Thursday, December 16, 2010

I care.

I started A's bedtime routine like normal tonight. I took her upstairs and put on her nighttime diaper, her lotion, and her pjs. Washed her face and hands and set her on the floor to practice her sitting (she's getting so good!) while I picked out a book for us to read. I spent all of last spring visiting rummage sales so she'd have a good library! So I see one called "Bedtime for Little Bears." I just grabbed it from reading the title on the spine. When I looked at the cover, I shivered a little because I knew right away that it was a book that was given to us for the twins. I remember exactly when I got it. A co-worker/friend came over because she wanted to give us a present and to see the nursery. We went up and I was SO proud and excited-I showed her the clothes I had picked out. We had the furniture set up (this was Weds and my water broke on Sunday) and so we each sat in a glider staring at the beautiful (and just painted) nursery:

At any rate, the book took me back. But I was ok. I held it in. Then I opened the book. She had written in it.

"*2009* You were always wanted and always loved."

Seriously. That is what it said.

So I opened it and started reading. As I flipped the pages, a card fell out. Apparently I had just placed it inside the book after reading it. It was a baby card and where it said "Ten fingers" and "Ten toes" she had crossed it out and made it "Twenty fingers" and "Twenty toes."

I couldn't help it. I couldn't stop myself. Brian wasn't home to help. And I just sat there, with A on my lap giggling as the puppy walked by, sobbing uncontrollably.

These moments, they get you from nowhere. This horrible longing for what you didn't have, what you never really had at all, it seems, and what is NEVER going to come back.

There are triplets at my middle school. I didn't know. Today was their birthday. I thought of my sweet friends, Nan, and Kerry, and Rachel, and wishing it was THEIR triplets at my school.

I clicked onto Yahoo and there was the headline-Mariah Carey is preggo with twins!

My friend who is pregnant with boy/girl twins wrote to have dinner. I can't do it.

A good friend who lost twins-her sister since then has had TWO sets of twins (seriously)-and she has to meet them for the first time on Monday.

Another bloggy friend who lost twins just found out her close friend is having twins.

Friends are without jobs, without their parents, without their siblings.

It's the holidays. I think of my bloggy friends who have yet to have their rainbows, or ones who tragically and horribly are without their rainbows as well.

I'm thinking of you. I'm sending ALL my love to you. I'm pouring my positive thoughts into the universe to send them to you.

Please know that I care.


Hope's Mama said...

I have books written in that are addressed to Baby H (for our surname, not for Hope co-incidentally which was her name in utero) and they make me weep when I pull them out and read them to Angus.

rebecca said...

Oh my dear, you're right its sometimes so unexpected when the grief hits you hard. Thinking of you and sending those same positive thoughts and love your way! Thanks for stopping by my blog and your kind words, taking one day at a time and hoping the future holds happiness ((hugs))

crystal theresa said...

((hugs)). it does really come from nowhere, and when it does, it hits so hard. thanks for your sweet words. and just so you know, i care for you, too. <3

Lindsey said...

I hate it when those terribly sad moments hit, and they do all too often these days. It is surprising how comforting it is when someone says, as you did, "I care." Because sometimes it seems that no one besides me does. ((hugs)) to get you through the holidays and beyond. My blog today was inspired by a couple of those moments where it just hits you out of nowhere as well.

With Out My Punkin said...

((hugs)) I can't read the books that I read to Kasey to Brooklyn, I can't even pull them off the shelf with out tears falling.
I care too <3

AKD said...

This just made me cry - you're an amazing woman, and so very strong. I had one of these moments on Wednesday while driving to work. Love to you all.

Malory said...

Those moments come out of nowhere. I know finding those written words & card must of been so hard. Thinking of you.

Joanna said...

I have a lot of these moments too...perhaps its the Holidays coming up. It just makes it so hard...thanks for caring, I do too!!!

Catherine W said...

The thought of you opening that little book and discovering the inscription and the card is just heartbreaking. What your friend had written in the book was very true, always loved. x

Michele said...

Sometimes it just hits you like a ton and when it does there is nothing you can do but roll with it.

big hugs dear one...

margaret said...

You have no idea how I needed this post. Thank you. I'm feeling so down right mom just died, I'm desperately wanting another baby yet so torn about trying and failing. I miss Calvin. I miss the whole "specialness" of twins. I hate the fact that Georgia is growing up without her twin brother yet so thankful I have her. I so get this post and the feelings of never having had anything more than the possibility of what could have been....Much love to you, because I care too.

Abby said...

Thank you. It's strange, but I needed to hear that someone cares.. Much love to you over the holidays xx

Anonymous said...

it's a sign of how much love there is for you and Aiden and Sophie. They were loved by many before they were born!