Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Ridiculous

Right now, I feel like everything is just plain ridiculous. I am ridiculous. When I stop and think-really think-about the worries that I have right now-I feel insane. Almost like I don't even know who I really am.
I'm stressed because our realtor is not communicating well with us right now and the move is getting so close and I'm afraid something will go wrong.
I'm nervous because of the GD and tomorrow I have to learn how to use a meter to test my blood sugar. I'm nervous that I'm hurting the baby.
I'm worried because in two weekends it is our March of Dimes walk and I don't know how I'll handle it emotionally and it's right next to Mother's Day, which I wish I could just ignore except I just love my mom so much.

And, really, I'm stressed about stuff? About buying stuff.

Stuff.

This baby can have stuff. Or she can't. Right? If I have it here when she's born, great. If I don't, great. If I have the stuff and the baby dies, then I get rid of it. It's just money. Right?

I mean, I wish that were right. I wish "stuff" didn't matter. But I just remember how badly that stuff hurt to have, to look at. How badly it hurt to find to-do lists and cancel classes and orders. To take the cribs apart and watch the excited parents come to buy our stuff off of a classified ad. To fold up the tiny clothes and put them in boxes knowing they never got to wear any of it.

But the thing is, I write a blog post like the last one and only a few people comment, and I know that I'm shutting people out. Only other lost baby moms that are pregnant commented. Am I reading too much into it? I don't think so. I worry that I'm worried about things that are offending other people who I just want to support :(

And then I think. I AM RIDICULOUS.

I need to relax. Stop worrying. Try to have hope. Do what I can do and nothing more. Have a shower or don't. Order it or don't.

I think there comes a point when you are worried about worrying too much and then you need to say, WHOA! You are going to make it through this.

So, the things is-moving will go fine. I've got the GD under control with diet so far (at least I think I do) and if I don't, I'll do whatever it takes to keep this baby safe and not too big.

I'll make a decision about a baby shower and I'll order the things that I want, and I will nest for this baby and do the things that make me happy.

And the common thread in all of this-it wouldn't be this hard except I miss Sophie and Aiden so.damn.much.

I just miss them. I just keep wishing, wishing that they were here. And that brings us right down to the point-the grief is always there. No matter what-it's at the fundamental basis of whatever is going on. Whatever you're worried about seems to be compounded by grief. Because it's not only "I've got GD," it's "I've got GD and my babies are dead."

I have to keep going. I have to stay strong. I can't let all this anxiety knock me down. I need to try to stay positive. And I'm writing this because I think it will help me to state it and stick to it.

I can do this.
I can make it through this.
I can handle having hope and living with grief at the same time.
I'm so close now-30 weeks.
I can do this.
I can.


14 comments:

AKD said...

Oh, sweetie. I wish that none of these worries even existed, that there was just this promise that everything would be okay when we got pregnant.

You're going to do great with the monitor. I'm positive of it - you're orchestrating these other million things, you can do this in your sleep!

Tina said...

You are not being ridiculous. We know all to well the endless possibilities of something happening to our babies. We have first hand knowledge and experience in losing our children. You are not ridiculous, you are just scared...and that is okay.

I didn't have a chance to comment on your last post, but we have kind of had that same thing going on here. For a while now I have been at the point where I am seriously ready to talk about names for this baby, but Hutch isn't. Just recently he has been a little more open and serious about it. It kind of brings you down, but what do you do??

If it makes you feel any better, I am SOOO not prepared for this baby. No name, no place to sleep, no clothes to wear, no freshly cleaned carseat, not even a pacifier...I could go on and on, but I am overwhleming myself just thinking about it!

Stay positive Christy...everyday you are that much closer to bringing home your sweet girl! xx

Kathy said...

Oh Christy, I want to send you a hug today, It won't take any of your fears away but I want to let you know there are people who care. Yesterday when I read your post I did not comment however today I thought about you so often and wondered if you were feeling ok today. I too have travelled on your road and it is soooo bumpy. When we feel the road is getting smoother there is always a little bump ahead for us to get over. We hate the bumps. When we are weary from stress and sadness even a small bump seems like a big hill and to us it really is a big hill. 25 years later I still miss our baby daughter Sunshine. We have two beautiful children now but Sunshine will never be forgotten. The fear of what to buy was one that I had too and then we tried to follow our heart rather than our fears because fears are so powerful and they tend to get in place of our happiness. I just want to wish you lots of love and happiness, sometimes happiness comes in such tiny packages that we almost miss them, but Christy keep looking for them and bit by bit you will find them. Take care, and good luck with everything.

Kathy S.

Catherine W said...

Oh Christy. I'm so sure you can do this and so hopeful that you will.

I'm sorry that you feeling so anxious and "stuff" is such a dilemma.

I sometimes find it hard to comment on posts about subsequent pregnancies. Mainly because I haven't been there so I know that I don't really understand. So if there is one of my signature rambling comments missing that is why! x

Nan & Mike said...

YES!!! Ridiculous!!! But not unreasonable, I'm there with you. These comments made me feel bettr too. Stuff, just stuff, but its more than just stuff, its reality. We are still resisitent to believe that its all going to be ok, because if we let go fully, then we dont have any control like the last time. My thoughts anyhow.
Hugs and positive happy vibes being sent for a good brand new day. Love, Nan xxx

Hope's Mama said...

I understand. All of this. You are so NOT ridiculous.
And yes you can do this. You so can.
xo

Nan said...

PS...just wanted to add that i hope you dont think I was calling you ridiculous! I was just agreeing on what I feel too!!! xxx

Courtney said...

Big *hugs* You can do this, you ARE doing this. We are all here for you. I know what is going through your mind I honestly do. We all will get through this one day at a time is all we can do.

sending you much love my friend.

Shanti Mama said...

You CAN do this.
You CAN make it.
Your baby will be born healthly.

Just repeat those affirmations when the freight train of anxiety starts rolling, tell yourself you don't have to go there.

PS selling a home, moving, having a baby... these are all major life changes and anxiety producing events without layering on being a babylost mama. If you weren't feeling some anxiety I think that would be more worrisome!

Jen said...

not ridiculous AT ALL!! We know how the story is suppose to end, and we also know how it sometimes does..but I completely have faith that this pregnancy is going to end up with a very happy healthy baby to keep! just take it one day at a time and don't be so hard on yourself..you are almost there!! ((HUGS))

Rebuilding Myself said...

You can do this :) And you aren't ridiculous - I remember being a complete basketcase as well at that point of my pregnancy with Kai. You will make it hon!

And as a sidenote, my DH refused to get excited until he saw a live baby ... it was brutally hard on me, but it was his way of protecting himself from grief. Once Kai was here, the excitement kicked in like you wouldn't believe.

With Out My Punkin said...

YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!((((HUGS))))
You know what can happen and you are NOT being ridiculous!! Its all so hard, and I pray that this baby will come safe healthy!! If you have nothing its ok, you can get somethings after-not a big deal!! Take a deep breath and deal with things one thing and one day at a time. They are going to try and scare the bejesus out of you with the GD, you are not hurting your baby, your body takes what it needs for her from you. I will see if I can find some articles on it to send you. Deep breaths, you can and will do this! Sending you lots of love and a big ((((((((((HUG)))))))))))

Lori said...

Bless your heart. I just don't even have any words to say other than I am so sorry that these are the unfair worries you have.

It's not fair.

For the record, I'd totally buy the bedding. Don't let one second of what joy you can find be taken.

Holly said...

Yes, you can do it hun! There's just so much going on and so much to think about that it can make you feel ridiculous for thinking some things. It's ok!!