Today, we had to go to the mall.
I hate the mall. Especially on a Saturday. Everyone is out shopping, pushing their strollers-grandmas buying gifts for their grandbabies, mothers and daughters sharing lunch and buying new clothes, fathers and sons looking at video games or trying to buy a birthday present for mom.
It hits me hard. I have a great relationship with my mom. I live a few hours away from her now, but I have so many fond memories of Saturdays at the mall with her. People watching, bargain hunting, talking about our weeks. Sometimes seeing a movie or sharing a milkshake.
Walking past the stores that are dedicated to small children's clothes-there is a store that before I was pregnant I would complain about. How can people spend that much money on clothes that their babies are just going to throw up on?
Now, I would give anything to spend my money in there.
I think about what it would be like to spend the day at the mall pushing a double stroller. Buying little boy and little girl clothes. Perhaps my mom coming to visit to go with us.
How silly to just get so caught up in a day at the mall?
I don't even like the mall.
How silly it is to dream about something that will NEVER happen. Because they are gone. Sometimes I forget. Sometimes I forget that there is only one baby inside of me right now. It's like weirdo deja vu-I was pregnant at the same time of year, exactly one year ago. Sometimes I wonder if I could close my eyes and pretend like the last year never happened. Perhaps it was all a dream? At the doctor yesterday, the nurse came in, one who clearly doesn't read charts and said, "So are you having two boys or two girls?"
I said, "It's just one girl."
She laughed. "Oh. I've had three patients with twins in a row, I get them all mixed up."
I said, "I am here because my twins died."
I admit that I said that to be mean. Because I wanted for her to feel the burning that I was feeling. I am not proud of that.
Sometimes I feel like I am doing nothing right.
But still I dream. I dream when I'm at the mall. And I am trying so hard to be positive. I am so unbelievably thankful right now-I feel like I'm in a dreamworld. I wish I could fast forward time. I'm keeping hope. I'm letting myself dream. Even when it hurts.
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