Sunday, April 11, 2010

April

It's over; they're gone.
It was a great experience-and thankfully, the woman who was with us knows our story and was really understanding about things. At this particular time, though, I'm really glad to have our house back-I just need some time alone.

I'm going through a strange phase right now. This entire time, all I've wanted to do is talk about the babies. Lately, though, I just don't want to talk about it out loud, with anyone except my husband. I mean-getting support is nice-essential, really-and I like knowing that people know how much I'm hurting and that they're thinking about me-but aloud, in person, I think for right now I've reached my threshold. It's hard to explain, really. But I'm just so....tired. Tired of it all. Tired of hurting. Tired of questions. Tired of analyzing. Tired of feeling. Tired of waiting, waiting for this moment to come and go. I just wish I was normal.
I wish no one had to think about me. I wish I wasn't this broken person that everyone had to think about all the time and worry about and worry that they aren't doing enough for me.
I know you'll all insist that I'm not, but I'm tired of being a burden.
I'm just tired.
I want to remember Sophie and Aiden on their special day-I want to be thankful that they were ever here instead of so sad that they are gone. But it's hard. Impossible, really. I'm just so sad. I'm just so jealous. I just can't stop wondering why I couldn't keep them safe. All of those "WHY? WHY?" are popping back into my head-the ones that there were in the initial stages of grief.

I want Tuesday to be over with-I want to know that I have survived this year-and when I didn't think I could survive a day, or a week-I did, and more.

My brain is having such a hard time with this anniversary while at the same time worrying endlessly about the new life that's inside of me. .

Honestly, all this, on top of working, moving, planning the March of Dimes walk-it's too much. I feel like I'm sinking. I know I'll get through, we always do. I've pretty much proven to myself, that no matter what it is, I can get through (with help, of course). But I wish it were over. I wish it were June 4th. We'd be settled into our new home and school would be over and I could just get ready for this baby and relax a little (ideally).

Well, really, this is all jumbling together and I cannot think coherently, so I am going to stop writing. Just wanted to get some of this down and let everyone know I'm still around :) I've been reading along with you and sending love and prayers and positive energy.

5 comments:

Lizy said...

Christy,
I am thinking of Sophie and Aiden and you... I want Wednesday to be over with... Their EDD.. I know how you feel. I cry as I read this because I am sad for you, for me, for all of us. I can't wait unti May 24th. It is our last day of school. I will just be relaxing all summer... I need it.. I am soo drained. Hugs from sunny Chicago, Lizy

margaret said...

It's almost impossible to fathom that we could survive a year without our children. Life can be so cruel yet beautiful all at the same time. Remembering your precious babes as you approach your anniversary. Hugs

Lisette said...

Oh sweety, thinking of you, Sophie and Aiden. You have been through so much and I can relate to feeling like a burden to other's. It is exhausting. Life is not fair, I wish it was. Praying for you, ((HUGS)).

AKD said...

"[w]hen I didn't think I could survive a day, or a week-I did, and more..." This phrase alone brought tears to my eyes, because it's so very true.

Thinking of Sophie and Aiden with you, and sending you hugs.

Abby Lynn said...

Christy~
Hi, just wanted to let you know I have had your family in my thoughts,an prayers.
Hope all is well.
CarrieAnn..mommy to angel Abby Lynn.