I am miserable. And so happy. And terrified. And so full of hope.
Today is ten months since Sophie and Aiden were born.
Also, yesterday I found out I am having a girl. A beautiful, squirmy, right on size, girl. I got to see her moving all around during the ultrasound, dodging the techns pictures, yawning and stretching out her legs. The u/s went really well. She weights 10 oz. and is in the 40th percentile. My cervix was 4.15, which is great. It was long and closed, no funneling. I"ll have it checked in 2 weeks again. My doctor was very happy (and in a great mood) and one of the nurses we knew from the twins' birth saw us come in and asked to see us, and she was so kind. She gave me her card and said her phone is always on and that I can call her whenever I want and anytime I want to come in just to hear hearttones or whatever, she can do it.
But after the u/s was over, I didn't necessarily feel better. I'm sure a lot of you can relate to this, because I had an absolutely just as perfect ultrasound with Aiden and Sophie. I was just going along, thinking everything was great, and WHAM. Infection is creepy like that. I had no clue whatsoever that I even had one. So reassuring news is somehow not that reassuring.
After the ultrasound, we drove home to my mom's house because B had a meeting in Milwaukee to go to. My mom was so excited, which I am glad about. I could feel hope seeping back into my heart.
And it scares the COMPLETE crap out of me. This hope scares me. It's almost like I don't want it. We went to Target today. I loathe Target. I haven't been able to walk past the baby section without wanting to hurl someone through a window since last March. But when I walked by, I was drawn in. Now, the plan was to buy an outfit for new baby. Which I did (well, my mom did). I picked out a dress, some hairbows, and a blanket. I only did it today because I was with my mom, who lives 3.5 hours from me.
And I wanted to keep looking. I wanted to put every little girly thing in my cart.
Just like that, these dreams popped into my head. Dreams of a little girl and barbies and outfits and taking her shopping and out to lunch and I lost myself for a moment.
And then I came crashing back down.
How dare I hope for this?
I am only 19 weeks pregnant. I have a looooooooooooong road to a healthy baby.
What was I thinking?
How did my brain let these dreams back in? I've done all I can to suppress them.
And back they came.
I feel like such a cheat. Like such a horrible mother to the twins. Today is THEIR day, and I spent it dreaming about this new baby and buying baby clothes.
This is freaking impossible.
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