The Rollercoaster

So, Thursday I called the nurse at my doctor's office and cried hysterically into the phone. She listened, and was very kind, and when I told her that I wanted to be seen earlier but that my doctor was "booked solid" she said, "Well, didn't the receptionist offer you to see a midwife or another doctor in the meantime, just to have a checkup and listen to hearttones?"
Well, no. No, she did not!
So...she hooked me up with a different doctor, a colleague of my docs. For the next day! So yesterday, I went, feeling nervous. My blood pressure was down from last time (when I sit in the room-it skyrockets-and this was a dift room) and she was SOOOOOO nice. She was opposite my doctor in the way that she kept reassuring me that I was normal. That this was normal for me to be scared and that if 5 weeks was WAY too long for me, then I should be seen anytime. Anytime. I think I knew this, but hearing it made me feel so much better. She said I could see her in the middle of appointments anytime I want.
She listened to all my questions and gave me lots of good answers.
I got really nervous when she got the doppler out, but literally-she set it on my belly and there it was. 156 :) She didn't even have to move the doppler, which was really great for me.
She also had me make two more appointments with my doctor-two weeks after each other-so that I already know that my appointments are set up closer together.
She was amazing. And while I still feel anxious, that crippling anxiety seems to be (at least temporarily) gone.
She also referred me to someone in behavioral psychology that has a speciality in pregnancy after loss. I have to call on Monday to see if insurance will cover at least part of it. I hope it will. I've been talking to a lady who is a family counselor, but I think I would benefit from someone with more of a specialty.
I loved hearing that little baby's heartbeat. It did so much for me. Believe it or not, it was the first time I got to hear it. I have had two super quick ultrasounds and got to see the little heart beating, but never got to hear it. It is such a beautiful sound.
It did bring me back to listening to the heartbeats with Aiden and Sophie. After my water broke, and I was in the hospital, they would listen to the heartbeats every shift change for those weeks. For some reason, I was never worried that I wouldn't hear the heartbeat at that point. I should have been. Sophie had no fluid. But I never worried, and I loved hearing it. It got to the point where I could use the doppler better than the nurses to find where they were. Aiden would hide and move and kick and squirm around.
Anyway, this appointment was really good for me. Next Friday is my anatomy ultrasound. We are going to find out the gender. I am nervous for it, but mostly nervous for my cervical measurement to see if everything is going ok in there.
Thanks to everyone who commented on my last post. I rely so heavily on this space and your comments and reassurance and honestly, I usually feel so much better once I pound it out and hear your voices telling me, "We're here, Christy! No matter what!" I hate so much to post about this because I know some of my friends are struggling to get pregnant, but you are all so amazing and you make me feel ok about it.
Loving you all!
xoxo