Tuesday, December 28, 2010


I am throwing a fit.
I want to lay down and scream.
Kick my feet. Cry. Yell.
My face is red from tears.

I feel like I'm back in this horrible place again. I feel like it's early days-the days when I had just said good-bye to the twins.

I am so mad.
I want to fight. I want to come at someone, and yell at them. Yell at them until they understand.

I thought I was over the comment B's grandma made.

But. You see-B has a cousin, D. D was born at 24 weeks in 1984. And he is alive, and well, and with some minor delays in learning and some social aspects, he is an all around healthy young man.

So I want to say to her-that my "bad seed" could very well be her friggin' grandson.

I want to call certain members of hubby's family and ream them out. I want to yell at them and make them understand. I want them to understand how much they hurt my husband, and in turn, me. I want to make them apologize and make them take back every hurtful thing. I want to change them into exactly who I want them to be.

I want to tell my piece of junk father that he is a piece of junk and I don't want to waste my time having a superficial relationship with him.

I want to RIP up the Christmas letter I got from my friend who is pregnant with the twins. I want the pictures of baby A and baby B to be MY baby A and B. I want to go in reverse, and I'm still pregnant with the twins and they are just fine.

I am yelling. I am screaming. I am crying.

Because none of this can be done. And I am selfish. And I should just be happy with what I have.

I want. I want. I want.

I scream. I throw a fit. I tantrum.

I want people to understand how bad this hurts. That it's not something you "get over."


I am just seriously having a rough time. This Christmas feels so much worse than last. That may be because I pretty much don't remember anything about last Christmas. I just feel like it's more real.

I am so MAD at this world. I'm mad because our babies died. I'm mad because people get treated like crap.

Ugh. I'm sorry this post is so angry. I just needed to get it out. My grief cycles are coming back to anger more and more and I'm running out of techniques to deal with it. I'm feeling a little helpless and trying to stay strong for Avery so she doesn't have a psycho mother. I'm honestly usually very ok, but sometimes I just need a good, long vent.

Thanks for reading if you made it through--and I hope your holidays are peaceful and not quite as angry-making as mine!!


Anonymous said...

My thoughts and prayers are with you. I cant imagine...

Bree said...

I feel like last year, I just blocked out xmas and could avoid it. I think that's why this year felt more difficult. For me, at least. You are not selfish. You are bereaved and it's a screwed up process. And, you have had some shitty things said to you. I can't believe your friend sent you a xmas letter without asking you if you'd like one or warning you. Ugh. Hugs. xo

Denise said...

After Matthew passed away, I became a subscriber to the newsletter that http://www.healingheart.net/ puts out. It had some great advice on dealing with the holidays. One piece of advice that I remember from them is that the second year is so much harder than the first. The first you are in denial and in shock, your mind is somehow protecting you in a way from the tremendous pain and heartache. By the second year, you know. You feel. You are so much more aware of what is going on and what should have been and the shock has worn off. I wish I could say it gets easier, but it doesn't. It just gets different. We are 3 years out and just tonight was one that was a "so painful, I could literally throw-up" kind of night where even tears can't fix it. I am really, really sorry.

Hope's Mama said...

This really hit home. I've really wanted to shake a few people myself lately. So it has been two and a half years (for me). So what? Why should I be any more over it/better/healed/moved on? I am so sick of this. For both of us.

AKD said...

Oh, sweetie, I am just so very sorry. I wish I could make all of these insensitive comments go away. I wish I could make your family act LIKE A FAMILY.

I had a tough time this Christmas, too. I think last year was a little easier, being pregnant - I'd suspect that it was similar for you. What also hurt this year is that everyone just kind of forgot about Maddie... as if she didn't exist.

Our babies DO exist, and they are perfect. I am thinking of the twins.

Tina said...

