Year in Review

Oh, 2010. I don't even know how I feel about you. Of course, I love you because you brought me my beautiful Rainbow and all of the hope and happiness that has come along with her. But you brought me further from my gorgeous twins, and a lot of interesting challenges along with that.

When I look at last years year in review, I'm thinking that it is going to look a LOT different. My life is a lot different. From an outsider's perspective, it looks pretty darn good. And it is. But it is still complicated, and twisty. Dark yet light.

Well, enough. Here we go.

January: I was in the second trimester of my pregnancy. I started seeing a psychologist again as the ptsd kicked into overdrive approaching the different milestones in my pregnancy.

February: Had our anatomy scan to find that we were having a healthy, beautiful baby girl. I was terrified beyond belief, yet not very relieved after the scan. I had a perfect scan with the twins, too.

March: Found out we sold our house!!!!! Passed the 21 wks 3 days milestone (when my water broke). Immediately started looking for a house to buy. Passed the year mark of when my water broke (march 29th)

April: Passed the 23wks3 days milestone (when the twins were born). Had a French teacher come to stay with us, along with 15 French students in our school district. Raised over $2,000 for the March of Dimes and walked 6 miles (me in a wheelchair since I was too nervous to walk!). Celebrated (mourned) Sophie and Aiden's first birthday in Heaven. Moved into our new house.

May: Finished up a challenging school year. Got situated in the house. Finally began buying things for the baby and working on a nursery.

June: Spent waiting in anticipation. Walked miles each day trying to start labor. Visited garage sales. Tried to stay calm.

July: Avery is born!

August: Learn to care for miss Avery.

September: Hubby is back to work.

October, November, December: Struggle to get through the holidays without Sophie and Aiden, but also enjoyed Avery's firsts. I went back to work in November and hubby took the month of December off. We visited friends and family.

I have such a hard time putting into words what this year has been like. In certain ways, I can't even remember parts of it. Other parts are crystal clear. So much of it was unlike anything I ever dreamed of. Motherhood (to a living child) is not lost on me-I am SO grateful. So often I find myself crying at the prospect of the most simple things. I still most times cannot even believe that Avery is here, safe, and that she's mine. I often have to pinch myself. I am so grateful.

And then sometimes I'm still so bitter and full of resentment. I wonder why my babies had to leave; why I had to be the one to experience this.

I've met so many friends through this blog. A few of whom I would consider my best friends (don't know if that's creepy or not, but it's true). A few who I feel such a bond with.

My life is full of so much good and still so much sadness. I don't anticipate this changing in the next year.

Or ever, really.

Be safe ringing in this New Year. Wishing you all a peaceful and happy 2011. :)

Tantrum

I am throwing a fit.
I want to lay down and scream.
Kick my feet. Cry. Yell.
My face is red from tears.

I feel like I'm back in this horrible place again. I feel like it's early days-the days when I had just said good-bye to the twins.

I am so mad.
I want to fight. I want to come at someone, and yell at them. Yell at them until they understand.

I thought I was over the comment B's grandma made.

But. You see-B has a cousin, D. D was born at 24 weeks in 1984. And he is alive, and well, and with some minor delays in learning and some social aspects, he is an all around healthy young man.

So I want to say to her-that my "bad seed" could very well be her friggin' grandson.

I want to call certain members of hubby's family and ream them out. I want to yell at them and make them understand. I want them to understand how much they hurt my husband, and in turn, me. I want to make them apologize and make them take back every hurtful thing. I want to change them into exactly who I want them to be.

I want to tell my piece of junk father that he is a piece of junk and I don't want to waste my time having a superficial relationship with him.

I want to RIP up the Christmas letter I got from my friend who is pregnant with the twins. I want the pictures of baby A and baby B to be MY baby A and B. I want to go in reverse, and I'm still pregnant with the twins and they are just fine.

I am yelling. I am screaming. I am crying.

Because none of this can be done. And I am selfish. And I should just be happy with what I have.

I want. I want. I want.

I scream. I throw a fit. I tantrum.

I want people to understand how bad this hurts. That it's not something you "get over."

I want to MAKE THEM UNDERSTAND.

I am just seriously having a rough time. This Christmas feels so much worse than last. That may be because I pretty much don't remember anything about last Christmas. I just feel like it's more real.

