Moments

We are having a blizzard. A full on, over a foot of snow, blowing, Interstate closed, hunker down and hope you don't need to go anywhere kind of blizzard.

I just went upstairs to put the baby to bed, and since it was so dark I hadn't drawn the shade in her room. I swaddled her and sat in the rocking chair and as she fell asleep, I looked outside at the winter wonderland swirling around out there (movie moment, yo). Tears fell slowly, but it was a different kind of tears than I've been shedding recently. They were tears of gratefulness-for Avery, for Sophie, for Aiden.

In just two short weeks back at work, my stress level is right back up to super high. Middle schoolers-seriously. I love them, but man, it almost seems like each year they care less or perhaps I just have less patience :) At any rate, when I get super stressed out, I clean. When I get depressed, I clean. I am the opposite of a hoarder. Going through a closet or a drawer and filling up bags of garbage or bags for charity gives me a rush. So, today, I asked Brian to hang out with Avery for a few hours so I could give the house a good cleaning. It didn't need to be cleaned-I had a party Friday night and had cleaned for that. But it seemed this morning like every cupboard or drawer I opened was giving me a mood! So I just attacked. I filled bag after bag-rummage sale, garbage, Goodwill.

By the time I made it upstairs I was running out of steam. I needed to soak my stupid feet (never in my life had an ingrown toenail, but one too-tight pair of Nikes and one week at work later, I've been to the podiatrist twice and had two mini toe surgery-like procedures :( ) and so I just decided to dust and clean the bathroom and then I'd soak and take a shower. Well, when I dust, I have to dust the memory box for the twins.

Most of the time I don't open it. I have to be in a really good place to look through or have a specific reason for going in. But today I decided to open it. I've been in a pretty bad place lately-I find myself crying a lot-almost everytime I'm alone. I just needed a release. So I sat down on the floor and I went through every last thing in the box. I've decided I need to do something for myself in memory of the babies, because it's been too long. I've always coveted the necklaces I've seen other bloggy mommies get, the kind where you can get a mini copy of the baby's footprints on. Have you seen them? I'm not sure exactly where to get one, but I kept their footprint cards out and will scan them in. I feel so bad because I also really want to get a drawing done of the only picture I have of them together, but it's kind of expensive and it always seems like other stuff comes first in the budget. My being off work was kind of bad money wise for us, and I couldn't seem to get my shopping (ahem, Target) under control. I also really, really want to have Fran at Small Bird Studio do a bloggy makeover for me. So, anyway, after Christmas I'm going to see what I can afford. I asked hubby to start a little savings account for me for memory stuff so I can have some things to look forward to. I like having a goal!

While going through the pictures, I let myself really, really look at them. I am so shocked by how much they and Avery look alike. It makes me feel so proud and so happy. They were just SO beautiful. Seriously. I know that it's hard sometimes to look past the skin color and bruises and all the rest, but once you can, they are just gorgeous.

Damn, I wish they were here. I really, really wish they were here.