I am throwing a fit.
I want to lay down and scream.
Kick my feet. Cry. Yell.
My face is red from tears.
I feel like I'm back in this horrible place again. I feel like it's early days-the days when I had just said good-bye to the twins.
I am so mad.
I want to fight. I want to come at someone, and yell at them. Yell at them until they understand.
I thought I was over the comment B's grandma made.
But. You see-B has a cousin, D. D was born at 24 weeks in 1984. And he is alive, and well, and with some minor delays in learning and some social aspects, he is an all around healthy young man.
So I want to say to her-that my "bad seed" could very well be her friggin' grandson.
I want to call certain members of hubby's family and ream them out. I want to yell at them and make them understand. I want them to understand how much they hurt my husband, and in turn, me. I want to make them apologize and make them take back every hurtful thing. I want to change them into exactly who I want them to be.
I want to tell my piece of junk father that he is a piece of junk and I don't want to waste my time having a superficial relationship with him.
I want to RIP up the Christmas letter I got from my friend who is pregnant with the twins. I want the pictures of baby A and baby B to be MY baby A and B. I want to go in reverse, and I'm still pregnant with the twins and they are just fine.
I am yelling. I am screaming. I am crying.
Because none of this can be done. And I am selfish. And I should just be happy with what I have.
I want. I want. I want.
I scream. I throw a fit. I tantrum.
I want people to understand how bad this hurts. That it's not something you "get over."
I want to MAKE THEM UNDERSTAND.
I am just seriously having a rough time. This Christmas feels so much worse than last. That may be because I pretty much don't remember anything about last Christmas. I just feel like it's more real.
I am so MAD at this world. I'm mad because our babies died. I'm mad because people get treated like crap.
Ugh. I'm sorry this post is so angry. I just needed to get it out. My grief cycles are coming back to anger more and more and I'm running out of techniques to deal with it. I'm feeling a little helpless and trying to stay strong for Avery so she doesn't have a psycho mother. I'm honestly usually very ok, but sometimes I just need a good, long vent.
Thanks for reading if you made it through--and I hope your holidays are peaceful and not quite as angry-making as mine!!
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