January: Find out we are having TWINS! My favorite memory: sitting at a sub shop with Brian after our ultrasound, listening to him run through ALL of the things we will have to buy for two babies-in HIGH SCHOOL! He totally skipped the first 15 years of their life and started worrying about prom and class rings and letter jackets.
February: Spent most of this month reading pregnancy books, looking at baby stuff online (especially during my prep time at school-oops!), freaking out about having two babies at once, and in general, just floating along on cloud 9, wondering how my life had gotten so lucky. Got my first maternity clothes and started cleaning out the extra bedroom, which would be a baby room!
March-Had our 20 week ultrasound to find out that we had two perfectly healthy babies, one boy and one girl! Started really picking out names. I had my first real gut feeling that something was really wrong when the DVD they give you of your ultrasound was broken and did not work-twice. I had real worries all along, but after that I started to feel funny. That very day of the ultrasound we drove and bought a Dodge Grand Caravan. After all, our little car can't hold two babies, us, and a very spolied dog! Bought two cribs, two gilders, and a changing table. Painted the nursery "dancing green" and picked a Twinkle Twinkle Little Star theme.
29th: went to bed feeling very uncomfortable. Rolled around like crazy. At 9:40 pm, my water broke. It is actually not at all like it is in the movies. It is a waterfall gushing down your legs. I will never, ever, forget that drive to the hospital.
April: Spend two weeks terrified to move. Pray that the babies will stay put. Pray that there will be no infection. The birth and death of my first two children. Instant depression. I laid in bed, surfing on the internet to find other stories like mine. I made myself shower every day. Barely left the house. Only spoke to my husband and mom for the most part.
May: Quite similar to April. Getting up for a shower each day gets harder. Refuse to go anywhere. Spend the days alone while B goes to work, crying and blogging, reading books about grief. avoiding phone calls.
June: Decide to go to France. Decide not to. Decide to put our house on the market. SO thankful that Brian is home with me now.
July: This month is a blur to me. I remember watching fireworks and bawling my head off. I think I was in sort of a numb state
August: Anxiety sets in about going back to work. Celebrate our 3rd wedding anniversary and try to run away from the babies' due date by going to Las Vegas. First meeting back was horrible.
September: Meet with high risk doctor. Go back to work. Survive.
October: First cycle trying for a new baby. Take a new drug and have a few ultrasounds. October 31st, one year after we conceived Aiden and Sophie, we find out we are pregnant again.
November: Find out it is for sure one baby. 1st anniversary of Rudy's death. Survive. Thanksgiving was horrible.
December: Anxiety for this pregnancy sets in. Feel like no one in real life remembers the twins besides me. Mostly because if people think of us or them they tell us afterward. Which is well-meaning, but a little after the fact. Struggle. Survive.
This is my life. It's so focused on this that I don't remember a single other thing that happened this year. I seriously don't. I know my friends had very important life events, which I have tried to be a part of, but for the most part, I am wrapped up in myself. B is gone tonight, out with friends. I haven't been alone in a very, very long time. He left and I was overtaken by a giant wave of grief. I sobbed and sobbed. Louis tried to lick the tears away as quickly as he could. He always attacks me when I cry :) I know I will never have answers. But I just cannot understand how this happened. How they are not here. How I do the rest of this. How I bring a real, live baby into this world.
Please, please God let me bring a real, live baby into this world.
A year in review: Survival. Desperation. Grief.
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