I am so MAD at this world. I'm mad because our babies died. I'm mad because people get treated like crap.

Ugh. I'm sorry this post is so angry. I just needed to get it out. My grief cycles are coming back to anger more and more and I'm running out of techniques to deal with it. I'm feeling a little helpless and trying to stay strong for Avery so she doesn't have a psycho mother. I'm honestly usually very ok, but sometimes I just need a good, long vent.

Thanks for reading if you made it through--and I hope your holidays are peaceful and not quite as angry-making as mine!!

Christmas 2010

I am so blessed. Despite being told at Christmas dinner that I needed to "get over it" because a miscarriage is just a "bad seed," I recovered and reminded myself how lucky I am (hence the post that might have shown up in your reader and then disappeared) and tried not to let it ruin my time.

I hope your holiday was peaceful. You were all on my mind. We are at my mom's relaxing-A is taking a nice, long nap and we are relaxing in front of a fire. xoxo

Permanent Damage

Seriously, I feel insane right now.
You won't believe what I did this morning.
Well, you might. I'm not sure if this is just crazy Christy, or a baby loss thing, or an IF thing.
Anyway, this morning, I took a pregnancy test.

Scraaaaaaaattttttcccccccchhhhhhh.

You all screech to a halt, right? What in the world?

Are we trying to get pregnant? Not at ALL. In fact, with sleep deprivation and going back to work, let's say it's been a while, since *ahem* AND we are on birth control. OH, AND-don't forget-I have to take a pill to ovulate.

Oh, and since I've been taking birth control, I've been having regular periods.

But then, I think I feel flutters in my tummy.

What if I missed it? What if those are kicks? What if I'm like one of those girls on "I didn't know I was pregnant"? What if the bleeding hasn't been periods and I'm just bleeding and I'm like 16 weeks pregnant and I've been drinking SO much caffeine and taking antibiotics and not taking any folic acid. I did have some breakthrough bleeding a few months ago.

But, duh, I'm not feeling flutters. It's gas.

But what if it's flutters? What if I missed something? What if it's a miracle, and I'm one of those people that got pregnant on birth control and didn't know it?

But seriously-I'm not pregnant.

So I go to bed. And I'm awake off and on all night and I think I feel weird things and am I gaining weight? and I dream that I'm pregnant and it's actually twins and with bedrest this time they'll make it. I'll have my twins.

I'll join mothers of multiples. I'll go to the big consignment sale because I'll need extra stuff.

So this morning I wake up, and I dig around in the cabinet, because I know there's got to be a leftover pregnant test in there somewhere.

But, seriously-there is NO WAY you are pregnant. You are crazy.

But if I just take the test, then I'll know for sure and know that I'm not doing anything that would hurt the "babies."

So, I do.

And I swear-my heart POUNDS as I watch the little timer flip on the digital test. And then, minutes later, it pops up NOT PREGNANT (DUH). Then I have to hide it. Put it in the package. Wrap it in toilet paper. Put it in the bathroom garbage. Take bathroom garbage downstairs and put in big garbage. Take that whole bag out.

This is ridiculous.

I am RIDICULOUS.

It's something permanent inside me, I think. Expecting the disappointment. Always wondering if maybe a little miracle will happen and I won't have to try. Perhaps even expecting immaculate conception, I mean, really? REALLY? Shouldn't I just be happy with Avery right now? Shouldn't I just be glad I don't have to worry about ttc right now? Shouldn't I be focusing on her?

I feel so sad. And crazy. And I look at Avery and there is a little shadow around her, next to her.

I look and want to see her brother.

Only she's not Sophie, she's Avery.

Man. Oh, man. This is what I call permanent damage.

I care.

I started A's bedtime routine like normal tonight. I took her upstairs and put on her nighttime diaper, her lotion, and her pjs. Washed her face and hands and set her on the floor to practice her sitting (she's getting so good!) while I picked out a book for us to read. I spent all of last spring visiting rummage sales so she'd have a good library! So I see one called "Bedtime for Little Bears." I just grabbed it from reading the title on the spine. When I looked at the cover, I shivered a little because I knew right away that it was a book that was given to us for the twins. I remember exactly when I got it. A co-worker/friend came over because she wanted to give us a present and to see the nursery. We went up and I was SO proud and excited-I showed her the clothes I had picked out. We had the furniture set up (this was Weds and my water broke on Sunday) and so we each sat in a glider staring at the beautiful (and just painted) nursery:

At any rate, the book took me back. But I was ok. I held it in. Then I opened the book. She had written in it.

