Permanent Damage

Seriously, I feel insane right now.
You won't believe what I did this morning.
Well, you might. I'm not sure if this is just crazy Christy, or a baby loss thing, or an IF thing.
Anyway, this morning, I took a pregnancy test.

Scraaaaaaaattttttcccccccchhhhhhh.

You all screech to a halt, right? What in the world?

Are we trying to get pregnant? Not at ALL. In fact, with sleep deprivation and going back to work, let's say it's been a while, since *ahem* AND we are on birth control. OH, AND-don't forget-I have to take a pill to ovulate.

Oh, and since I've been taking birth control, I've been having regular periods.

But then, I think I feel flutters in my tummy.

What if I missed it? What if those are kicks? What if I'm like one of those girls on "I didn't know I was pregnant"? What if the bleeding hasn't been periods and I'm just bleeding and I'm like 16 weeks pregnant and I've been drinking SO much caffeine and taking antibiotics and not taking any folic acid. I did have some breakthrough bleeding a few months ago.

But, duh, I'm not feeling flutters. It's gas.

But what if it's flutters? What if I missed something? What if it's a miracle, and I'm one of those people that got pregnant on birth control and didn't know it?

But seriously-I'm not pregnant.

So I go to bed. And I'm awake off and on all night and I think I feel weird things and am I gaining weight? and I dream that I'm pregnant and it's actually twins and with bedrest this time they'll make it. I'll have my twins.

I'll join mothers of multiples. I'll go to the big consignment sale because I'll need extra stuff.

So this morning I wake up, and I dig around in the cabinet, because I know there's got to be a leftover pregnant test in there somewhere.

But, seriously-there is NO WAY you are pregnant. You are crazy.

But if I just take the test, then I'll know for sure and know that I'm not doing anything that would hurt the "babies."

So, I do.

And I swear-my heart POUNDS as I watch the little timer flip on the digital test. And then, minutes later, it pops up NOT PREGNANT (DUH). Then I have to hide it. Put it in the package. Wrap it in toilet paper. Put it in the bathroom garbage. Take bathroom garbage downstairs and put in big garbage. Take that whole bag out.

This is ridiculous.

I am RIDICULOUS.

It's something permanent inside me, I think. Expecting the disappointment. Always wondering if maybe a little miracle will happen and I won't have to try. Perhaps even expecting immaculate conception, I mean, really? REALLY? Shouldn't I just be happy with Avery right now? Shouldn't I just be glad I don't have to worry about ttc right now? Shouldn't I be focusing on her?

I feel so sad. And crazy. And I look at Avery and there is a little shadow around her, next to her.

I look and want to see her brother.

Only she's not Sophie, she's Avery.

Man. Oh, man. This is what I call permanent damage.