Sunday, October 17, 2010

Faking It

Ok, so.
I love this place. I love this blog. I love this community.
I mean, I know none of us realllllly want to be here, because the ticket in is the worst thing possible. But since we didn't get a choice, we really are lucky.

And I've been thinking lately about how sometimes I think I seriously don't know who I am anymore. I mean, which me am I?

Are you confused yet?

So, I'm not really "out" about my blogging life. I mean, I have a private blog where I post more pictures of A and little things about her life, and I have written about grief there, but it's for my family members and in the beginning when I would start to write about how I really felt, they all thought I was suicidal and were calling to make sure I was still alive. They couldn't handle how dark my thoughts were then.

So I found this. I found here. And I could write possibly the darkest thoughts ever, and people would say, "Hey. Been there. You're not crazy." and most of the time, that's really all we want to hear, right?

So that's how it's been. I blog here for what I really need, and I "blog" there for my family to see a little of what grief is like and some more pictures of A.

Until I started adding a bunch of BLMs to facebook. My mom called and said, "Who is that girl named Brianne that posts on your wall all the time? She seems so nice! Her baby is so cute! How do you know her?"

And I was, you see.

I seriously imagine that's what it felt like back in the day when it was NOT cool to go online to try to find dates! Ya know, when everyone on the internet was a creepy stalker and really a 60 year old 500 pound man child molester sitting on the computer smoking and eating microwave burritos.

I didn't want to lie. BUT I didn't really want to say, um, well, I met her on the internet? I don't exactly know why-mostly because my mom is kind of old (hehe) and she'd be like, what? who?

And seriously, does she stalk my facebook or what, my mom? I mean, geez!

So I don't even remember what I said. Something like, "Oh, she's my friend from California. You don't know ALL my friends, mother!"

Then I won an AMAZING piece of art from the talented Franchesca at Small Bird Studio. I didn't really want to post a picture of it on here because it is of my last name. Although, I'm not really sure I can even pretend that I'm anonymous on here anymore, anyway. But people are instantly drawn to it and always ask me where I got it.

Why can't I just lie, again? So I say, "Um, well, I won it in this blog contest and well, ya know, and the artist, she uh, she lost a baby, too, and um."

I'm a freak. I've been "out" with my husband since the beginning. I think he never thought it was strange (or at least never told me) because he was so glad that something helped me, he saw how excited I was when I get blog comments and so he wasn't going to question anything. And even this year when I found out we were going to California next summer and suggested maybe meeting one of my BLM friends, he thought that was a great idea! But my mom, my friends, I think-they will think I'm nuts.

So that's one part. Then there's the part of how I'm not sure I feel like I'm being entirely real on here, either! I mean, don't get me wrong-my feelings are real. I'm not exaggerating; I'm not sugar coating. But there is a lot more to me! I'm funny! I laugh a lot! I have interests!

And you guys....I swear! A lot! I have a problem! I walk around my house saying "Bitches and hos!" for NO REASON. There are no bitches and hos here. But I like to say it. I enjoy the word douche.bag ( I think it can be adapted to many situations).

I'm obsessed with the Gilmore Girls. I want to move to Stars Hollow. (It doesn't actually exist-I know this). I'm a sucker for Lifetime Movies. I wanted to be one of the "Friends".

I watch CNN all the time-I love politics and I'm super liberal and get really mad when people are not open-minded.

And I watch Dexter and True Blood! How opposite from the Gilmore Girls! I listen to Eminem AND Phantom of the Opera AND Michael Jackson. I love to scrapbook. I love to read. I love to go to the movies. I love to drive as fast as I can with the music as loud as I can. I'm constantly getting yelled at by my husband because I forget to turn the music down before I turn the radio off and it blasts him when he drives next.

I LOVE to clean. I get totally nuts when there is any sort of clutter at all. A great day for me is re-organizing drawers and closets.

I'm a good teacher. I am on every committee there is. I love the kids.

Bitches and hos! I like to end sentences with a random word. Like a comma, yo. "It's so nice out, yo!" or comma, bitches. "That was such a good movie, bitches!"