"*2009* You were always wanted and always loved."

Seriously. That is what it said.

So I opened it and started reading. As I flipped the pages, a card fell out. Apparently I had just placed it inside the book after reading it. It was a baby card and where it said "Ten fingers" and "Ten toes" she had crossed it out and made it "Twenty fingers" and "Twenty toes."

I couldn't help it. I couldn't stop myself. Brian wasn't home to help. And I just sat there, with A on my lap giggling as the puppy walked by, sobbing uncontrollably.

These moments, they get you from nowhere. This horrible longing for what you didn't have, what you never really had at all, it seems, and what is NEVER going to come back.

There are triplets at my middle school. I didn't know. Today was their birthday. I thought of my sweet friends, Nan, and Kerry, and Rachel, and wishing it was THEIR triplets at my school.

I clicked onto Yahoo and there was the headline-Mariah Carey is preggo with twins!

My friend who is pregnant with boy/girl twins wrote to have dinner. I can't do it.

A good friend who lost twins-her sister since then has had TWO sets of twins (seriously)-and she has to meet them for the first time on Monday.

Another bloggy friend who lost twins just found out her close friend is having twins.

Friends are without jobs, without their parents, without their siblings.

It's the holidays. I think of my bloggy friends who have yet to have their rainbows, or ones who tragically and horribly are without their rainbows as well.

I'm thinking of you. I'm sending ALL my love to you. I'm pouring my positive thoughts into the universe to send them to you.

Please know that I care.

Moments

We are having a blizzard. A full on, over a foot of snow, blowing, Interstate closed, hunker down and hope you don't need to go anywhere kind of blizzard.

I just went upstairs to put the baby to bed, and since it was so dark I hadn't drawn the shade in her room. I swaddled her and sat in the rocking chair and as she fell asleep, I looked outside at the winter wonderland swirling around out there (movie moment, yo). Tears fell slowly, but it was a different kind of tears than I've been shedding recently. They were tears of gratefulness-for Avery, for Sophie, for Aiden.

In just two short weeks back at work, my stress level is right back up to super high. Middle schoolers-seriously. I love them, but man, it almost seems like each year they care less or perhaps I just have less patience :) At any rate, when I get super stressed out, I clean. When I get depressed, I clean. I am the opposite of a hoarder. Going through a closet or a drawer and filling up bags of garbage or bags for charity gives me a rush. So, today, I asked Brian to hang out with Avery for a few hours so I could give the house a good cleaning. It didn't need to be cleaned-I had a party Friday night and had cleaned for that. But it seemed this morning like every cupboard or drawer I opened was giving me a mood! So I just attacked. I filled bag after bag-rummage sale, garbage, Goodwill.

By the time I made it upstairs I was running out of steam. I needed to soak my stupid feet (never in my life had an ingrown toenail, but one too-tight pair of Nikes and one week at work later, I've been to the podiatrist twice and had two mini toe surgery-like procedures :( ) and so I just decided to dust and clean the bathroom and then I'd soak and take a shower. Well, when I dust, I have to dust the memory box for the twins.

Most of the time I don't open it. I have to be in a really good place to look through or have a specific reason for going in. But today I decided to open it. I've been in a pretty bad place lately-I find myself crying a lot-almost everytime I'm alone. I just needed a release. So I sat down on the floor and I went through every last thing in the box. I've decided I need to do something for myself in memory of the babies, because it's been too long. I've always coveted the necklaces I've seen other bloggy mommies get, the kind where you can get a mini copy of the baby's footprints on. Have you seen them? I'm not sure exactly where to get one, but I kept their footprint cards out and will scan them in. I feel so bad because I also really want to get a drawing done of the only picture I have of them together, but it's kind of expensive and it always seems like other stuff comes first in the budget. My being off work was kind of bad money wise for us, and I couldn't seem to get my shopping (ahem, Target) under control. I also really, really want to have Fran at Small Bird Studio do a bloggy makeover for me. So, anyway, after Christmas I'm going to see what I can afford. I asked hubby to start a little savings account for me for memory stuff so I can have some things to look forward to. I like having a goal!

