Monday, May 17, 2010

I just wish I knew.

Lately I've been thinking so much about what Aiden and Sophie would have been like.
I stare at my middle schoolers and wonder if Aiden would have been funny like that, or quiet like that, or if Sophie would have been interested in art or music.

I wonder which of my qualities they would've gotten and which of Brian's. I wonder what color their hair would have been. I wish I could have seen their eyes. I wish I would've not been so scared to touch them. I wish I would've unwrapped their blankets and looked at their tiny feet and hands. Kissed them more and felt all their little toes and fingers.

I just wish I knew.

I know there's no sense in looking back. In paying attention to the what ifs. What should have been. What could have been. But sometimes it's so hard not to think about it.

I miss them. And it's hard to miss somebody that you never *really* knew, right? In all the books about grief and grieving, they tell you that you should focus on happy memories, reminisce about the good times. Share stories.

There were no stories to reminisce about. 23 weeks and 3 days of knowing they were with me, a part of me, is not long enough. It's not nearly long enough.

I'm just sad. I know to focus on the forward, but sometimes it's just so hard.

13 comments:

Holly said...

I think we'll always wonder what they would be like.

With Out My Punkin said...

((hugs)) I wonder too, I think its natural.

Shanti Mama said...

I think it is the never really knowing them that is the hardest and it is hard for people to understand why you grieve when you have so few memories.

The what-ifs do sneak in no matter how much you try to keep them away.

Courtney said...

I wonder the same about the boys. Always have and probably always will.

*hugs*

Tina said...

Oh Christy...I so feel the same way. I wish I would have sang a song to my girls, inspected every inch of their tiny bodies, dressed them in something special...There are so many things I wish I would have done. However, I always try to tell myself that I did the best I could considering the state of shock and denial I was in. I think you did too. No one is ever prepared for something like this, we just have to know we did all we could. Thinking of you all. xx

Jen said...

Big hugs..I too always wonder what ella would have been like, what she would be doing..

Jill said...

I wish you knew too! I think wanting to know will always be a part of us.

AKD said...

I've been praying and thinking about this exact same thing lately. I wonder if Maddie's hair would be curly like mine, or straight. I wonder if she'd be as blonde as my husband and I are, if she'd sleep a lot or be active and awake. I think it's natural, too - especially when you're around children so often, you see the wide range of personalities and characteristics. Sending you so many hugs.

Emerging Butterfly said...

I think that the not knowing is part of what makes this kind of loss so painful. There are so few tangible memories of people we LOVED with our entire beings....the absence of it all makes it unbearable. ((HUG))

Michele said...

I wish I knew too. I wish we all did.

Hugs....

Catherine W said...

I often wonder how I can possibly grieve so much, and for so long, over a little girl who I hardly knew. Who was hardly here. Those 23 weeks and odd days with me and three and a bit days in hospital. But I think that the 'not knowing' is part of my grief. I grieve for all the things that I might have known about her, for all the stories that I could have had to cling on to. Instead there is hardly anything at all. Just my own imaginings and attempts to fill in the gaps.

You're right. It is not nearly long enough. The only length of time that would have been right is a life time.

Thinking of you and remembering Aiden and Sophie. xo

iamstacey said...

I wish they were with you, that you and your husband and your sweet baby on the way all would've known them, watched them grow up.

Kerry said...

Hi, Christy,
I don't usually get to leave you comments but am happy the box popped up for me on this post. I SO know what you mean -

"I wonder what color their hair would have been. I wish I could have seen their eyes. I wish I would've not been so scared to touch them. I wish I would've unwrapped their blankets and looked at their tiny feet and hands. Kissed them more and felt all their little toes and fingers."

I think these things about our little ones all the time, too. With the surgeries and the shock and the doctors of our triplets' unexpected birthday, I didn't get to do nearly enough of these things with our babies, and I so, so wish I had given them each a million kisses and taken so many more pictures (WHY was that the one day I left my camera home!?) and studied every tiny detail. I am so grateful for what I did do and what I do remember; I just wish there were more.

Happy 45 days to go and only 24 until term! You are doing great. I cannot wait to see the picture of you with your rainbow baby. xoxo