Ten Months

I know I need to update you on yesterday-but I can't seem to do it because, you see-today is ten months since Sophie and Aiden were born.
At this exact time (6:45 am) I was on my way to the hospital hoping that it was somehow just gas, that I wasn't going into labor, that the infection wasn't spreading and that my body wasn't actually TRYING to push my babies out before they were ready.
I was not lucky. I got there and hooked up and I was definitely contracting. The whole two weeks after my water broke, the doctor had said we could try to give birth to Sophie and then hunker down and try to keep Aiden in longer since his water sack was still in tact.
Now he was saying no. That the infection would kill me and he had to come to. No choice.
But then I had choices.
C-Section? Vaginal birth?
Epidural?
I didn't seem to care. Only I did. Because choices then would affect subsequent pregnancies.

I look back sometimes and it seems just like a dream. Like I wasn't even there.

I was so ready for the ultrasound yesterday. I had myself geared up. Ready to do it.

Then I laid on the table and the first questions out of the ultrasound tech's mouth was, "Is this your first pregnancy?"

And then my mind started racing. And Sophie and Aiden were right in that room with me. And as she continued on with the seemingly relentless questions, "What do you have at home?"

What do you think she'd have done had I said, "Two urns."?

Anyway, I digress.

Sophie and Aiden were there with me. I could feel it.

I miss them. I don't know how to miss them the right way, I don't think, but I miss them. I really find it hard to believe that we have survived 10 months without them. I know time will continue to march on. But sometimes it's hard to believe.

I promise I will give you an update about the appointment, but just know everything went well, and c'est une fille!