Signs and Symbols

So. I have always been a little envious of other loss mamas who see signs/symbols that either remind them of their little one or perhaps even feel a communication through this sign. Butterflies, ladybugs, dragonflies, etc.
I have desperately wanted to dream of Aiden and Sophie.
I have tried so hard to open my eyes nice and wide to look around to see any possible way that they are in my life (in a symbol/form).
When we came home from the hospital empty handed, it was the beginning of Spring here in the midwest. It seemed as though each time I would go outside, there were two robins in my yard. I kept telling myself it was the twins, watching out for me. I would get so excited when I would see 2. I would scream with glee and call my husband out if they came to sit on the railing of the deck.

But, the thing is, a lot of times there were actually 3, and I just ignored one. I'd look out and convince myself that there were 2, and one had just flown away.

I don't know. I guess I just wanted so bad for it to feel like a sign.

On the other hand, and I know for some people they just don't understand, but I am completely arachnophobic. Not like, I jump if I see one and use the vacuum to suck it up. But-completely frozen in place, can't move, lose control and can't even go close enough to the spider in order to suck it up with the vacuum.

I mean, the definition of a phobia is an irrational fear of something. So, duh, I get it. It's not rational.

But I have always felt like seeing spiders is like impending doom. I feel like they mean something bad is going to happen. In reality-spiders come in when it's going to rain, when the weather changes, etc.

I also have nightmares. It's almost always the same one-in my dream I'm asleep in bed and the spider is hanging from it's web from the ceiling, twirling down toward my face.

Now-and this is funny looking back, in fact I lose myself in giggles when I tell the story in real life-but I actually gave my husband a bloody nose during one of these dreams. In my sleep, I was so scared of the spider, that I grabbed a pillow and swung it from one side of me to the other, and whacked my husband HARD in the nose with my fist. Yikes!

Anyway, yesterday I was sitting on the floor playing with the baby, and a giant (for me-I know there are bigger) spider crawled ACROSS MY HAND. Normal people might be a little grossed out. I screamed and almost dropped A, she started crying because she was scared (which made me feel quite bad) and I went up against the wall. The carpet in my basement is dark and a little long and I need to find that spider!!! I needed it to be dead. I couldn't find it, and Brian was still at work, and I just started crying in hysterics.

I feel like a moron even typing this. I know it must sound so stupid.

But it shakes me up. I wonder to myself---what is coming???

I guess I just feel like the symbolism in my life is negative, and I'm wishing for more positive symbols.

I guess, really, I just keep waiting for that other shoe to drop. I would like to come to some acceptance that A is here to (hopefully) stay. See, I still can't even write it. A is alive. She is here. She is staying. Will it always feel like saying/writing that is some sort of challenge to the Universe-I feel like I am mocking, daring. I just want to believe it. I want to know it.