Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Can't Stop

I can't stop wishing.
I can't stop dreaming.
I can't stop being so terrified.

Today is May 11th. Exactly 2 months or 60 days until my due date.

All I can think is-what if?

What if I get to bring her home with me?

What if I get to be someone's mommy here on Earth?

I just have so many dreams. I can't stop thinking about them. I can't wait to just walk her around the block. Take her with me to Target. I want to talk to her. Read to her. I want to be responsible for her OUTSIDE of my stupid body that doesn't seem to get it right.

I want to plan mini trips. Pack her diaper bag. Figure out what makes her laugh and smile.

I have no idea how to take care of a baby. I mean, I know some things, but I have no experience. No little siblings, I only baby-sat for toddlers and up.

But I'm so desperate for this. So scared that I've come this far and that it's all going to be ripped away from me.

I want to see my husband's face when she comes out crying. I want to watch him hold her and speak to her and hug her and kiss her.

I want my mom to be able to buy things for her without me freaking out. I want to let all the people that love me shower her with love. I want all the people that have supported me over the past year be able to share in this joy with me.

I am so scared. 60 more days. How does it seem so far away and yet so close?


AKD said...

I'm crying as I read this - I so, so get this. And all I can do is send you hugs and love, sweetie, and say that I just pray and truly believe that you'll get all of these desires.

Jen said...

oh honey..I wish I could give you a giant hug!! I am praying for peace, for a healthy screaming baby girl and easy delivery for her mommy.. ((hugs))

Hope's Mama said...

I can relate to everything you said.
I just want you to know I am thinking of you and wishing that the weeks would fly by for you.

Brianna said...

While I'm not due until August, I have these same thoughts every single day! I hope the next 60 days fly by for you,and that she will soon be here, crying away and receiving all that love that's waiting for her.

Just Breathe said...

Praying that all your dreams and wishes come true. Praying for all fears to leave. ((HUGS))

Catherine W said...

I hope that you will do all these things with your daughter and so much more. Don't worry about not 'knowing' how to take care of a baby, every baby is different anyhow and all of us just muddle along as best we can (or I certainly did!)
I can only imagine the fear and the hope and the anxiety and everything all mixed up at once. Hoping the next 60 days pass by smoothly and peacefully and that you'll have your little girl in your arms before you know it. xo

Emerging Butterfly said...

Breathe mama....it's all you can do. Breathe....

I'm breathing too....wishing you warmth and a will to enjoy every moment, no matter what. You have seen the little man behind the green curtain...you know the truth. You will never believe in "OZ" in the same way....so breathe...and trust, nonetheless. With love....and HUGS!

Kristy said...

You will figure it out, Christy. There is no manual to get you through it all, you just know what to do. You will love her with all your might, and know the right things to do, just when she needs it. Its very overwhelming, but I hope beyond hope you get those special moments. I have faith you will hold your beautiful little girl, hear her cry when she is born, and take her home to watch her grow and change. You deserve this, and your time is coming so soon. I hope the next 2 months fly by, and you get your treasure at the end of the rainbow. xo

With Out My Punkin said...

((hugs)) Hoping that the next 60 days fly by and she is safe in her mommas arms!

Anonymous said...

I can't believe it's so close already! It's so exciting! You two are going to be amazing parents!

Nan & Mike said...

I think we shoudl just combine blogs and write for eachother LOL.
We are gonna make it friend, Im praying everyday and we have lots praying for us. Hugs and love, Nan xxx

Holly said...

Sometimes it doesn't feel like it can come fast enough.

Once A Mother said...

I can only imagine how stressful this time is for you, but also think it is all normal (considering the circumstances) I feel in my heart though, that that sweet girl will be here, healthy, and happy. I look forward to reading your good news, and am praying for the time to fly for you.