Tuesday, October 12, 2010


Things have been going overall pretty well around here! My maternity leave is going by so quickly-but I can't complain because I got so much extra seeing as how I'm a teacher and Avery was born in the summer. We took some pictures on Sunday since she turned THREE MONTHS old!!!

Otherwise, we have been staying busy. I've been having some crabby, hormonal issues with going back on bcp and menstruating and all that fabulous fun so I've been a little tense, and quite honestly, sometimes a little depressed. But nothing I can't shake off with a smile from the little one or a nice talk (cry) with the husband.

There is one thing, though, that I can't escape. It's that damn ptsd. I've seen a psychologist for it, as it was the absolute worst during weeks 21-28 in my pregnancy. I did everything I could to change the bedroom at my old house-painted, turned the bed, got all new sheets and bedding, threw away the clock that was on the wall-everything that triggered that moment when my water broke.

But now, I live in a new house, and the stress of the pregnancy is gone, and still sometimes I fall into bed at night, turn over onto my side, and I can hear the pop. I have to stop, and tell myself-this isn't happening. It's over. It's the past. But to some extent the damage is done, and the events start to replay in my mind...the drive to the hospital, that nurse, "Please note that half of the stomach is soft, half is hard."

I can replay the whole thing, event for event. My time on bedrest is sort of blocked out until 2 weeks later when I wake up in labor.

I'm thinking it's time to go and talk to someone about this again, but honestly, for me-it just hasn't helped much. Maybe I just need more? But I talk a lot about it with my husband and certain friends, and write about it here, and honestly, getting to know someone new and paying all that money-I'm not sure it's worth it unless I'm pretty sure it'll make something better.

Could it be the cliche that I just need more time? I'm not sure.

I hope all is well. Sending thoughts up to my friends who are still fighting like mad to get/keep those rainbows. Love to you all. xoxo


rebecca said...

Thank you for stopping by my blog and your kind words, yes it is definitely okay to comment on her blog. I know she would appreciate the outreach and love coming her way from all over the world. Thank you

Holly said...

I'm sorry that you are struggling with PTSD. I'm not sure I could give you any good advice on what to do. I can def understand not wanting to pay the money to see someone if it won't help.

AKD said...

Oh, honey, I totally understand. There are so many times when I replay those moments in my head... It is horrifying. My grief counselor helped me learn some relaxation techniques, but I haven't gone back since I got put on bedrest with Alice. I'm not sure how much it helps such a deep grief.

You're in my prayers daily, sweetie!

Jen said...

first, I just love Avery, I want to kiss her sweet little cheeks <3

second, I am sorry, I wish I had words to ease your heart/mind. I do know that sometimes it takes a bit to find a therapist/psych that you bond with, I liked my first chick alright, but the second one, she seemed to 'get me' it wasnt just me jabbering for an hour, but a conversation, advice, different scenarios discussed. Some like to just sit and be listened to, and there is nothing wrong with that, but I needed more..so maybe trying a different person could help? just a thought!


Lori said...
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Lori said...

You know that I just adored those pictures!!!! I could just eat those cheeks up! And knowing my puppies would be aggravated without me sending love to Louis, he of course is a rock star in the pictures too!!

As for the PTSD--feeling you. Haven't really talked much about it because I can't decide whether or not I want Luke to know about that while I was pregnant with him (although it certainly has no bearing on him, but you know how those hormones just make one feel so conflicted)...but definitely feeling you. And still addressing with therapy.

And can't say that at some point, if not better, may look into medicine. Right now, I'm still just going on what my doctor says in that it is exacerbated by dates upcoming, hormones still running and the freshness of the situation.

For you, I know I tell you this all the time, but even though it's been 3 months, you still have a lot of hormonal changes going on in your body and will for another good 9 months or so still...so that certainly can't be helping. Sometimes it does take a few tries to get someone you click with, so that may need to happen so you feel comfortable and treated, not just throwing money away. Something that was suggested to me by my doctor, who knew I wasn't going to take anything medicated because of the IVF cycles upcoming and now with pregnancy, is fish oil. I know it sounds gross, but it's not that bad. A good, high quality pharmaceutical grade (I use metagenics) fish oil--a teaspoon a day--helps balance, naturally, some of the hormonal issues.

I'm a HUGE medicine gal. I'm all about medical intervention. Maybe too much. BUT...since I can't really do too much of that right now, save therapy, I figured I'd at least look into some natural remedies. Fish Oil is on of my absolute musts each day.

Lots and lots of love...especially as your maternity leave winds up!!!

Lori said...
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Lori said...
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Lori said...

HOLY COW! I have no idea why it posted so many times!! It kept telling me there was an error! SORRY!