Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Are you irritated without reason?

Anxiety \Anx*i"e*ty\, n.; pl. Anxieties. [L. anxietas, fr. anxius: cf. F. anxi['e]t['e]. See Anxious.]

1. Concern or solicitude respecting some thing or event, future or uncertain, which disturbs the mind, and keeps it in a state of painful uneasiness. [1913 Webster]

2. Eager desire. --J. D. Forbes [1913 Webster]

3. (Med.) A state of restlessness and agitation, often with general indisposition and a distressing sense of oppression at the epigastrium. --Dunglison. [1913 Webster]

Syn: Care; solicitude; foreboding; uneasiness; perplexity; disquietude; disquiet; trouble; apprehension; restlessness. See Care. [1913 Webster]

Couldn't have said it better myself.
The days for me are fine. I am busy (especially busy with work, which is more like an annoyance) and I don't think about it much. Well, except every time I go to the bathroom. Or look at a calendar. But otherwise I'm good.
It's at night when the fear creeps in. Will tonight be the night? Will today be the last day that I was blessed to be pregnant?
I am fighting this. I want to fight it.
My counselor told me that grief can cloud over your true intuition.
So these little tiny pregnancy symptoms that I'm having, are they intuition? Or me just being an anxious freak?

Twice now I've had myself ready to go to the Emergency Room. Until I get ready to go and realize I don't have a thing to say to them when I get there. Um, I have a feeling I am having "silent contractions." Why? Because I read about it on google, that's why. Or that I think my cervix is secretly dialiting but I have no pressure or pain or increased discharge.
Because I know what can happen and I just want to be checked out? And why didn't I go to my normal doctor for that?

Well, because he is "booked solid."

Do I have to bypass the receptionist or something? Who do I call to pull some strings or something for me? And what do I say. I just want to be checked. I don't have an appointment until next Friday. It just honestly seems like a lifetime away for me.

I just want reassurance. I want that damn vagina wand to tell me that my cervix is fine. There was absolutely NO evidence that what happened last time was my cervix. Immediately after my water broke I went to the ER and my cervix was closed and hard and there was no funneling.

I hate this guessing game. I hate not knowing. I hate the fact that I want SO badly to know that I won't have to leave this baby in the morgue. Where I left two already.

I want this baby (of course). But I wish they were here. If they were here I wouldn't know this fear or this pain or this feeling that time is literally standing still.

I feel like a broken record. I can remember being a kid and the record would skip and we'd have to put a nickel on it. I wish I could do that. Skip right over the scratches. The scratches put there by me jumping around to Cyndi Lauper when I should have been upstairs doing my homework.

I have no original thoughts. I'm paralyzed with this. I'm stuck. In a rut, we'll say.

I'm sure you are all sick of reading this, too. Some of you might be saying, you should just count your blessings that you are pregnant right now.

I get it. I should. I wish I could shake this. I wish I had confidence that my body would work this time. That it will do what it is supposed to. That it won't let me down.

Im sorry. I'm sorry that this is the only thing I can say.

I called to tell the nurse that I wasn't able to sleep. That when i get into bed I am haunted by my water breaking. That I can't roll over without wondering if when I get there my water will burst.

She asked, "Are you irritated or angry without reason?"

Um. Don't ask my husband that.

"Are you having thoughts about hurting yourself or the fetus?"

Nice question, lady. The fetus? Why does that word make me want to scream at someone?

Irritated without reason much?

I just think-why do you think depression? I don't want to hurt myself. On the contrary, I want to transport me to a place where my body is perfect and will complete this pregnancy.

Anxeity is different than depression. It's just different.

I need to go relax. Nice, soft music. Lights off and a candle burning for Sophie and Aiden. Breathing and focusing and figuring this out rationally.


2andcounting said...

I agree with you. The doctor tells me I am doing fine and that my cervix is nice and strong, but every little pain I want to run to the hospital. But I don't. What am I suppose to say to them? They will look at me like I am crazy. I also agree with you about waiting on appointments. My doctor doesn't see me enough. I feel like I am waiting a lifetime between appointments.

Shanti Mama said...

Yup, I know. I was in this place too. I was having attacks regularly and had to work to stop the freight train of anxiety (it feels like that, once it starts it is hard to stop). I can relate to so much what you are talking about. I have worked hard to manage it and some days I can slip back too.