I had a verbally/emotionally abusive father. My sister is really my half-sister, which we didn't know until we were 25 and 32. She's cold and stand-offish because my dad was a (get ready for it) total douchebag. I"m oversensitive and cry too much for the same reason.

I don't know.
I don't know why I just typed all of that. But it felt good! I'm both of these people, but I feel like I'm separate. I'm not just. I don't spend all my time grieving.

But I don't swear on here. And I don't tell anyone else my "real" feelings.

I think it's ok. It's ok, right?


stumbull said...

I am glad you "came out" to us about your double life. Sometimes I wish I had 2 blogs but I can imagine how hard it is to keep thing seperate. I had the same kind of thing happen to me on FB with someone I met in a chatroom. I get lots of weird looks and eye rolls about that (mainly from my husband). Feel free to curse or show us your other side whenever the mood strikes, yo!

Debby@Just Breathe said...

Right! It's okay and it is really nice to hear about this side of you. ((HUGS))

Krista said...

I'm just glad to find someone else that shares my LOVE of Gilmore Girls!!!

AKD said...

You kill me, sister. You ARE funny, and I love it, yo!

Hope's Mama said...

Most of my friends and family know about my blog (although I never wanted them to, most just eventually found their way there) and that's why I have been so mute of late. I feel like whatever I do write these days is half fake because I'm always wary of who is reading. I know with a "private" blog you still should be the same, but I really do feel as if I need to break free of Tuesday'sHope and start a new space where friends and family can't find me and can't silently judge me from the sidelines. I am pretty close to doing it.
Thanks for outing yourself!
And Mums on Facebook - one word - UGH!!

Holly said...

I can def see where you can feel like 2 different people b/c of the audience of the 2 different spaces. I think it's nice to see more of the different side of you.

Marie W said...

Its okay! My family does not know about my blog either. I need a *safe* place to vent. My husband does know and he understands. Glad to know that side of you though.

Tina said... made me laugh!! First of all, I can totally relate. I haven't really told anyone except Hutch about my blog. I do suspect some people I know are reading, but I never really wanted it that way. I just wanted a place to write and then it became a place to connect with others who understood. For the girls' 1st b-day I had the cards that I received out and my mom was reading them. She asked who some people were...uhhh, I think I said they were people I had met online who had also lost their babies. But the questions stopped there, thankfully.

I love to hear that you swear, I do too, but try to control it because I am around kids ALL day long (you know what that's like!) Plus I don't want my own children talking like a sailor!!

And lastly...WHAT??? You are coming to CA next summer? Where are you going to be? We will all have to try and meet up somewhere if you can fit it in!

Amanda said...

My husband and I JUST had a conversation about how douchebag is the perfect word! It so perfectly conveys a feeling towards a person and feels so good to say! For the in-law that ignores you when you walk into their house- douchebag. For the guy that drives like a maniac and cuts you off only to slam on their brakes in front of you- douchebag!


Jill said...

I think we all have different sides to us that do not show through on our blogs and I think that is okay. I am so thankful to have my blog and to have made the connections that I have made. Only a handful of friends and family in real life know the address to my blog. Many people know I blog, but do not know anything about it. I am okay with that because it is my space to share and they do not always understand.

I love Dexter and am not sure why. It is the total opposite of anything else I watch!!

Lisette said...

You made me smile!!! I am also glad you "came out" I often feel the same way. I don't always blog what I really feel because I know family reads it even though I wish they wouldn't at times.
I am glad your husband understands. Hope you do make it out to Cali. ((HUGS))

Sarita Boyette said...

My son & his wife think I'm crazy because I had a celebration for Meredith the other day. However, he & his family enjoyed the steak dinners we all had and that hubs and I paid for! I enjoyed reading about the real you. I realized the other day that I was saying a certain curse word too much and resolved to do better!

DeniFay said...

Hilarious! I love the word douchebag too! I think it's excellent! And there is always a bit of a wall there, even if your blog is private, and your IRL people aren't reading it, there's always parts of you that are just yours! You cracked me up! I'm jealous b/c your blog is private! I'm going through something right now that I would LOVE to share with my bloggy friends, but can't b/c my blog is so public, and while that is good and has helped me help so many people that I really know, there are days when I just want to be able to say what I want without worrying that I will upset someone IRL! You go girl! Keep them seperate and enjoy the love from this community, it is AMAZING!!!

