29

Today, I turned 29 years old. It was, as usual, a little bittersweet-I mean, I was trying to make it a good day, and it was. My husband got me a Nook from Barnes and Noble! I love it :) We went to lunch (low carb, of course, stupid diabetes), went to see Shrek in 3-D, came back and I caught up on some scrapbooking. I made dinner and then we put a bunch of baby stuff together. I have pictures but I'm too nervous to put them up.

The hard parts were 1) missing Aiden and Sophie 2) being really broken up about Courtney losing her little baby Wyatt and 3) just being so nervous about little Baby A (we have a name, but keeping it semi-secret for the time being!).

Anyway, things have just been getting tough lately. My blood sugar has been getting a little wacky, even though I am following the diet to an extreme-I obsess over it. I've only had 2 or 3 elevated numbers, but it freaks me out and then I'm convinced I'm hurting the baby. I'm supposed to be under 140 one hour after eating, and the other night I ate hardly any carbs at all and got a 140. I cried for like 3 hours. Have I mentioned that stress and negativity raise your blood sugar? I've got to get it together. I can feel those hormones creeping in...

I've let myself get excited-tomorrow, actually, I have a baby shower at school. It's the last week (Friday I'll be 35 weeks and done with school! woot!) and so I gave in and I've actually been looking forward to it. But then I think about it, and I'm not safe yet. I need to just believe that she is going to make it. I can't let myself believe anything else, no matter what happens. No matter what. She deserves my faith in her. It's just that I can barely even read the LFCA anymore, because I just don't want to think about or know what else can go wrong.

I saw somewhere that Sally had made a comment on a post that although are odds are so much better, she really saw them as 50/50 for her. Live or Die. I so feel this. I know the odds of something not going right now are sooo slim. But we've been there/done that with those odds. We are the statistic. We have been. And having a prior loss doesn't mean we're safe.

At any rate, I'm hanging in there. I've got the nursery pretty much put together, and after I see what we receive from our fantastic co-workers tomorrow I'll be going to get whatever other "must haves" for when she arrives. We have an appointment to get the car seats installed (yikes!!!) and finally at the end of last week we met with Human Resources to take care of my maternity leave and B's paternity leave next fall. We decided I'll take the first 12 weeks off and he'll take the 4 after that, so that she won't have to go to daycare until after Christmas break. It stinks because we work for the same school district, so for those 4 weeks since our FMLA is actually used up, I'll be taking a slight cut on some of my benefits. The only reason he's able to take any time at all is because most of my leave will be unpaid, since I used all my sicks days for Aiden and Sophie after they were born.

Anyway, all this planning is good and makes me feel productive, but scares the bejeebers outta me. You can plan all you want, but things just don't always happen as they should. Praying that they will.

Keeping Courtney close in my thoughts...not understanding what in the world is wrong with the Universe...