My water broke too with my son and there was no warning other than I went into labor. I know what you are talking about. I also get the anxious bathroom visits to check to make sure there is no bleeding, though there is nothing to make me think there is.

It is a sort of fight everyday against my anxiety. I have found that a couple things have helped:

1) I meditate A LOT- it helps the racing mind. The anxious mind. You can also do guided meditations-- you can find them on iTunes. Check out some.
2) I spend time connecting with this baby I am pregnant with and try to be here in this moment. I don't want to miss a moment with this baby because sadly, we know what can happen.
3) I continue working with a therapist. The dr.'s office will never get this unless they have been there (one of my OBs lost a baby at 19 weeks, he gets it and talks to me about it). I was so annoyed by that nurses response to you!
4) Recognize when you are anxious and call it that instead of the truth of what is really happening. Again, try to bring yourself back to the present and what IS really happening.

I try to do these things, but sometimes it is so damn hard. All we can do is try our best and take it day by day.

I know we are due right around the same time (it seems sooooo far away). Please email me if you need to, I would love to talk more and like the company of someone who is there in it too.

Hugs to you Christy.

AKD said...

Oh, Christy - I wish I could give you the world's biggest hug. I know exactly what you're feeling - I spontaneously cry and panic here. I am so scared every second, and I can't control it.

The difference between us and being crazy, though, is that we've seen the worst. We got attacked by a tiger, and now we're on the watch for a second one - because we don't know where it is, or if it's even there. We love and want these babies ferociously, and that is our "weakness." I also tire of hearing myself, but I think it's just caring so much. You're a wonderful mother. :)

Marie W said...

I could have written this post myself! We will always be anxious when pregnant after a loss. I say. if you feel off----- bug the hell out of them. Thats what they are being paid for. Have you thought about renting a doppler? Sending you love and hugs!

margaret said...

I suffered extreme anxiety after finding out Calvin had a heart defect. I started seeing a reproductive psychiatrist. Our therapy sessions helped me voice my fears and she validated my feelings which was so important for me. Most of the doctors I had seen when I was worried things were going wrong simply dismissed me by telling me that things were okay but it didn't stop me from being afraid. Not only did my doctor help me cope with her sessions but she gave me a copy of the book she had written about mood disorders in pregnancy AND prescribed me a low dose of ativan to help me relax a bit. Maybe if you can find a reproductive psychiatrist, she can help you work through some of your fears like mine did. I know I was better for having seen her. Sending you hugs

Holly said...

I hope that you can get some reassurance soon! I'm buying a doppler tomorrow to give a little peace of mind.

Nan & Mike said...

I read that and nodded yes the entire way down. You are soooo not alone my sweet friend! You know that though. I would definitely push for an immediate doc appt whenever you feel you need the reassurance, that is what they are there for! Booked solid or not, you are their patient and they took you on so your word is gospel :) Even having weekly appts makes you feel like the appt cant come soon enough. Hang in there!!! xoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxox

Akul's mama said...

We talked about this anxiety at our support group meeting last night and all LBMs said that when they got pregnant after losing a baby the 9 months of pregnancy were a nightmare. Just like other LBMs I cannot tell you that everything will be ok but I can hope and pray with you. Sending love and strength your way.

PB&J said...

My placenta abrupted at 40 weeks. That "never" happens so I was told. I have no reason. I have no answers. I have nobody to be angry with. Just my body and I hate that.

I think.... there should be a separate ER in the maternaty ward JUST FOR US.. BLM's so we can go anytime we want and say things like. I am having No pain but am FREAKED out... That would be a great place - Wishing you all the peace I can.

Kristy said...

You are more then allowed to be anxious and nervous. Its normal, especially coming off of what you went through with Aiden and Sophie. Let it all out, bitch and moan to us day in and day out if you have to. Thats what we are here for. Yes you are carrying a beautiful miracle in your belly, but that doesn't mean that you aren't allowed to mourn what you have lost, or be worried about the "what ifs". You do enjoy your pregnancy, you are happy you are pregnant, and just because you are scared that doesn't negate anything good that you feel too. Give yourself a break hun. xoxo

withoutmypunkin said...

(((HUGS))) I too have anxiety :(
I hope that you can take things slow and find some peace, I know its hard, but try and stay positive, its very very hard and easier said than done. I am here walking this path too, we can do it!!! ((hugs))