Saturday, February 13, 2010

Ok, a double post kind of day.

I am miserable. And so happy. And terrified. And so full of hope.
Today is ten months since Sophie and Aiden were born.
Also, yesterday I found out I am having a girl. A beautiful, squirmy, right on size, girl. I got to see her moving all around during the ultrasound, dodging the techns pictures, yawning and stretching out her legs. The u/s went really well. She weights 10 oz. and is in the 40th percentile. My cervix was 4.15, which is great. It was long and closed, no funneling. I"ll have it checked in 2 weeks again. My doctor was very happy (and in a great mood) and one of the nurses we knew from the twins' birth saw us come in and asked to see us, and she was so kind. She gave me her card and said her phone is always on and that I can call her whenever I want and anytime I want to come in just to hear hearttones or whatever, she can do it.

But after the u/s was over, I didn't necessarily feel better. I'm sure a lot of you can relate to this, because I had an absolutely just as perfect ultrasound with Aiden and Sophie. I was just going along, thinking everything was great, and WHAM. Infection is creepy like that. I had no clue whatsoever that I even had one. So reassuring news is somehow not that reassuring.

After the ultrasound, we drove home to my mom's house because B had a meeting in Milwaukee to go to. My mom was so excited, which I am glad about. I could feel hope seeping back into my heart.
And it scares the COMPLETE crap out of me. This hope scares me. It's almost like I don't want it. We went to Target today. I loathe Target. I haven't been able to walk past the baby section without wanting to hurl someone through a window since last March. But when I walked by, I was drawn in. Now, the plan was to buy an outfit for new baby. Which I did (well, my mom did). I picked out a dress, some hairbows, and a blanket. I only did it today because I was with my mom, who lives 3.5 hours from me.
And I wanted to keep looking. I wanted to put every little girly thing in my cart.
Just like that, these dreams popped into my head. Dreams of a little girl and barbies and outfits and taking her shopping and out to lunch and I lost myself for a moment.
And then I came crashing back down.
How dare I hope for this?
I am only 19 weeks pregnant. I have a looooooooooooong road to a healthy baby.
What was I thinking?
How did my brain let these dreams back in? I've done all I can to suppress them.
And back they came.
I feel like such a cheat. Like such a horrible mother to the twins. Today is THEIR day, and I spent it dreaming about this new baby and buying baby clothes.
Shit.
This is freaking impossible.

11 comments:

margaret said...

You don't need to feel horrible for hoping and dreaming of your new daughter. While it may be Sophie and Aiden's day, I'm sure they are looking down with love on you for having some happiness again. I know you're scared to hope and I don't know if there is anything that will make you feel reassured until your daughter is safe within your arms but know that we are pulling for you and your girl and no matter what, we will always remember your precious twins. Hugs

Tina said...

I get it Christy. But try to remember that Sophie & Aiden want you to be happy and I bet they are very excited about their new baby sister. It is ok to let yourself be happy about her, I know it is scary too, but try to let yourself go there and don't be upset when you do. xx
P.S. What an amazing nurse!!

Kristy said...

No no no Christy, you need to let yourself have those moments. You know on this journey, that you don't always feel hopeful, you don't always have hope. You had hope today, you were happy today. Enjoy it and don't think for a second that you are hurting Aiden and Sophie. They are looking down and smiling on you every day, they are taking care of their baby sister. Lots of xo, my friend.

AKD said...

You deserve these moments of hope and happiness, Christy. Just as Sophie and Aiden love your new baby, you will make sure that they are a part of the baby's life. Their story will go on, partially through their sibling.

I am so happy for your healthy little girl. Thinking of you!

Catherine W said...

Oh sweetheart. You aren't a horrible mother to Sophie & Aiden. You love them, you love their little sister. You just want to look after her.

withoutmypunkin said...

Congrats on the baby girl! Good for you for getting her something for her! It has taken me a LONG time many positive thoughts for you!

Bluebird said...

A double post kind of day indeed :) So much to process. . . so much to be happy about, and sad about. . . the life of a babylost mom can be exhausting!

After our anatomy scan I *told* myself that I was going to buy this little one something of his own but I couldn't seem to find just the right thing, and so I didn't for quite a while. I'm so glad you had your mom, and I'm so glad you went shopping and were able to find some fun things :)

Maybe we can figure out a way to set up our little ones one day! I mean, one day far far far down the road when they're, like, 40 years old and allowed to date!

Michele said...

I just found you through another blog. I delivered my twins, Nicholas and Sophia, and their baby brother, Alexander, too preterm to survive. I'm thinking of you and sending you vibes in your pregnancy with your sweet girl.

iamstacey said...

Yay, a little girl! I'm so excited for you! I'm so sorry that every time you think of her, it reminds you of the loss. i can't imagine how hard it is to have so much joy and so much sorrow all tied up together. I hope soon the joy will start outweighing the sadness!

christybhatnagar said...

I so very strongly get this girl. You are not a horrible mother - you weren't before and you aren't now. I think we are due on almost exactly the same day (someday we really need to discuss the part where we're both named Christy, both lost kids in the last year, and both are having babies on the same due date this time. I can't decide if this is funny or alarming or simply a product of the popularity of our name in the 70s.)

Where was I? Oh right. I get it. I haven't even looked at baby boy clothes since last year. No and a thousand times no. Could not do it. I did exactly the same thing yesterday - we learned we were having a boy and I marched out and bought him an outfit. For me it's about claiming him; claiming him as my son and fiercely imprinting him on us. I definitely have my "ohhhhh crap" moments though. And I think it's important to just be where you are. If you're happy one day then be happy and excited and joyful and do things for your girl. If you're not feeling it one day then don't. Whatever you do, don't beat yourself up about it though. I think it's okay to just "be."

Rebuilding Myself said...

Such a tough balancing act, isn't it? So glad to hear that the scan went well ... congratulations on baby girl. And know that Aidan and Sophie would want you to be happy, even as you remember their loss with sadness. Wishing you all the best as you continue to hold your breathe on this roller coaster ride.