Monday, October 4, 2010

Still?

So, starting when I lost the twins I became extremely...how to put it...distracted, I guess? For the longest time, I couldn't even read a book. Books are my FAVORITE things! I used to read at least a book a week-anything and everything. But I lost my concentration. It became super hard for me to pay attention to anything-basically I could randomly surf the internet and sleep, and that was about all I could accomplish in those first few awful months.
When I went back to work last fall, I felt so different than before. So distracted! I know most of it my students didn't pick up on-but I also had way less patience. I blamed it on leftover grief, ttc, and later my very stressful, risky pregnancy. I had so much anxiety that my mind was somewhere else. I let SO many things drop at school-things I loved to do, committees I was on, extra-curriculars I loved to do with the kids. I put off doing my work and would just surf stupid websites during my prep time. I didn't design anything new (yawn! how boring!) But I didn't figure it'd last.
But, here I am, and I have my darling baby and the stress of pregnancy is gone, and there's no TTC in my near future, and I'm even off work, and I'm still SO distracted. My husband, who teaches in the same school district in which I work, will come home and want to vent, or bounce ideas off of me (we both teach the same subject, so my program feeds into his) and I can't even listen to him. He gets so annoyed with me because he thinks I just want to do something else-but I really just can't do it! I can't focus-I lose concentration-I feel....well, sometimes I feel dumb. Dumb because a lot of times I don't even "get" what he's talking about because it doesn't...I don't know, register or something. And I know so much about what he's speaking and I used to feel so much passion for it!
Does that make sense? I just still feel so weird and I'm wondering if I should mention it to my doctor? Do you all still have this? Is it just me? Will it eventually go away?
I have made a decision to only use the internet when A is napping. I am SO bad about it. Sometimes, while I'm feeding her, I'll open the lid of the dumb lap top and just click aimlessly. Why? No clue. Because I can't sit still! Because I get "bored" feeding the baby? WTH? So I had to put the laptop in the other room. But my brain constantly is looking for something to do. A distraction. Something I can "click."
Ugh. Advice?

9 comments:

Tracey said...

I could write a novel in this comment, but will tell you that I know *EXACTLY* what you are talking about. Recently started some long overdue therapy, and described this type of behaviors to the therapist, saying I think I'm going crazy, to which she replied, you are grieving. Its a natural reaction for the psyche following intense stress (losing daughter, getting pregnant again, high-risk pregnancy) - to have a more intense period of grief/sadness/depression when everything 'should' be okay.

I think to myself 20 months later, with our 3rd daughter safely here, I shouldn't 'still' be feeling so off-kilter. So many hugs to you, I know exactly what you are going through.

Amanda said...

I am currently pregnant with my rainbow and I understand what you're saying. I used to love to read and watch movies and go for long walks but I have no patience anymore. I drift from one thing to another and don't really put a lot of thought into anything. I spend my work days reading blogs and waiting for the end of the day so I can go home and look at the TV, not really watching it. I keep in my mind that once I have a healthy, living baby things will be better. I will be better. But it makes so much sense that you're still feeling this way.

I think it's worth a mention to your doctor. It could be related to post-partum depression, especially if you feel distracted while interacting with your baby. There could be and probably is a lot of emotion behind having a healthy baby. It's not like everything suddenly gets better because you have a living baby. It will take time.

Jen said...

yep. I get it.. I am the same, working (from home, EASILY distractable) holding the baby,watching TV or movies,cleaning my house, anything and everything..I don't try to rationalize it..its the new me, the me after loss..the ADD me I've been told..I've been trying to leave my phone in the kitchen, not with in arms reach, it helps some, maybe the same with your laptop will help you..((hugs))

DeniFay said...

Thank you for this post. I have been feeling these same things, but couldn't seem to articulate it. I have to put reminders for EVERYTHING I do in my phone with an alarm, I can't finish one task without starting another, I lose things, forget names, seriously. This is so not like me, I used to be the most organized, centered, consistent person, and I'm just not anymore. So glad to know it's not just me, and maybe I'll bring it up with my counselor this week too!! Great insight! Thank you!

AKD said...

You are not alone, sister. I take my phone and surf while pumping at work even.

Michele said...

I know EXACTLY this feeling! It happened to me after Nick and Sophie and, now, almost 3 years later, still hasnt subsided. I was a librarian and I cannot even tell yout he last book I read. My friends call it "mommybrain" but it is insane.

Lori said...

Christy--you are so not a lone and certainly not crazy...grief affects our cognitive function in ways that people who haven't suffered trauma or grief just can't even imagine. Moreover, when you throw in the fact that pregnancy ALSO does that...well...I always tell myself that cognitively, it's a miracle I don't walk out of the house naked, so I don't beat myself up over the lack of attention, memory deficit, inability to function the way I used to (especially with regard to books, writing, verbal skills!)...there's a ton of scientific research out there that backs this up--grief affects the way we code things into our memory, the way we retrieve those things, the way we make basic decisions and so on.

And there's NO timetable for grief...our synaptic responses and functioning is forever altered and may never be what it was before simply because our brain is always 'learning' and coping with situations--rewiring as needed.

Add in the hormones of pregnancy?????? OY.

Be gentle with yourself...you are doing an amazing job with balancing all of the emotions and functioning and don't box yourself into a timetable that you have to meet. There just isn't one.
xoxoxo


Pay particular attention to section 3:
http://www.omh.state.ny.us/omhweb/grief/GriefCounselingResourceGuide.pdf


http://www.sciencedirect.com/science?_ob=ArticleURL&_udi=B6VDJ-4608V2F-W&_user=10&_coverDate=08%2F31%2F1994&_rdoc=1&_fmt=high&_orig=search&_origin=search&_sort=d&_docanchor=&view=c&_acct=C000050221&_version=1&_urlVersion=0&_userid=10&md5=acfe2f674eee21b743a6f14af97be180&searchtype=a

B said...

I left you something on my blog. :-)

iamstacey said...

It sounds so normal after all you've been through. I hope your hubby can be patient with you through this time. Maybe try short periods of focusing on something, maybe just 5 min at a time? Keep it simple, don't make yourself feel bad for what you're working through.