I wish people could understand that the things that come out of their mouths can be so hurtful. It makes me wonder if they have forgotten about our babies. Or maybe they really just don't know that we did have perfect babies, we delivered them and held them, kissed them, and love them. I just don't think they get it at all. It makes me question myself, do I ever say things like this to other people dealing in different situations? I hope not! Anyway, I don't know if I am making any sense, but I am sorry. I know for me, part of the pain comes from being blessed with twins, and that being ripped away from me. I think it is different (not worse, or better, just different) than losing a singleton. It is something we will probably never get to experience again and that just sucks. Hang in there, you are allowed to lose it and vent here whenever you need to. xx

DeniFay said...

Shake them all!!! Or get a voodoo doll (hey, I'm from Louisiana, it's not unheard of!) :) I just hate that you're hurting so bad and know that there's nothing I can do to make it better, but know that I send you love! I had a friend tell me recently that I would be pregnant in a few weeks (knew we were doing IVF) and forget all about all of this. Really?!?! You think I get another baby and just forget the rest--absurd, but people say the dumbest things, we all know this!

For the anger I used to run, it was really all that could get all of the energy out, then I'd usually cry after that, but the cleansing kind! Find a physical outlet to help you, even if it's throwing crap against a wall where no one can see you!! ((Hugs))

Holly said...

If only it could be remedied by shaking them and trying to get them to understand. But sometimes no matter what you say or do it still doesn't get through.

Mirne said...

Ummm, I've been angry, mad, filled with RAGE, for about 4 and a half years now. Because while other babies are born and live, mine have all died. And NOONE knows WHY??? So, yep, I yell and scream ALL the time. And noone gets it.

Lori said...


Me too..for you...I'm so, so angry for people feeling the way some of your family members do, but more, for the voicing of it. For the inability to comprehend what that does to your already crushed soul. For the inability to relate to how LUCKY they are with THEIR 24 weeker. For so many things, I am angry for you too and wish I could do something to make it better. Knowing I can't physically have a come to Jesus with them for you, I'll just continue to pray for soothing for your heart and for COMPASSION for theirs. I'm so sorry.

I agree completely--the second Christmas is SO much worse--and I think it's as you said--because you are really so numb the first one.

Yell, yell and yell some more. You are absolutely entitled!!! xoxoxoxoxoxo

Anonymous said...

aargh, the holidays are hard enough, I hate it that you had to deal with this, too. :(

With Out My Punkin said...

(((hugs)) I'm sorry. They don't understand, my grandma says shit all the time, It's so frustrating. News flash people, we don't get over them. They are our babies we love them just as much as their siblings. Sorry about your relationship with your dad, I can relate. Sending you lots of love.

Catherine W said...

Oh geesh. B's grandma. What a thing to say. Unbelievable, so hurtful and inappropriate. I'm so sorry.

I wish people could understand. That this isn't something that you 'get over' and I agree with Denise, that first year I think I had some sort of protection from the shock but subsequent years I just . . know.

Also can't believe that your friend didn't think that it might have been hurtful for you to see pictures of her baby A and B.

Love to you xo

Crystal Theresa said...

Oh honey, I'm so sorry. When I read your post about the dinner, I was so appalled. It's not fair. And you have every right to tantrum and scream and be upset. I wish we could make them understand, too. I sending you lots of love and hugs.

Love's mom forever said...

I totally understand what you are going through. I feel so many similarities to you: water broke at 21 weeks (but delivered right after, at 21 weeks), and my son is named Avery (2 years old). I just lost my little girl one and a half weeks ago, so I am still reeling. But, learning all about the ANGER that is overtaking me. I don't know how I am going to get through this. This is my 1st time reading blogs, looking for people who know what I am going through. None of my friends get it. It was NOT a miscarriage, I lost a baby that I delivered, who was ALIVE and in my arms for one precious but too short hour before she passed away... How do you get through?? How do you make people understand? I want to yell in peoples faces too. Like the neighbour who said "you'll gettem next time!", like that's supposed to be comforting... Ugh... Sorry to vent. Thanks for sharing your story...