I stare at my middle schoolers and wonder if Aiden would have been funny like that, or quiet like that, or if Sophie would have been interested in art or music.
I wonder which of my qualities they would've gotten and which of Brian's. I wonder what color their hair would have been. I wish I could have seen their eyes. I wish I would've not been so scared to touch them. I wish I would've unwrapped their blankets and looked at their tiny feet and hands. Kissed them more and felt all their little toes and fingers.
I just wish I knew.
I know there's no sense in looking back. In paying attention to the what ifs. What should have been. What could have been. But sometimes it's so hard not to think about it.
I miss them. And it's hard to miss somebody that you never *really* knew, right? In all the books about grief and grieving, they tell you that you should focus on happy memories, reminisce about the good times. Share stories.
There were no stories to reminisce about. 23 weeks and 3 days of knowing they were with me, a part of me, is not long enough. It's not nearly long enough.
I'm just sad. I know to focus on the forward, but sometimes it's just so hard.