So, we are all packed. Ready to go. Every thing from my house save for the big furniture and the clothes I'll need for Tuesday and Wednesday of work is packed, labeled, and in the garage waiting for the movers. The cupboards are cleaned out and the carpets cleaned and we.are.ready. Just so ready.
I can't wait to be in our new house. I can't wait to feel like something in my life has re-started, something I've been looking forward to!
So, anyway, last night I was sitting in bed with my laptop looking through nursery beddding. Something I know you don't need. It's like the least important thing that you need for a baby, probably. But I looooooove looking through it and dreaming. Dreaming of the nursery. I made a little registry and put all of the furniture that I want on it (white!). As I was looking there, I felt the strongest urge to just...order it. Order something. I was on Amazon, so I also had some books in my cart (introducing baby to dog, some books about birth) and with the nursery bedding it came to like 300 dollars or so. We have a lot of baby money saved up, and I thought....well, why not? I mean, really, why not? I had said I wouldn't buy anything until we moved, but I'm past 29 weeks now, and it will get there after we're in the new house, and....so I got it all ready and prouldly turned to my husband and said, "Babe! Guess what? Look at the nursery bedding I'm going to order!"
He looked at me and honestly, he looked terrified. And then he said, "I thought we were waiting until we moved?"
And I said, "Well, I thought that this was close enough?"
And he just said, "I think we should wait."
I was so not expecting this. It just crumbled me. I was so excited and proud that I was going to take that step-I don't know. I honestly don't know if it was because of the money-if it was because he just thought I should stick to what I said-or if he really still feels as scared as I do. But I was afraid to ask. Usually, I just will-I'm pretty up front communication wise.
But instead, I cried myself silently to sleep, wondering if he was going through all the ways this baby could still die before she is born. I started to hate myself for the gestational diabetes that I may or may not have. I thought about her movement and that maybe I'm not feeling enough and should be going into L & D. Wondering if he had some sort of gut feeling that something is going to go wrong that I don't have.
How can I be so happy and sure one second and after "Let's wait" I'm back into that pit, falling, falling, falling? Darkness, despair.
This is insane. Honestly. I'm pretty sure I read that in your third trimester those crazy hormones come back, and I'm pretty sure that I've got them---
19 hours ago