Saturday, February 20, 2010


Today, I am 20 weeks pregnant.
It's getting into this really, really, really scary zone.
I was 21.3 when my water broke around baby A (my daughter).
I think about a week before that, I saw a part of my mucous plug but had no idea what it was.

20 weeks is a milestone, though, right? At 20 weeks I can go straight to labor and delivery and bypass the emergency room if I have questions or if I'm scared or whatever, and I like that. I HATE the emergency room (and I know you all love it, right? I know I'm not alone here). I guess if something happened today, it would no longer be called a "miscarriage." I don't know if that's really important, but it seems significant to me, like I've passed some hurdle or something. (I am not at all trying to diminish the pain of a miscarriage-and honestly I think 20 weeks is kind of a joke for that "limit" but, -ugh, it's so hard to write anything without worrying that I'm hurting someone reading this-please ignore me if I am).

I've become sort of superstitious. I won't wear any clothes I wore when I was pregnant with the twins. All my maternity clothes are kept in a bin that I need only put the lid on and store away somewhere.

We have repainted our bedroom, moved the bed, and taken the clock off the wall (so I can never look up and see 9:40). We have new sheets and new blankets and new pillows. I won't use my $100 pregnancy pillow, no matter how badly my hips hurt.

I won't keep any to-do lists. Won't doodle this baby's name anywhere (although right now she is going by an acronym, ACC, for the 3 names we are still choosing between). Certainly I'm not signing up for any baby things or making any registries.

At school I have one week's worth of "emergency" lesson plans done. I've printed a list of my schedule, my students, how to log-in to all the important computer programs. I've contacted the nice woman who covered for me during last year's emergency, and she is "praying for me" but definitely on call should we need her again.

I've packed a bag. It has a camera, a baby blanket, some toiletries, a change of clothes, and important phone numbers and a calling card.

It's what I assume it's like to prepare for a hurricane. One that you know has an uncertain path-it could come right through your town, so you'd better be ready-but it could take a completely different path and miss you altogether.

I saw a psychologist who specializes in my kind of issues on Friday. She was very nice and I think she'll be helpful. She diagnosed me with ptsd, which I was not at all surprised about. She wants to see me very frequently over the next few weeks. At the end of the appointment, she asked, "What do you think you'll feel like once you get to 25, maybe 26 weeks?"

I didn't know what to say. I don't know. Grateful? Relieved? Still terrified? And how does she know I will get there?

I'm not sure I like being asked to speculate about this! It's like saying aloud to someone that I'm feeling rather good physically lately (KNOCK ON WOOD). I feel as though I'm going to get jinxed.

Crossing my fingers and toes and all the rest (my eyes, too, maybe?). Hunkering down for these next few weeks. Fighting the demons and hoping against hope that this baby can survive. That we might have a baby girl to bring home.


Tina said...

Oh Christy, I am so sorry this pregnancy has to be this way for you. It is so hard not to relate eveything about it to the twins...I know. I hope the therapist is helpful to you and gives you some reassurance. Please know I and keeping everything crossed for you too!! xx

Emerging Butterfly said...

I always had a safety zone too...I "knew" that if I could carry a baby past the first trimester, I was home free...would even go over due for crying out loud. Simon and Alexander passed that mental home base. Made it to "viability".


Not to freak you out or anything...because I think you deserve calm feelings with your present baby...I think you deserve to breath deeply, and hopefully.

But when my 17 year old lay near death because of a stupid accident, I think I understood, that our babies....are always...always at risk. Because life is precious, and fragile. It is ALSO vivacious. Babies DO live. They DO thrive. They are so often born that our world is full of people. SO many people. I have to cling to this understanding. A lot of babies don't make it. A lot of children don't make it. A lot of teens don't make it...and then...a lot of people won't die old. And YET...a lot....A LOT...of them DO make it.

And your baby...this precious baby that you want so much....this a different baby. And it has as much chance as all the babies that DO make it. And that is what you need to focus on...if you can. is just as real a story not making it. JUST AS REAL...and a lot happier. ((HUG))

Wishing for peace in your heart, to surround your little one. You never stop worrying as a mom. not really. Just...breathe...because, it is likely that everything will be....perfect. I hope with all my heart that you feel supported by these words. That is the know that bad things can happen...have happened to YOU. You know this, so you can't pretend you don't. But also know that good things can happen to. And CAN happen to you. (HUG)

Krista said...

I was totally superstitious as well! My dates were within a month of each other so I felt like I was reliving certain moments and it totally freaked me out. I even made a friend "babysit" me on Wednesday nights because J was gone and I didn't want to be alone because that was the night my water broke. And, because it was storming when I was driving to the hospital that night, I cried every Wed night that it stormed this time around because I was positive life was going to repeat itself. i also would not wear certain outfits on certain days! Glad to hear that I am not the only one that did this!!!

We definitely don't get to enjoy pregnancy like other "normal" people do! Always praying for you and that precious little girl!

Courtney said...

Oh I so know what you mean. I'm trying to avoid things I did with the boys, certain clothes I wore, certain things I ate, certain times.

I wish we just knew our babies where coming home with us like we had a grieving mothers guarantee.


Nan & Mike said...

Ditto, on just about everything (HUGS) hang in there sweet girl xoxoxxo

AKD said...

I just can't express how much you spoke to my heart there - I know exactly what you mean, the fear is immobilizing. I'm thinking of you, and hoping for the last half of your pregnancy to go as well as the first.

Akul's mama said...

Hoping and praying with you...for that is all I can do. Hugssssss

Holly said...

20 wks is definitely a milestone in my eyes. I hope that your meetings with the psychologist will help you through this time.

Catherine W said...

Oh I wish I had something better to say, some kind of guarantee that it would all be alright.

Thinking of you so much. I would definitely be superstitious in the same ways if I was ever to be pregnant again myself. I've kept all my maternity clothes from when I was pregnant with the twins but I don't think I'd wear them again.

Much love, hang on in there. xo

Just Breathe said...

I will pray for your comfort and strength.
I have read this many time and with good reason. How can you not worry after where you have been.
When that beautiful baby is in your arms and you are on your way home you will feel great, I get that. I think that seeing someone is a great idea. I hope it helps you. I am praying for perfection.
Take care and God Bless.

Mary said...

I can't imagine what it will be like. If it makes you feel better, it sounds to me like you are handling it quite well! And, as an L & D nurse, I am SOOO glad you can skip the ER and go straight to the floor now. They really know nothing about pregnancy down there! Now you can go where you will be taken well care of!!! =0)

Bluebird said...

You sound so like me it's frightening :)

And yes, in my opinion, 20 weeks is a HUGE milestone. Probably not to the rest of the world because it's not viability or etc., but it definitely matters and I'm so happy for you that you're here.

Bree said...

I had the same thoughts at 20 wks and I went through the same thing at work before I left. I too am usually very superstitious, but try not to think about those types of things anymore. One because I feel there's no rhyme or reason for why I lost Ella (except maybe an infection or a crap cervix), and two because it all becomes too overwhelming to thing about. I'm sorry this is so difficult, but I'm so glad we don't have to do it alone. :) Thinking of you- Tues will 21.3 for you then?

Ps- I probably cursed myself, but I started a small registry. I don't know why. Maybe bc I didn't get to before. I needed something to look forward to, something to give me hope. Still don't think I'll have a shower, though. We'll see...