Monday, April 26, 2010

Let's Wait

So, we are all packed. Ready to go. Every thing from my house save for the big furniture and the clothes I'll need for Tuesday and Wednesday of work is packed, labeled, and in the garage waiting for the movers. The cupboards are cleaned out and the carpets cleaned and we.are.ready. Just so ready.
I can't wait to be in our new house. I can't wait to feel like something in my life has re-started, something I've been looking forward to!

So, anyway, last night I was sitting in bed with my laptop looking through nursery beddding. Something I know you don't need. It's like the least important thing that you need for a baby, probably. But I looooooove looking through it and dreaming. Dreaming of the nursery. I made a little registry and put all of the furniture that I want on it (white!). As I was looking there, I felt the strongest urge to just...order it. Order something. I was on Amazon, so I also had some books in my cart (introducing baby to dog, some books about birth) and with the nursery bedding it came to like 300 dollars or so. We have a lot of baby money saved up, and I thought....well, why not? I mean, really, why not? I had said I wouldn't buy anything until we moved, but I'm past 29 weeks now, and it will get there after we're in the new house, I got it all ready and prouldly turned to my husband and said, "Babe! Guess what? Look at the nursery bedding I'm going to order!"
He looked at me and honestly, he looked terrified. And then he said, "I thought we were waiting until we moved?"
And I said, "Well, I thought that this was close enough?"
And he just said, "I think we should wait."

I was so not expecting this. It just crumbled me. I was so excited and proud that I was going to take that step-I don't know. I honestly don't know if it was because of the money-if it was because he just thought I should stick to what I said-or if he really still feels as scared as I do. But I was afraid to ask. Usually, I just will-I'm pretty up front communication wise.

But instead, I cried myself silently to sleep, wondering if he was going through all the ways this baby could still die before she is born. I started to hate myself for the gestational diabetes that I may or may not have. I thought about her movement and that maybe I'm not feeling enough and should be going into L & D. Wondering if he had some sort of gut feeling that something is going to go wrong that I don't have.

How can I be so happy and sure one second and after "Let's wait" I'm back into that pit, falling, falling, falling? Darkness, despair.

This is insane. Honestly. I'm pretty sure I read that in your third trimester those crazy hormones come back, and I'm pretty sure that I've got them---


Nan said...

Hi honey,
Im so sorry, I am not sure if you read my blog, but I have been up and down too just like you, I always wonder if the hormones are coming back strong, and plus I have prog. shots, but it feels like more. Like more anxiety of what is to come, will she come and will we be try to move two steps forward and then fall 3 steps back crying, and it feels like you are on the grief roller coaster riding back to back turns on it.
And, to let you know we are really in similar places, I decided order bedding this past Saturday night. How I did it was after many choices I narrowed it down to three, and then let Mike decide on which one we would buy, so he had some control. I did the same thing with the mattress. I know its not the same reaction you got, but maybe you could tell hubby that you were sorry to leap before he was ready, but that you really need to do this to help you move forward and would he like to help you choose a few things? Its just a few things so I know you feel like why not, right? I feel the same way.
These are the little steps that you and I must take to feel a little more positive at this point, even though we know that at any time something can happen.
I know I want to convey so much more to you but I cannot get my thoughts together! But I saw the shrink today and she said allowing ourselves to buy a few things is wonderful and moving forward so positively. I hope you get to order something soon, and soon you will start fresh in your new house and hopefully feel alot better.
Sending you hugs and love, Nan xxx

Bree said...

That has happen a few times with us. Eventually, I stopped asking and just started ordering. I liked the title of Nan's last post- In Between Grief and Hope. I think there are several of us there right now. You are not alone. I worry probably 95% of the time. The other 5, I feel hopeful. I am looking forward to when we have our sweet girls in our arms alive and well. Soon enough we'll be emailing each other about breastfeeding and diaper rash. xo

AKD said...

Oh, sweetie, I'm so sorry. I know what a big step it is to feel like you can order something, and that had to just be devastating.

You're so normal for the worries. I feel like baby kicks a ton, but I STILL worry that she's not moving around enough. Then, if she's moving a lot, I worry that it's too much and that she'll have a problem with the cord or something. I don't think there's ever a moment when we stop worrying. I am sending you so much love and so many good thoughts.

Courtney said...

It my short 18 weeks of this rainbow pregnancy I can assure you, we both have had those ups and the downs. It just isn't fair, all that we have been through to have our nerves strung out with our rainbow pregnancy.

I'm so sorry my dear friend, I hope things ease up on you both and wish you the best of luck with moving.


Shanti Mama said...

Just order it, I started to and stopped asking. The start in the new home will make you feel so much better. It is OK to feel excited about this new baby, she is almost here. You can enjoy it and buy whatever baby stuff you think you may need. Let yourself nest.