have tried so hard to open my eyes nice and wide to look around to see any possible way that they are in my life (in a symbol/form).
When we came home from the hospital empty handed, it was the beginning of Spring here in the midwest. It seemed as though each time I would go outside, there were two robins in my yard. I kept telling myself it was the twins, watching out for me. I would get so excited when I would see 2. I would scream with glee and call my husband out if they came to sit on the railing of the deck.

But, the thing is, a lot of times there were actually 3, and I just ignored one. I'd look out and convince myself that there were 2, and one had just flown away.

I don't know. I guess I just wanted so bad for it to feel like a sign.

On the other hand, and I know for some people they just don't understand, but I am completely arachnophobic. Not like, I jump if I see one and use the vacuum to suck it up. But-completely frozen in place, can't move, lose control and can't even go close enough to the spider in order to suck it up with the vacuum.

I mean, the definition of a phobia is an irrational fear of something. So, duh, I get it. It's not rational.

But I have always felt like seeing spiders is like impending doom. I feel like they mean something bad is going to happen. In reality-spiders come in when it's going to rain, when the weather changes, etc.

I also have nightmares. It's almost always the same one-in my dream I'm asleep in bed and the spider is hanging from it's web from the ceiling, twirling down toward my face.

Now-and this is funny looking back, in fact I lose myself in giggles when I tell the story in real life-but I actually gave my husband a bloody nose during one of these dreams. In my sleep, I was so scared of the spider, that I grabbed a pillow and swung it from one side of me to the other, and whacked my husband HARD in the nose with my fist. Yikes!

Anyway, yesterday I was sitting on the floor playing with the baby, and a giant (for me-I know there are bigger) spider crawled ACROSS MY HAND. Normal people might be a little grossed out. I screamed and almost dropped A, she started crying because she was scared (which made me feel quite bad) and I went up against the wall. The carpet in my basement is dark and a little long and I need to find that spider!!! I needed it to be dead. I couldn't find it, and Brian was still at work, and I just started crying in hysterics.

I feel like a moron even typing this. I know it must sound so stupid.

But it shakes me up. I wonder to myself---what is coming???

I guess I just feel like the symbolism in my life is negative, and I'm wishing for more positive symbols.

I guess, really, I just keep waiting for that other shoe to drop. I would like to come to some acceptance that A is here to (hopefully) stay. See, I still can't even write it. A is alive. She is here. She is staying. Will it always feel like saying/writing that is some sort of challenge to the Universe-I feel like I am mocking, daring. I just want to believe it. I want to know it.


Tiffany said...

first, while I dont have the same fear of spiders, I dont think you are ridiculous.

Second I wanted to share what I found about the symbolism behind spiders if you believe in this stuff. So according to this, its not a sign that something bad will or may happen.

As for the robins, here is what that same site had to say about them. I hope maybe this gave you a little more comfort. I honestly dont think its a bad thing that there are 3 robins or maybe 1 or any different number than 2. Yes you have two babies but perhaps these signs work a little differently. Maybe when there is 3 its both your babies and a fellow BLMs baby too visiting??? I know a mama who recently did a sky lantern release and as soon as she released it the photos she took afterwards had orbs. Now she only has 1 baby that passed but I think maybe its a possibility more than just one were there at this memorial... I mean, it is a thought. Anyway, I hope you find some comfort in this. Hugs.

Michele said...

It doesnt sound nuts- at all. It is hard, even now, a year plus since Bobby and Maya were born. I still have to remind myself that they are alive and okay... That they will be... To just try to relax. But it is hard. Every day is a struggle.


DeniFay said...

I just wanted to say that I hate spider too, like seriously, can't stand them. Freak out when I see them, even stomp them in my flowerbeds! I had a nightmare when I was a child that they were crawling all over me and when my mom came to get me I thought she was a giant spider--ughhh! I sympathize.

I think lots of things symbolize our children, anything really that reminds us of the joy that they brought, no matter how brief, is a great sign. When I lost my first baby, I was devastated and didn't know how to react. My friend came over and took me shopping, I love shoes, and on the sale rack we found these fabulous heels that were Jessica Simpson and the style was, Layla! Hubby and I had discussed that name, and I knew it was a sign! So, I wear them anytime I want to think of her (heavens knows what I'll do when they wear out one day!).

Jen said...

I feel like I am always looking for 'signs' and 99% of the time I find nothing. and the other times, I think I too make more of it than what it is. I think when we need them the most is when we get our 'signs'..I think of you any time I see 2 of something, 2 rainbows, butterflies..maybe I will start having my camera ready to send to you! :)
yeah I hate spiders too, and I hate that I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop.. I like to think it will one day get easier..things will look up and 'stay up'.. anyway, hugs friend! I hope you are having a wonderful day with sweet little A :) xoxo

Catherine W said...

I don't see any signs either although I sometimes wish I did.

I hate, hate, hate spiders. The night I went into labour with the twins, I was in the bath and a massive spider crawled across the floor. When we finally came back from the hospital, about two weeks later, it had drowned in a bath full of water I never pulled the plug out of.

In the NICU a big spider crawled past J's incubator and the nurses were going hysterical and my husband was trying to catch it. All I could think was, "it's the same spider and I am doomed" even though that makes no sense. It obviously wasn't the same one. The original spider was very dead by that point!

So you don't sound stupid to me. Welcome to the 'spider-fearing-possible-morons' club. xo

AKD said...

I TOTALLY get this. I keep having these horrible visions of Alice having something wrong, of me doing something horrible like accidentally breaking her neck... it's horrifying.

I read that losing a child is the same level of psychological trauma as being in the Holocaust. I think that's very telling.