Saturday, February 13, 2010

Ten Months

I know I need to update you on yesterday-but I can't seem to do it because, you see-today is ten months since Sophie and Aiden were born.
At this exact time (6:45 am) I was on my way to the hospital hoping that it was somehow just gas, that I wasn't going into labor, that the infection wasn't spreading and that my body wasn't actually TRYING to push my babies out before they were ready.
I was not lucky. I got there and hooked up and I was definitely contracting. The whole two weeks after my water broke, the doctor had said we could try to give birth to Sophie and then hunker down and try to keep Aiden in longer since his water sack was still in tact.
Now he was saying no. That the infection would kill me and he had to come to. No choice.
But then I had choices.
C-Section? Vaginal birth?
Epidural?
I didn't seem to care. Only I did. Because choices then would affect subsequent pregnancies.

I look back sometimes and it seems just like a dream. Like I wasn't even there.

I was so ready for the ultrasound yesterday. I had myself geared up. Ready to do it.

Then I laid on the table and the first questions out of the ultrasound tech's mouth was, "Is this your first pregnancy?"

And then my mind started racing. And Sophie and Aiden were right in that room with me. And as she continued on with the seemingly relentless questions, "What do you have at home?"

What do you think she'd have done had I said, "Two urns."?

Anyway, I digress.

Sophie and Aiden were there with me. I could feel it.

I miss them. I don't know how to miss them the right way, I don't think, but I miss them. I really find it hard to believe that we have survived 10 months without them. I know time will continue to march on. But sometimes it's hard to believe.

I promise I will give you an update about the appointment, but just know everything went well, and c'est une fille!

10 comments:

Krista said...

A girl????

Sorry that those memories are creeping up on you. Sometimes it is so hard to celebrate the LO that is with you when you are still mourning the little ones that aren't with you.

Jill said...

Thinking of your sweet Sophie and Aiden! xo

MOM 2 SMOK said...

I am so sorry that the ultrasound was so hard, I know how anxious you must have been and those relentless questions must have been hard to handle when you were just trying to enjoy the moment. None the less congrats on "c'est une fille "!

Tina said...

So glad to hear everything went well. It is so hard to be back in the u/s room looking at that screen. And I despise the question, "Is this your 1st baby?" I usually just say no and leave it at that, but when they question me further and I say it is my fifth, I feel like I have to explain. Anyway, can't wait to hear about the u/s!!! xx

Kristy said...

Happy 10 months precious Aiden and Sophie. Keep watch over your new baby sister, please.

Its funny because last night as I checked in on my blog to look for an update from you, I thought to myself "shes having a girl"...I was right! Though I know the other day I said I thought was a boy, ha.

You are in my thoughts, my friend. xo

margaret said...

Ten months seems like an eternity without your sweet babies. I am so glad to hear that Sophie and Aiden were there in the room with you when you found out your precious babe is a girl!!! Thinking of you and ALL your babies today. Hugs

AKD said...

I hate that they ask you at every appt if this is your first pregnancy. You say no, but that just leads to more questions. I'm so glad that Sophie and Aiden were there with you, watching over you all. I'm so glad the baby is well.

Catherine W said...

Sorry about the awkward questions. Those still knock the wind out of me even after eighteen months of rehearsing how to answer them.

A girl!xo

withoutmypunkin said...

((hugs))

Michele said...

I just read through your archives... Thinking of you... Happy 10m birthday, Sophie and Aiden!