Rebuilding Myself said...

Ah, you make me chuckle :) And I agree, it is so difficult to reconcile the "two-ness" of yourself, isn't it? I am still trying to figure out how ...

Anonymous said...

You're just too funny! I think it's a good sign that you're ready to share both of you with us! :) Maybe you're on the way to re-merging the two! And always feel free to be either one of you to us bitches, anytime, yo! ;)

LP said...

That was an awesome post, yo! I wish I knew you in "real life"... :)

Franchesca said...

What a breath of fresh air, seriously. This post really made me laugh. I know what you mean though!!! I have a hard time explaining to my friends/ family how I have so many mementoes around the house with Jenna's name on it from my blog friends. And I SO know what you mean about being confused, lol. Anyway, I just loved reading about the real you :)

ps- I LOVE gilmore girls too!!!!

Lori said...

Most people I know in real life know about my blog, and have for the last several years I've done it for different reasons. I'm always surprised, sometimes, though, when I find out someone I had NO IDEA was reading and then I think, "Oy--maybe I should have been less graphic." (Like when finding out your pastor reads it and knows all the intimate details of your IVF procesess. Good times.)

You crack me up. I laughed out loud at you just mumbling around your house.


Catherine W said...

Tee hee. I'm exactly the same. Nobody in real life knows I write a blog (except hubs and my mother, neither of whom read it!) and I always worry about being "outed" somehow!

I think that I have always accepted that, reading the sort of blogs I do and writing the sort of blog that I do, that I am only really getting to know one facet of a person. Their grief and the love that they have for their child or children. But I know there's a lot more to all of you ladies than just that!

I can't believe that you swear! You just don't seem like the swearing type?! I grew up with a dad that turned the air blue as well but it had the opposite effect, I find it quite hard to swear.
I love Dexter and True Blood too.
Totally know that you are all about CLEAN and that you are a good teacher. I could tell that from the way you write about your job and the kids you teach. x

Tiffany said...

ahahah omg youre too funny!! now Im tempted to go find you on facebook lol psssst. I know bree too lol and Im in CA as well and met up with her once. I would love to meet you as well!!

Bree said...

This is a great post. :) I am out with everyone. I don't care if they think my friendships with people I've never even met is weird. A lot of people who know me in real life read my blog, too. Aren makes fun of me. But, really I think he just appreciates the fact that I've connected with so many women and have had so much support. I adore you. I love that you use the word bitches. :) I like the f word way too much, myself. Can't wait to meet you this summer.

ps... is this the post that you were given a hard time about?

crystal theresa said...

i'm new to your blog, but wanted to say that i appreciate you "coming out" about your double life.

i think we all do the same thing in deciding where we share certain parts of ourselves. I like Eminem and Phantom of the Opera and Michael Jackson. Though I wouldn't have blogged about it. and i have more of a potty-mouth in real life than on my blog.

I don't have a separate "family" and I know that (although they don't comment or talk about it with me) they read my blog. And I've met up with a babyloss mommy friend from BabyCenter when she came out to California, but didn't really tell anyone in my family except my husband.

It is definitely weird when the babyloss world intersects with regular family life, like when people from our support group came to my husband's portfolio show and his mom asked, in front of them, "are they your support group?" it was awkward.

anyway, thank you for this. and for making me smile.

i saw the pictures of Sophie and Aiden and they are beautiful. i'm so sorry you couldn't take your twins home with you.

Anonymous said...

I LOVE this post! Long-time lurker just saying that I loved learning more about you :) (especially the liberal part :).

Katlyn Ruth said...

I know this post is really old but I just wanted to let you know that I have read through all of your posts and it makes me feel less crazy... or at least there is someone out there a bit like me. I lost Riley my baby almost two weeks ago and have been searching for someone out there that understands. I have read through many blogs and they are helping me, yours included. I just wanted to say thank you.

Oh, and I say douche or douchebag ALL the flippin' time. I think its one of my favorite words :)