ups and downs

Honestly, I think I should just title every post ups and downs. I just feel like I am on this huge amusement park ride-one second I am feeling so amazingly happy and the next I am feeling lower than low.

Last night I went to a class at my hospital called "Basics of Baby Care." I really went back and forth about signing up for any classes-I didn't know if I could handle it and I thought maybe I could get the same from a book. So, anyway, I didn't think ahead-I just knew it was "5th floor hospital." So I get off the elevator, and I'm staring at the NICU. How could I have blocked that out? I'm on the labor and delivery floor. I saw this picture on the wall of three babies.

This picture brought me RIGHT back, lightning speed-I had a horrible, horrible, flashback.

Sophie wasn't doing well and I was standing by her isolette when all of the sudden things started flashing and instantly there were 20 people standing around. The only thing I could think of to do (and I am ashamed of this) was get the hell out of there. So I told my husband to push me (I was in a wheelchair) and we ran back to our room. As we came out of the NICU I saw that picture and remember thinking my babies would never look like that. As soon as we got to my room, the NICU doctor was there saying-you need to come back, Christy-you need to come back.

I didn't want to go back-mainly because I thought if I didn't go, then it couldn't be true. She couldn't be dying. She asked if I wanted to hold her and I said no. My mom pushed me to do it, and of course I am glad she did now, but at the time I was just so....freaked out.

Anyway, I stood outside the classroom, crying, trying to talk myself into going in.

Then once I got in, of course there was talk of twins and then the instructor said, "I have a treat for you! We are bringing in a one day old baby for me to demonstrate how to give a bath".

I got dizzy.

Ugh.

So, anyway, we watched the bath (and honeslty, this baby was SO SO SO adorable-and I couldn't believe how big and strong he looked at only one day old) and practiced diapers on our dolls and had someone come to show us how to hook up the carseat.

As we were leaving, my husband said, "ohmygosh we have to get STUFF! I need to get that carseat installed! I need to get the crib together!"

Ugh.

So then today I had my first appointment with Dr. B. It was SO amazing. I told her all my fears and she listened-she looked at my blood sugar and said so far I'm definitely controlling it with diet and so don't need to take any medication/insulin, which is great!-she let me listen to the heartbeat for a loooong time-and when I told her about my situation with the class last night, she canceled my breastfeeding class and also got me a one on one lesson on that with a lactation consultant and a one on one lesson about childbirth. I'm still at only 7 pounds weight gain, and my blood pressure was great :)

I just love her. I'm so, so thankful. We talked about picking a pediatrician for the baby, and I asked if we could just use her since she's a family doctor, and she said "Absolutely!" with a big grin.

Then I got a message that our new couches are coming tomorrow already, and we're SO close to our $2,000 goal for the walk this weekend, and my 8th graders were super well behaved :)

So, yeah. Ups and Downs.

Scared and Happy.

This has to be boring for you to read-please forgive me-I feel like I have the exact same thing to say every single time-I just need to get it down.

Thinking of you all,

Christy :)