Monday, December 20, 2010

Permanent Damage

Seriously, I feel insane right now.
You won't believe what I did this morning.
Well, you might. I'm not sure if this is just crazy Christy, or a baby loss thing, or an IF thing.
Anyway, this morning, I took a pregnancy test.

Scraaaaaaaattttttcccccccchhhhhhh.

You all screech to a halt, right? What in the world?

Are we trying to get pregnant? Not at ALL. In fact, with sleep deprivation and going back to work, let's say it's been a while, since *ahem* AND we are on birth control. OH, AND-don't forget-I have to take a pill to ovulate.

Oh, and since I've been taking birth control, I've been having regular periods.

But then, I think I feel flutters in my tummy.

What if I missed it? What if those are kicks? What if I'm like one of those girls on "I didn't know I was pregnant"? What if the bleeding hasn't been periods and I'm just bleeding and I'm like 16 weeks pregnant and I've been drinking SO much caffeine and taking antibiotics and not taking any folic acid. I did have some breakthrough bleeding a few months ago.

But, duh, I'm not feeling flutters. It's gas.

But what if it's flutters? What if I missed something? What if it's a miracle, and I'm one of those people that got pregnant on birth control and didn't know it?

But seriously-I'm not pregnant.

So I go to bed. And I'm awake off and on all night and I think I feel weird things and am I gaining weight? and I dream that I'm pregnant and it's actually twins and with bedrest this time they'll make it. I'll have my twins.

I'll join mothers of multiples. I'll go to the big consignment sale because I'll need extra stuff.

So this morning I wake up, and I dig around in the cabinet, because I know there's got to be a leftover pregnant test in there somewhere.

But, seriously-there is NO WAY you are pregnant. You are crazy.

But if I just take the test, then I'll know for sure and know that I'm not doing anything that would hurt the "babies."

So, I do.

And I swear-my heart POUNDS as I watch the little timer flip on the digital test. And then, minutes later, it pops up NOT PREGNANT (DUH). Then I have to hide it. Put it in the package. Wrap it in toilet paper. Put it in the bathroom garbage. Take bathroom garbage downstairs and put in big garbage. Take that whole bag out.

This is ridiculous.

I am RIDICULOUS.

It's something permanent inside me, I think. Expecting the disappointment. Always wondering if maybe a little miracle will happen and I won't have to try. Perhaps even expecting immaculate conception, I mean, really? REALLY? Shouldn't I just be happy with Avery right now? Shouldn't I just be glad I don't have to worry about ttc right now? Shouldn't I be focusing on her?

I feel so sad. And crazy. And I look at Avery and there is a little shadow around her, next to her.

I look and want to see her brother.

Only she's not Sophie, she's Avery.

Man. Oh, man. This is what I call permanent damage.

12 comments:

Michele said...

Honey. you arent the only one with permanent damage... or POASing... Hugs...

rebecca said...

You are definitely not alone, you're the second blogger this week that I've read had a similar situation. It's so hard to not hope for that miracle after all we've been through, I don't think any of our hearts every completely give up on that even though we know realistically it probably won't happen. ((hugs))

Bree said...

Oh, Christy. This makes me laugh and cry at the same time. I wish we weren't so damaged. Hugs, friend.

Jen said...

I am with Bree, I laughed because I get it, and have the same irrational thoughts/feelings, but it is so so sad that this is a reality..I took a test last month, and was sad it was negative..crazy right? 4 yrs of infertilily and then the poison my DNA puts into a baby, and I was sad? It sucks to be us sometimes..:(
((hugs))

Catherine W said...

Another one laughing and crying. I know that I can't fully understand but I've been through the same internal conversations and wondering if somehow it's twins again and this time it will all be different. And then hiding the test in the bottom of the rubbish. Yup.

AKD said...

I agree so much with everyone - this IS. It is our existence. I haven't even had a period since having Alice due to BFing (and PCOS), and yet... I keep thinking I'm pregnant. Not remotely possible, but there. I am so sorry, what an awful feeling, yet so true.

Lisette said...

((HUGS))

iamstacey said...

It would be my dream to get pregnant a second time without any extra help. But it'll never happen. :( And I can't tell the difference between gas and flutters, either.

Holly said...

I seriously thought of taking one the other day b/c my stomach was upset one evening and then the next day almost like morning sickness. I have refrained though since I haven't felt it since. I was very tempted.

With Out My Punkin said...

((hugs)) I have had the same flutters. I think its our babies sending us some love.

The Humpherys Fam said...

Christy,
Why on earth would a person be lurking at blogs on Christmas Eve? It's because I'm searching out blogs of others who know my pain. Our little boy passed away at 24 weeks. He was supposed to be born yesterday and celebrating this Christmas with us. But instead we are missing him more than words can ever express.

I hate that others know how I feel. And yet there is such comfort in hearing the story of someone who truly understands.

I've just spent the past hour reading about the loss of your beautiful babies, empathizing with your frustration that others don't seem to remember that you are the mother of THREE, and feeling the same pure anger, frustration, and bitterness you've felt in the past.

Thank you for sharing your story. You have helped me tremendously.
-Ann

Tina said...

Oh Christy...I wish it weren't this way. Yesterday we did Christmas with Hutch's family. Our niece who is 18 days younger than Gigi was with us. We put the girls down together to sit and play and watch them. Later, Hutch held Gigi while I held our niece and I just thought...so this is what it would have been like; should have been like. But I know they are not my Sophia & Ellie. Merry Christmas to you friend. xx