While going through the pictures, I let myself really, really look at them. I am so shocked by how much they and Avery look alike. It makes me feel so proud and so happy. They were just SO beautiful. Seriously. I know that it's hard sometimes to look past the skin color and bruises and all the rest, but once you can, they are just gorgeous.

Damn, I wish they were here. I really, really wish they were here.

Do you Shutterfly?

So, we finally took our family Christmas photo. It took forEVER. Picture this:
Brian, me, a squirmy Avery, our dog, Louis, who doesn't listen ever, two teddy bears honoring the twins, and a camera with a timer that we have never used before.

I wish I could show you all the random ones along the way to the picture we finally chose!

So after we got the picture done I decided I was going to use Shutterfly to make the cards. I just ordered a super cool photo book from them, too-I love Shutterfly. It's so cheap, and easy, and I love how they deliver right to your house instead of visiting the store with the nasty germ covered photo machines and having to go out in the cold, snowy weather to pick them up!

The other reason I love them is because they just have more choices. My sister married into a family that is Jewish, so I like to send cards with "Happy Holidays" or ones that even say Merry Christmas, Happy Hannukah, Kwanzaa, etc. So I get more options with shutterfly as well.

I went in and designed my card. Here is a picture I did not use, but it's close to the original (I had the wrong one in here before! hehe):

And I think I'll include A's first visit with Santa:


Shutterfly has all sorts of cool stuff. You should check 'em out. Just sayin.

Here are some links for easy navigating:

· desk calendars: http://www.shutterfly.com/calendars/desk-calendars

· photo cards: http://www.shutterfly.com/cards-stationery

· Christmas gifts: http://www.shutterfly.com/photo-gifts

· Birthday cards:http://www.shutterfly.com/cards-stationery/birthday-cards-stationery

Happy creating!

Tears

This week I went back to work. I teach in a middle school. It's a pretty stressful, hectic job. I had been gone for 6 months, since I had the summer off and then 12 weeks of maternity leave with A.
I dreaded the day for so long.

And, seriously, that place has memories. There is a bathroom I can't use-it's where I lost my mucous plug. I have so many painful memories there-and even the happy ones seem to cause me pain. I think of sitting in the teachers lounge having everyone tease me and ask me questions about having TWINS!

The ladies I was pregnant with (there are NINE!) are now starting to get pregnant again. Ya know, to have their babies exactly two years apart (not that there's anything wrong with that, I'm just so jealous!). The office secretary chose my first day back to tell me her son in pregnant with twins.

But it's more than that. It's the holidays. It's just missing them. It's NOT KNOWING THEM. It's the fact that I want to throw a screaming fit where I lay down and stomp my feet and scream and cry and throw things. It's the fact that I have a stocking with their names on it. And they have triple the ornaments on the tree that Avery does. And we took our holiday picture today with two teddy bears instead of two fricking 20 month olds. It's the fact that they are NOT HERE and everyone thinks I'm ok because I have Avery.

And then there are the tears of happiness. Of gratitude. The moments where I'm pinching myself, trying to figure out if this is actually real-that my beautiful daughter is with me and we are going to celebrate her first Christmas.

I had a meltdown at Thanksgiving. Hubby's uncle sits down to dinner, and-no lie-his opener for conversation goes like this:

"So, M (his daughter) loves to baby-sit. She baby-sits all the time. She baby-sits for some twin babies now. There are so many twins being born nowadays, can you believe that? She loves those twins. They are so cute."

Brian: "Not a good subject, M."

Like in the movies, all 14 mouths stop moving, forks clink to the plates. I cry and excuse myself.

What the HECK? Seriously? That's what you're going to try to talk to me about? Although, it was his wife who, while I laid on bedrest before the twins were born, said to me, "Don't worry about it. There will be other pregnancies."

I know this is coming off as bitter, but I think I've been holding it in for a little too long. I am MAD. I am so ANGRY they are not here. That I have this spot in my heart that is so, so empty.

And I am not alright.

And Avery makes my world SUCH a better place-but she can't bring them back.

And that is all. They are not coming back. Never, ever. And sometimes I just.can't.handle.that.