I can't stop dreaming.
I can't stop being so terrified.
Today is May 11th. Exactly 2 months or 60 days until my due date.
All I can think is-what if?
What if I get to bring her home with me?
What if I get to be someone's mommy here on Earth?
I just have so many dreams. I can't stop thinking about them. I can't wait to just walk her around the block. Take her with me to Target. I want to talk to her. Read to her. I want to be responsible for her OUTSIDE of my stupid body that doesn't seem to get it right.
I want to plan mini trips. Pack her diaper bag. Figure out what makes her laugh and smile.
I have no idea how to take care of a baby. I mean, I know some things, but I have no experience. No little siblings, I only baby-sat for toddlers and up.
But I'm so desperate for this. So scared that I've come this far and that it's all going to be ripped away from me.
I want to see my husband's face when she comes out crying. I want to watch him hold her and speak to her and hug her and kiss her.
I want my mom to be able to buy things for her without me freaking out. I want to let all the people that love me shower her with love. I want all the people that have supported me over the past year be able to share in this joy with me.
I am so scared. 60 more days. How does it seem so far away and yet so close?