I'm stressed because our realtor is not communicating well with us right now and the move is getting so close and I'm afraid something will go wrong.
I'm nervous because of the GD and tomorrow I have to learn how to use a meter to test my blood sugar. I'm nervous that I'm hurting the baby.
I'm worried because in two weekends it is our March of Dimes walk and I don't know how I'll handle it emotionally and it's right next to Mother's Day, which I wish I could just ignore except I just love my mom so much.
And, really, I'm stressed about stuff? About buying stuff.
This baby can have stuff. Or she can't. Right? If I have it here when she's born, great. If I don't, great. If I have the stuff and the baby dies, then I get rid of it. It's just money. Right?
I mean, I wish that were right. I wish "stuff" didn't matter. But I just remember how badly that stuff hurt to have, to look at. How badly it hurt to find to-do lists and cancel classes and orders. To take the cribs apart and watch the excited parents come to buy our stuff off of a classified ad. To fold up the tiny clothes and put them in boxes knowing they never got to wear any of it.
But the thing is, I write a blog post like the last one and only a few people comment, and I know that I'm shutting people out. Only other lost baby moms that are pregnant commented. Am I reading too much into it? I don't think so. I worry that I'm worried about things that are offending other people who I just want to support :(
And then I think. I AM RIDICULOUS.
I need to relax. Stop worrying. Try to have hope. Do what I can do and nothing more. Have a shower or don't. Order it or don't.
I think there comes a point when you are worried about worrying too much and then you need to say, WHOA! You are going to make it through this.
So, the things is-moving will go fine. I've got the GD under control with diet so far (at least I think I do) and if I don't, I'll do whatever it takes to keep this baby safe and not too big.
I'll make a decision about a baby shower and I'll order the things that I want, and I will nest for this baby and do the things that make me happy.
And the common thread in all of this-it wouldn't be this hard except I miss Sophie and Aiden so.damn.much.
I just miss them. I just keep wishing, wishing that they were here. And that brings us right down to the point-the grief is always there. No matter what-it's at the fundamental basis of whatever is going on. Whatever you're worried about seems to be compounded by grief. Because it's not only "I've got GD," it's "I've got GD and my babies are dead."
I have to keep going. I have to stay strong. I can't let all this anxiety knock me down. I need to try to stay positive. And I'm writing this because I think it will help me to state it and stick to it.
I can do this.
I can make it through this.
I can handle having hope and living with grief at the same time.
I'm so close now-30 weeks.
I can do this.