Sunday, May 2, 2010

New but Old

I love, love, love my new house. But the last few days have been sort of strange. I wasn't sad to leave my old house-none of the good memories I have of the twins were there-I mean, I was pregnant there, but somehow that part of this seems so far removed-it's interesting.
This whole experience has been pulling at my emotions. For one, I know we would not be doing this with one year old twins. We wouldn't need to, but honestly we wouldn't have wanted to. My old house was just fine-I mean, it was a starter home/a duplex, and we knew we wanted to move eventually, but we would have stayed. So it's weird to think about that.
Secondly, with every feeling of happiness, there are those moments of grief. I literally haven't let myself have a second to even think because I'm worried that I will break down. This house makes me so happy-I'm ready to make new memories and I love my husband so much-and it's been really comforting to find places for the babies lives in this house. Here is our mantel piece with their angels:

And their table with their memory box which is in our bedroom:

I also received a gift card for their birthday from some of my friends for a nearby nursery, so we are going to pick out a special tree (finally!) for our yard and then we can put their stones and outside angels near it, too.

Honestly, the worst part about this was moving their memory box and their hand and foot molds. I was TERRIFIED I would break their molds-I wouldn't let anyone touch their box. There was one night during all of this that we were "homeless" and I stressed out SO much---do I leave the box in the car, or do I walk into someone else's house carrying my babies urns???? I ended up bringing them in with me, just the urns, but just put them in one of my bags and didn't say anything about it. I felt sort of crazy worrying about leaving their "ashes" alone. I mean, I know that's not them-----ugh. Anyway, it's over. They're "safe" now here in their special spot.

On a different note, in the midst of all of this, I met with a diabetes educator to learn how to use a meter and checked in with a nutritionist. Here is what I find interesting: the diabetes educator talked with me for a long time about how stress can raise your blood sugar. I told her my history and asked her if she thought that could have anything to do with it? She said that absolutely-she'd be interested in my blood sugars OUTSIDE of the hospital since that what triggers me. Now, don't worry-I'm keeping with this diet no matter what and not changing anything, but I've tested 3 times a day since Wednesday and I haven't had a blood sugar higher than 111. You can be up to 140! When I tested at the hospital, one hour after eating a whole wheat english muffin, it was 143. Ate that same english muffin here and an hour later was 101. Last night I ate pizza-which is pretty high in carbs (not terrible, but higher than my alloted 50-60 for supper) just to see what happens and it was 113 an hour later. It's brought my spirits up a LOT because I feel like I'm not hurting the baby at least, and I'm glad to know always what my blood sugar is. Like I said-not going to say, oh, I'm fine, eat what I want-but my huge stressing fear since the lady said "stillbirth" to me has mostly gone.

Well, I am sooooooo tired. I just wanted to send a little update. I'll leave you with a few more pics of the new house :) Happy International Mother's Day :)

The house:

The kitchen:

The future nursery (please, please, please).

oh, and a peek into how "organized" (read: over the top!) I am:


Kristin said...

Congrats on the new home and making great new memories there and the future Nursery I cant wait to see iy when its all done. Amd the fireplace is a great place for you beautiful babies.

Jen said...

the new home is beautiful :) I have a mold of Ella's hand and locks of her hair and when we recently cleaned and re-organized her room for a foster (hopefully adoption) baby it made me sick to move her stuff..I ended up putting it in the top of my closet.. I need to be able to see them and touch them if I want to.. anyhow.. the anxiety about that stuff is certainly not crazy to me.. :) I can't wait to see the nursery when its all done!

Marie W said...

Congrats on the new home! I worry about leaving them alone too. So happy you are now able to have a memorial in your backyard for them.

With Out My Punkin said...

The new house looks beautiful! Can't wait to see the nursery full! Good new about your blood sugar!

Catherine W said...

The new house looks absolutely stunning.

I would have felt the same about leaving the ashes 'alone' and I'm glad they are safe in your new home now. It is strange, even though I know the ashes are not my daughter in any real sense, I do like to know where they are.

That's so interesting about stress raising your blood sugar, I had no idea. It certainly sounds as though that could be the case with you. x

Courtney said...

It is really coming together!!

Sending you big *hugs*

Lisette said...

Congrats on the new home, it is so beautiful. I am sure this place will definately be a home and not just a house. ((HUGS))

AKD said...

I TOTALLY get the urn thing. I usually travel a lot for work, but haven't spent a single night out of the house since she was born. I move her ashes with me downstairs during the day, and then bring them back up to our bedroom at night so they're there. I totally get that attachment.

The house is just so lovely! Your boxes made me laugh - that's awesome how organized you are! I just love how complete you've already got everything!

Nan & Mike said...

What a beautiful new home sweetie! It's going to be wonderful making new memories here, and finding perfect places to honor your sweet angels. I have something in just about every room here :) I would have been afraid something would happen to their things too, its completely understandable. So glad your sugar is behaving and that you have a good educator, it helps I am sure. Your pictures are beautiful and I cannot wait to see more!
Love Nan xxx

Holly said...

I really like your new house! And I like that you are super organized. :)

I don't think I could've let their ashes out in the car either!